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psychological,verbal & emotional abuse of seniors

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psychological,verbal & emotional abuse of seniors

Postby Ebonileigh » Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:54 am

This is more about psychological, verbal and emotional abuse than financial, although there has been that component also. I've recently, 3 weeks ago, had to go 'no contact' with my 40year old son, and of course that means my 3 grandchildren and daughter in law. I got the police involved as he was threatening me, it was not a direct threat on my life but threats non the less, and I rang the police because I wanted it to go on record, that, if something happened to me that they would know who to look for, well, they took it further, issued my son with a temporary restraining order and told me to cease all contact with him and stick to it, and change my phone number, which I did. I've been doing a lot of research, reading, journaling, am on a waiting list for 'cheap' therapy, as I simply cannot afford to pay the exorbitant fees that most therapists charge. I am 67 years old, female, on the pension and work a 3 days a week to supplement it, just to survive, I no longer own my own home and now pay rent. The reason why I'm am writing this post, is because financial abuse of the old and elderly is on the increase as the cost of living continues to rise and offspring want to get their hands on their inheritance prior to the death/s of their parents. This is not the case with me, I have no money left, I cannot imagine what sort of abuse I would be subjected to by my son if I indeed had any money. He bled me dry as it was, and recently, when I had to get the police involved, because his life has spiralled out of control and he was screaming at me to help him, guilt tripping me, scapegoating me, blaming me, manipulating me on and on, (these things are nothing new), I just couldn't understand what he expected me to do, rob a bank. You see, he lives life on the edge, he and his wife & 3 kids, in the last 6 years it's just escalated, the environment is so incredibly toxic, his wife has ADHD, she's been difficult from the start, the kids have ADD & ASD, my son is addicted to weed, (for 20 years), he's tried his absolute best to take care of, and provide for his extremely difficult family, he's cannot sustain a job, is unemployed more than employed, his wife works part time, anyway, really shouldn't go into all the details, suffice to say, it's a terrible environment, he's a completely different person to the son I raised, he never forgave me for his upbringing, his alcoholic father (whom we left 16 years ago) and our involvement in a fundamental religious cult for 12 years (which we left 18 years ago), I have made it up to him over these past 16 years in all ways possible, hence I have no money, and I spent immense amount of time helping them cope with day to day life, (yes, I was an enabler and a co-dependent), he wanted to keep me in a constant state of 'repentance' doing 'penance' (for want of better terms), forever, I owed him big time, this was his weapon and his power. My daughter, on the other hand, was raised in the exact same environment, she's the complete and utter opposite, forgiving, kind, loving, generous, intelligent (although my son is also intelligent and talented), talented, and above all, stable, down to earth, balanced, motivated, organised, etc.
Anyway, what I'm concerned about at present is, since going no contact, that my son will start the smear campaign and rewriting of history, and try to destroy my relationship with my daughter. He's insanely jealous, he's very clever, very manipulative, a compulsive liar, I'm worried, but at the same time I just don't think my daughter would take his word at face value, she's far smarter than that, but, she could just think to herself, well, I just don't want any of this stuff, so, I'll not even bother with my mum, I don't know what to think right now, she's about to go on maternity leave as she's having her first baby in 7 weeks. We, my daughter and I have good relationship, very good, we have boundaries, mainly because she's a very busy young lawyer.
I'm truly sorry this post is so long, I would appreciate some feedback, your thoughts would be greatly appreciated, and if you have got this far in my post, thankyou for reading. :(
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Re: psychological,verbal & emotional abuse of seniors

Postby Terry E. » Tue Jul 11, 2017 11:17 am

Have faith in your daughter. You have done the right thing now. Just wait it out and try to find some peace in yourself.
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Re: psychological,verbal & emotional abuse of seniors

Postby Ebonileigh » Fri Jul 14, 2017 4:21 pm

Thankyou Terry E. very kind of you to reply, yes, I know that I must find peace within myself, I really do know that, but, it's hard, I'm also wrestling with feelings of guilt, still, like I've abandoned him and his family, worried about what will become of them, want to know but don't want to know, for there is absolutely nothing I can do for them, I have absolutely nothing left to give, no money, no energy, could not possibly face the toxicity ever again, and I also feel empty, it honestly feels like a death, I'm grieving over loss, I've lost him, no, that sounds too dramatic, he was such a beautiful young boy-adolescent-young man, and then it all changed and got worse, and worse etc..
anyway Terry, thankyou, I truly must find peace within myself.
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Re: psychological,verbal & emotional abuse of seniors

Postby realityhere » Sat Sep 30, 2017 7:43 pm

You're not alone. Recently a relative of mine who is a single woman and close to retirement had had enough of the psychological abuse from her son from a previous marriage. The 40-yr old son had gone thru a divorce several years ago, bounced from one job to another and has been unemployed more than employed, is a careless spender and ended up mooching on his mother's money and living space more times than she cared to remember. All the while blaming her for not giving him the advantages other kids had while she was married to an abusive husband (and father). Her ex is long dead, yet the son blames her for all the problems he has in his life.

She threw out his belongings in the garage and locked him out of her house one day. He had to pack and store his things in his car and took off. After she came back from work that day, she changed the signal on her garage door opener so he couldn't get back in. She hasn't heard or seen him in over 6 months and cut him out of her will. It's hard for her, as she has only one other child left.

You're not responsible for your son's adult choices, smoking weed for 20 years, his up-down career/job choices, his marriage and his kids. He's laid on the guilt trip for far too long and may perhaps be jealous of a more successful sister, with whom you have a good relationship and who is starting her own family.

Your son may be projecting his adult failures onto you in order to make you feel obligated to help smooth out the rough path he himself chose in his adult life. The temporary restraining order is a pretty strong boundary and message that he doesn't have any physical or psychological power to compel your enablement. It's on record and he knows it. A repeat will likely get him jailtime.

For a mother's heart, it must hurt but there are limits to what a mother should do for a grown child.
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