Finally Sharing...

I'll try to tell my story in a way that makes sense, although I have a feeling it may be somewhat meandering...

I'm turning 40 this year, and have been struggling with ED for at least the past 5 years. I believe my issues are 80% psychological, and 20% physical. I've been prescribed Viagra, with some success when I do use it.

Before this current relationship with my (now) wife, I was single for several years and made do during those years with several different FWBs, who I would have sex with while nearly always drunk, or at least drinking. So I have to believe I developed some bad habits around sleeping with different people all the time, and sex being divorced from emotions/love. No one stayed the night, and the sex was always a standalone even (i.e. we didn't go out for drinks or dinner or something first. At the most, we might hang out at my place and drink together). Also, these encounters were always on my terms... i.e if i felt like sex I messaged someone, and if I didn't then I didn't (or declined if messaged). I masturbated a few times a week outside of the casual hookups. ED wasn't ever really an issue for me during these years, as sex was infrequent and with someone different, which I think helped, or if I did experience ED I just blamed it on the booze, and I didn't have to really ever address it with that person again if I didn't want to... I would just not message them for sex again.

I've been with my partner now for 5 years, and ED started being more of an issue a few months into the relationship. At first I blamed it on the usual things... wine, being tired, etc, but it eventually became impossible to ignore. When it would happen during sex I would get SO upset and angry at myself it would pull me completely out of the moment, and bring everything to a crashing halt. I'm very lucky to have a supportive partner who helped convince me to speak to a therapist about it, and I did. That was helpful in addressing the negative self-talk, and in time when ED happened I was able to 'ignore' it, for lack of a better term. I was able to have what i told myself was fulfilling sex doing other things. During this time my partner also helped me talk to my family dr about viagra, and he provided a prescription for 25mg tablets.

Fast forward a few years, and things have come to a bit of a head (pardon the pun). My partner has told me that she's unhappy with our sex life, and that every time we have sex she feels like we're flipping a coin to figure out if my penis will work. And then sex is always just about trying to navigate this issue without a plan, and it takes up way more space than it should. And when we do have sex and it does work, it's always very tenuous... if something goes wrong, or doesn't feel right, then boom, it's gone. Although I have pills, I've been hesitant to use them because in the back of my mind is always that fear that 'what if Viagra doesn't work?'... i tend to always look to the negative side of things.

My partner has some pretty significant sexual trauma in her past, including a boyfriend who blamed her for his inability to get an erection, and told her that she would never find someone who wanted her or liked her body. She has done a lot of work on her own trauma, but of course every time I think about having sex with her and not maintaining an erection, I'm terrified that she will feel all those negative things again. it is honestly terrifying. So I've found myself doing things like never initiating sex, or not letting myself enjoy other types of intimacy because they may lead to sex, and then what if we're having and I can't maintain an erection, and she then thinks that I'm not sexually attracted to her or don't want to have sex with her. Paradoxically, of course, my avoiding these kind of things has her feeling exactly the same way.

I've thought for a while that maybe I just have a low sex drive, but when I actually sit down and examine things, I think that most of my aversion to having sex stems from this whole ED thing... I don't want to have sex that makes my partner feel like I'm not turned on by her. I'm joining this group and writing out my story because I want to take ownership of this, and stop being a victim of it. I have an appointment with my Dr. to refill my Viagra prescription, ongoing couples therapy with my wife, and an upcoming appointment with a new therapist, a sexologist, to try to get underneath some of this stuff. The psychological stuff is really hard and scary, but i don't want to lose my wife because I was too scared to look after my own health.

Hello and welcome to the forums!

I think it's really easy to get into a death-spiral with mentally based erectile issues. As for myself (ignore the avatar I'm biologically male) I think when to comes to being with someone, I might have some nerve issues that make intercourse less stimulating than it ought to be- but as far as getting an erection, I have noticed quite a lot of performance anxiety- manual stimulation in private, with no pressure whatsoever to perform, seems to be no problem- nor does having sleep erections. Now, for a while, my state of mind was such that even masturbation was a problem, but once my brain had worked out that okay if I wake up to them, things must be working- then that became much less a problem. Still, the idea of having to 'perform' for another person is a problem.

I think seeing someone for it would be a good idea, since your partner is now expressing frustration. It's so hard to get past this kind of thing by oneself- I have managed to occasionally get past the self-fulfilling anxiety- but it's really hard, and a hit or miss thing, isn't it? It's hard to relax and not think about not getting an erection, when you feel the pressure to get one, isn't it?