Accepted there's an issue. Now desperately reaching out for advice

Hi there. So first time user and yes I have an ED issue which I can't explain or get over.

I'm a 24 year old male. No history of sexual abuse. Lost my virginity at 17 and had good steady sex with her for 2plus years and a couple of times after we broke up. We broke up 5 years ago now and since then there's been many girls I've been intimate with from kissing, to hands and oral (both ways) and a couple of unsuccessful attempts at sex (which I pit down to not really being over the ex) but no successful sex since.

I'm now in my first proper relationship since then and she's great but I'm lacking in the bedroom. We'll start off and I'll be hard but it literally seems as soon as we fall on the bed it's gone and not wanting to come back. Been with this girl for months now and still haven't been able to have sex and it's making her feel like she's not attractive enough or doing something wrong which she isn't she's gorgeous, says all the right things, does the right things but when it comes to sex i lose it almost immediately.
I can get hard alone when masturbating and when she wanks me or does oral I'm hard but just seem to cower when it comes to what we both REALLY want.

Tonight was the last straw when again we got hot and heavy in the kitchen but as soon as we got to her room and led on the bed it was going. I can sometimes get it back but never hard enough for full penetration.

I exercise, in pretty good shape, i guess my diets not the best but def not terrible. As far as a i know I'm healthy but as reluctant as I may be to accept I have a physiological issue I genuinely think its psychological but getting over it isn't happening. Feeling humiliated and less of a man.

Please help with some advice that doesn't just say go to the doctor or take pills. More than willing to see a doc if some sound, experienced or relatable advice fails but first someone please offer something to try.

This might be an over literal answer. But have you tried doing it on the lounge floor? Or against the kitchen counter? It might be that being in the bedroom has such scary associations. That it's being an instant boner killer.

Another thought is around masturbating. Have you tried cutting it out for a few weeks to see if that helps? Some people use a "death grip" which the cock can get used to. And then regular sex just isn't as stimulating. In that case either cutting back on wanking. Or making sure you use lube, different holds and strokes. Can over time re sensitise things.

One final approach would be to take penis in vagina sex off the agenda completely. Restrict yourselves to oral and mutual masturbating only. That can be enough to reset the pressure you're currently feeling. Because you aren't any less of a man for this. Being a man is about who you are. And not about where you can stick one part of your body. I know that's kinda stating the obvious. But it's easy to get caught up in "all or nothing" thinking about this. Which isn't fair on your boner.

Wow wasn't expecting a genuine helpful reply. Thankyou. You've definitely made me think about a few things. Unfortunately the lounge/kitchen isn't really possible as I live in a house share of 5 people...my girlfriend being one of them....I guess maybe if everyone was out
You know I've never actually considered giving up masturbating so that could be an option to see if that's the key. A few weeks seems forever to me so maybe I am wanking too much and having nothing left for the bedroom. I really hope that's it so I'll def leave myself alone for a while.

I wouldn't say I have an overly tight grip but ever since I started masturbating using lube/lotion hasn't featured an awful lot so maybe when I do I should be using lube all the time as the rule rather than the exception? I also didn't realise different holds or strokes could actually have an effect on getting hard, guess I've just kinda stuck to what works for me.

The issue with restricting ourselves to hands and oral is that that's what we've been restricting ourselves to for months because of my problem and her patience is all but gone...without sounding to crude or egotistical she's actually 'gagging for it' which, of course, is more pressure. And that's not her fault she has been very patient and I really want to make the wait worth while because she deserves it especially as it's made her feel that she's not good which is another self added pressure. Sidebar is that I actually caught her smoking last night when she thought everyone was asleep (she used to smoke but not now) and I'm pretty sure it's to take the edge off the sexual frustration. Even more annoying.

Anyway your final few sentences really have done a lot for my confidence so I'm genuinely thankful, it's easy to let it define you and I know there are bigger problems in the world but i just want to have sex with my girlfriend, simple as that, and when there's this undefinable barrier causing problems it's so frustrating.

Id welcome any further comments you might have on what's been said.

Defiant wrote:Unfortunately the lounge/kitchen isn't really possible as I live in a house share of 5 people...my girlfriend being one of them....I guess maybe if everyone was out

Ah that does restrict things. Best not to add exhibitionism to see if that spices things up. [Though now that I mention it. If it's not seriously illegal to do it outside where you live. Or plain freezing cold. A very discreet picnic somewhere might lead to more fun.]

I wouldn't say I have an overly tight grip but ever since I started masturbating using lube/lotion hasn't featured an awful lot so maybe when I do I should be using lube all the time as the rule rather than the exception? I also didn't realise different holds or strokes could actually have an effect on getting hard, guess I've just kinda stuck to what works for me.

I don't have a cock of my own. So this is "received wisdom." But it can cause issues for other guys. I think it's about changing from time to time. Rather than always using lube or anything like that.

And that's not her fault she has been very patient and I really want to make the wait worth while because she deserves it especially as it's made her feel that she's not good which is another self added pressure.

I'd recommend taking that pressure off if you can. Maybe joke around it a little? "I'm going to be so ready for this when it happens that it's going to take 0.2 seconds!" It probably won't be that bad. But you're right that that thinking isn't going to help. Even though it's really understandable. And it might take a couple of sessions to rev things back up again. Since it can be really hard to focus on the moment. And not give half your attention to hardness analysis throughout.

I don't know if anyone else will be by with other thoughts. [Lurkers, decloak!] But if this isn't sorting itself out in a few more weeks. I would recommend the doctor. It could just be something simple like a dip in testosterone levels. I'd strongly avoid viagra or cialis. They're just patching over the problem. But it's better fixed long term. Even if that takes a while.

