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Narcissistic Family

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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Narcissistic Family

Postby Lizzie288 » Sun Jul 08, 2018 12:40 pm

I read that women in domestic violence usually have their self esteem totally stripped away and that this is why it is so hard for them to find a job and create a new like. That it takes a great amount of courage for them to break away.

What I heard this, I felt that I could relate so well to this scenario. My problems are not with a partner but with a family of origin that is narcissistic - and who have combined forces, as it were with other narcissistic bullies that I have encountered in the world. This started off as a male against female thing -and has seen the struggle for me continue on in that I still have unhealed parts of my psyche -and encountering narcissistic bullies is all the more hard for me now as I have been through too much.

I am trying to summon more confidence and strength - working on my inner beliefs about what I deserve and in actual fact beliefs about my self worth being beyond question, and therefore abuse from others being inexcusable ....especially when I have done nothing whatsoever to injure them.

It is very telling that those who go on to abuse me, remind me in an uncanny way of my family members.

What I find is that, apart from my own intrinsic battles with managing sensitivity and improving certain forms of empathy and perception -which, however, I DO NOT (or more importantly NO LONGER) carry a sense of shame about these being WRONG or bad (which my family and other abusers FORCED onto me). ...that it has been that I have been surrounded by A-HOLES.

And that my family had a major effect on me -in their aggressive projecting of THEIR flaws onto me, and in this way scapegoating me. That my deep seated need to feel loved and accepted by them, I think made it quite tough for me to quit falling into this role that they had set out for me.

I am slowly coming round. But it is long and pain staking. It is all taking a long time to process.

I feel sometimes a sense of waste. Of sadness.

I have been unemployed or severely underemployed my entire life. I am now 40 years old. Have been dependent upon my parents for financial support, even living with them for several years.
And when I try to enter into the world, it is that I encounter these one in six individuals who is a bully or outright evil towards me. ...It is hard not to feel decimated by these repeat awful experiences -which are designed to knock me out. EVIL actions -since it is these peoples' attempts to cause me to carry what is a shared burden. ...By this, I mean that I believe that I do have some traits of asperger's or otherwise high sensitivity -a high sensitivity in some ways, but difficulty seeing the bigger picture -which only at unusual times of stress has come across as a negative, egocentricity, which I am otherwise luckily not privy to. Thank god. I believe that there are different forms of empathy, and that we are much more complicated than most of us are able to process.

What I believe occurs is that these narcissistic people have inherent irregular empathy levels -high in one or some, but low in others, not unlike a person like my self. However, I believe that they are narcissistic because of some other traits that I don't have, and/or because they learned that they were supported in their black and white controlling behaviours.

I also believe that the majority of people are not strong enough to deal with or judge these sorts of people, or even my self. Just as I observe how I have more than once been abandoned by bystanders when I've been abused openly by these narcissistic personalities.

I hope you understand that I do not mean to draw much parallel between my self and these abusive persons. I am NOT like them. But I do believe that i was made to feel SHAME by my family and others, and that this was not wrong because it invalidated my inherent self worth and it was others' attempt to offload their own similar issues onto me.

The worst part has been knowing this logically, and even managing to turn it around to a large degree in some areas,but still carrying around other wounds that I was not aware I had. Eventhough I knew things were not right with me, as I was riddled with (shame based) anxiety (social anxiety disorder) and unable to work or bullied at work.
All of this, along with some degree of emotional immaturity (lack of better awareness and a little immature egocentricity) in certain respects (and greater maturity in others) has set me up as an easy target for narcissistic people out in the world. Who,again, offload their similar issues in a cowardly way by abusing me.

I am trying to strengthen my self and to see past all "the surface" ...including dissolving any shame for having some areas of emotional immaturity -and not allowing these abusers to trick me into believing that it is worse than it is, simply because they are too cowardly to face who they are.

But it is truly hard. I feel like I am in a warzone some days. And like I have been trying to grow surrounded by spiritual poverty.... my parents, particularly my father, is very deficient in terms of building my self esteem up, in fact he has done the opposite in some crushing ways. And the rest of my family have often used me as a dumping ground for all of their own serious emotional problems, and have me stuck in a bind whereby I am given no choice but to put up with it.

One of the worst aspects is that the aggression is an attempt to disorient and stun you into complying with their pathetic need to control and dominate. I frequently feel like I walk on eggshells around more than one member of my family.