Do you watch a lot of porn? Because chances are if you do, you have desensitized yourself to real women, and sex in general. Studies have shown that porn actually rewires the brain slowly over time. Check out porn induced ED in a search engine, and then breathe a sigh of relief because it isn't permanent and is easily addressed.

I would recommend cutting out the porn and masturbation for a week, and then setting up a really romantic evening with wine, music (jazz fusion maybe, try Return To Forever's "Romantic Warrior" album), and some good foreplay.

If it still doesn't work, don't get discouraged. Just cut out the porn and wanking for a bit of time and stick exclusively to sex with her, and I am guessing your issue will clear up.

Hi sorry, i replied the other night but obviously didn't post.

Yeah i actually do watch porn the majority of times I masturbate so I'm thinking that coupled with wanking too much especially when I've got a gf I may have a habit I've not even realised is being detrimental to me.
I hadnt heard of porn induced ED but I'd say after researching it and over the past 5 years its very possible this is a contributing factor.
The message to me so far seems to be leave myself alone full stop and pretty much ditch porn which I'm willing to do. Kind of worried of 'dead dick' happening though which seems to be a common thing researching porn induced ED when one stops masturbating and then whilst you're 'resetting' you're pretty much lifeless down there...

thankyou for the advice. Unfortunately however last night we had our first argument and it clearly stems from her lack of feeling attractive and self worth due to this issue which was horrible and again made me feel powerless. We made up but without realising it or meaning to she's added a ###$ load more pressure to this where now it feels like the next time we're intimate HAS to be the time which I know straight away with that pressure i'll bottle it.

I'm going to sit down with her tonight and explain all i've learned from wanking too much to perhaps being desensitised and the pressure I'm feeling; things we can do etc and try and get across she's not the problem- but truth be told such a fear has built up now as this has prolonged which again is worrying!

Defiant wrote:Hi sorry, i replied the other night but obviously didn't post.

Yeah i actually do watch porn the majority of times I masturbate so I'm thinking that coupled with wanking too much especially when I've got a gf I may have a habit I've not even realised is being detrimental to me.
I hadnt heard of porn induced ED but I'd say after researching it and over the past 5 years its very possible this is a contributing factor.
The message to me so far seems to be leave myself alone full stop and pretty much ditch porn which I'm willing to do. Kind of worried of 'dead dick' happening though which seems to be a common thing researching porn induced ED when one stops masturbating and then whilst you're 'resetting' you're pretty much lifeless down there...

thankyou for the advice. Unfortunately however last night we had our first argument and it clearly stems from her lack of feeling attractive and self worth due to this issue which was horrible and again made me feel powerless. We made up but without realising it or meaning to she's added a ###$ load more pressure to this where now it feels like the next time we're intimate HAS to be the time which I know straight away with that pressure i'll bottle it.

I'm going to sit down with her tonight and explain all i've learned from wanking too much to perhaps being desensitised and the pressure I'm feeling; things we can do etc and try and get across she's not the problem- but truth be told such a fear has built up now as this has prolonged which again is worrying!

Yeah, all the added pressure will just make it harder to perform. Try to make her understand what it is. I had this issue with a past partner, where I could not perform because of intense porn use. She didn't understand, and refuse to accept it, instead choosing to believe herself to be unattractive etc.

You can't control what other people think, but I would definitely recommend quitting porn for a while until you can perform again.

I don't know if you already do them. But perhaps this might be a good time to do some of the cutsey things. You know, like surprising her with flowers. Or text messages at unexpected times. That say you're thinking about her. And care about her. Even when you're not together. If this is fairly new it helps give her more confidence to work with you on this. And not to freak out about what this issue "says" about her or the relationship. Which has little or nothing to do with it.

Edited to add- but don't overdo it! You don't want to make her suspicious or paranoid either.

I do now and again go out of my way to do some thing cutesy and she's likes them but I think we all know what would really make her happy! However on the subject I am conscious of doing too much lovey Dovey stuff as in my experience it can drive the modern girl away. "Everything in moderation. Including moderation."

Anyway, I stay in hotels for work quite often and yesterday she suggested coming with me and the thought of us alone in a hotel room really turned me on. Almost as if being away from it all and this house where all the failures have happened is less pressure (funny fact that I lost my virginity in a hotel and now since I feel I've regained it maybe that's why the idea appeals! Ha!)
Unfortunately she can't make it this week but now I'm thinking maybe just book a hotel room for a night somewhere nearby this weekend to finally try and get up and running if she's up for it.........thoughts?

I'm feeling a little more confident in myself as I havnt wanked for a week and I'm definitely starting to tell. Getting spontaneous erections and turning myself on far more easily with my own thoughts and when I was in bed thinking about the prospect of her joining me In a hotel it took much longer for it to go away (maybe because I couldn't stop thinking about it-exciting rather than scary which was nice)

I am a little concerned that since I haven't yet discussed with her my research and the areas of enlightenment you guys have given me that she'll call it quits before I get the chance to finally sleep with her. Irrational maybe but her mood is so unpredictable since this issue started affecting her self esteem unfortunately it feels warranted

Privacy, positive associations, girlfriend willing. Do it / her! A roomy en suite shower would be a nice bonus.

That's brilliant about not wanking for a week. It does seem like your system is starting to catch up again. Please try not to worry about not having talked things through with her. Sometimes the law of sod does kick in. But given that this was her suggestion yesterday. That proves she's still thinking of ways through this with you. A great sign.