Being in such a toxic environment -that I was supposed to be able to rely on for unconditional support- has been truly taxing to say the least. No wonder I had an anxiety disorder for so long.

I am so tired of having to deal with abusive people, who do not have the emotional resources or accountability to step back more from their abusive behaviours, to practice forgiveness and open heartedness themselves ...and tired of all of the high standards being forced onto me.

I am working on NARP - Narcisisstic Abuse Recovery. IT is not a cheap program, (but a person can get the essential basic program if they go on you tube, and look at one of the sessions) but I feel good about it. And the same can't be said for anything I've been served up from so-called "professional" therapist. Sorry, just have not found a good one, not even one who was decent or intelligent enough to know that they could not help me.

I am working on building up what I call my CORE sense of self worth. I think that one of the tricks that these abusers use, along with their hyper aggression, is to attempt to fool you into doubting yourself along the lines of causing you to question things like... "HOW" bad am i? ....Maybe I do deserve bullying ....Some of this, at least in my case, is probably also based upon past experience where I was my self guilty of being abusive in my early twenties (it was very out of character and not usual at all for me) and I was dealt with in an unfairly harsh (and hypocritical) way by the authorities involved ...most devastatingly was that my own father was one such "authority". This was a real betrayal. ...a message along the lines of real rejection and shaming by my own father, and then my family in turn. ...I have, in fact been thrust into the role of "unacknowledged leader"/scapegoat-victim.

Because the authorities could not model correct behaviour -that of forgiveness- and instead were punitive, eye-for-an-eye ...it sent a shaming message to me.

And unfortunately for me, I have high sensitivity, and could only have to work really hard yet again to have to undo the damage of this so-called "corrective" experience...!

The hardest part has been that I have seen through things and worked out what was going on and know of basics about victim-bully dynamics...

...and yet, it still has only helped me so much now. This stuff is so complicated. And even if I got lucky as a young person and somehow intuitively knew how to help my self -at least for certain areas of my self esteem ...since then, I have struggled to help others aspects of my life and self esteem.

I have faith in Energy/Emotional types of healing, since I really have found that I can KNOW stuff but not BELIEVE in it. That my emotions are really running the show, that it is all the unconscious beliefs that are screwing things up for me -and my emotions give access to these, are these unconscious beliefs really.

I am drawing from some good wisdom that came to me, when i was younger and somehow knew what to do to help my self out of abuse.
...And it was what I was writing above... to not get fooled by narcissistic people into worrying about the details. They focus on the small things and get the big things wrong.


The irony is that whoever stoops so low as to be abusive, is BY DEFINITION IN THE WRONG and certainly MORE IN THE WRONG.

There is a boundary right there. And I remembered telling my self to focus just on this and to build my self up in believing in this. And that my intuition would then guide me as to when and how to speak up and draw better boundaries.

I am so truly weary and spent - too much abuse and ridiculous waste of opportunity.
Plus, in all sincerity, I don't see that I am similar enough to these abusive people ...I should not be on the receiving end of their absurd immaturity and negativity.

I hope that if I continue to build my self up and simplify things, that I will cut these POS off early on. They may deal with their emotions in this destructive way, but that is THEIR problem. NOT MINE.
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Re: Narcissistic Family

Postby Tryin2heal » Tue Sep 25, 2018 12:54 am

Thank you for your post.
I so relate.
If you’re doing NARP then you’re probably learning that we attract these people until we outgrow them (our own voids of self worth).
Spending time with God is huge. In a healing way we can sit with him.
Something I learned today - I FINALLY got the lesson. And I hope sharing it with you can help.
The answer is CALMNESS.

When we are calm, we no longer give the many N types we meet the reaction (feed) they want.

But be prepared for the ones who are used to it to be angry.
Make sure you need nothing from them.
This is tough because like you I am an under earner. I never thought I’d get out. But I did. With $1500 and a few credit cards I got from buying what I needed with credit then paying it all off each month my credit skyrocketed in 2 months. I left the state.
I’m in the process of trying 2 heal now (hence my user name), and I’d like to be friends.
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Re: Narcissistic Family

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Sep 26, 2018 6:43 pm

I hope that if I continue to build my self up and simplify things, that I will cut these POS off early on. They may deal with their emotions in this destructive way, but that is THEIR problem. NOT MINE.

Well said!
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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