My mother had DID, questions - triggers

I'm not even really sure where to start. My mom (Step-mom, but raised me since one, think of her as my mother 100%) has been diagnosed did and ptsd. she suffered severe ritual SA as a child. I had always felt as if there were 3 significant personalities within her. I don't judge her at all for this, I hurt for her, I wish that I could take away every bit of pain she has ever endured. As a parent she made mistakes, like most, but now as i look back (I'm 25 now) I think that maybe it was partly her alters fault. Her and my dad tried their best, and i feel grateful that i had her there for me, my biological mother for the most part abandoned me. I am dealing with some of my own issues, severe emotional abuse mainly, and it's bringing up so many questions withing myself and about my moms illness. I hate calling it an illness. I don't look at her as sick, or ill in any way, she is actually one of the strongest women i know, and instilled that strength in my sister and i. I wish that i could actually talk to her about this. i have so many question. i know there are more than the 3 main alters (a teenager - wild party child, an extremely cold-hearted, selfish and cruel personality, and my mom - the woman who raised me, the woman who put all my needs before her own, a woman who took me in as her own flesh and blood and raised me alongside my sister), i know there is a little girl who prays to god in there too. i just don't know how to approach it and talk about it with her. Would she even be comfortable doing that with me? I don't want her to be embarrassed, i want her to be just as comfortable talking about this as we are with everything else. We are very close, i rarely confide in anyone but her. I want to become more educated on the subject, because i want to do everything i can to help her. If there are any other children of DID parents out there, please give me any words of wisdom, or just your story. I am just looking for someone to relate to. I have my own issues stemming from an extremely dysfunctional childhood, i am wondering if there are others who feel the same....sorry if this was all over the place. i am quite the scatterbrain.

I'm not the child of someone who has DID, I have multiple personalities myself, I hape my advice is okay to you.

At first I like that you do't look at DID as a illness/disease, I always say "my condition" instead of "my disease", sounds more positive.

To answer your question: I don't know. I can't tell you if you can ask your mother questions about DID, I also don't know if the answers you would get to hear are very pleasant to hear. I only know that it is not impossible for someone with DID to talk about it. I too have gotten lots of questions, I even had to talk about it in front of about 15 people, that probably was the hardest moment in my entire life. I got hit with a lot of memories of my abuse, even when I was talking about the basics of DID. It was hard, and I'm only the scout, I'm not mentally strong or something like that. Yet I now know that it is not impossible to talk about it, but I also don't know if it is possible for your mom.

I did notice that it is a lot easier to answer DID-related questions when I have to write, like on this forum, or in e-mails or letters.

Feel free to ask any questions to me if you want to

Suzie

Hello there, Oh my goodness I want you to know you're not alone in your confusion and pain in all this. Both my parents were/are DID (though my father I have fewer memories of as they are held by other parts of me). Neither were diagnosed and I have only just worked it out due to myself having DID or perhaps DDNOS (I am waiting for a referral to a specialist clinic). I first want to say that I am pleased that there was a part of your mum who could love you and that, I think, is a promising thing. Also, if she has been diagnosed then this obviously means she has some awareness of the stuff going on for her? This is also promising. I am saying this because my own mother is not aware of what is going on for her, has no part of her that is capable of real insight or empathy because I suppose she is of a different generation when the help wasn't there and her defences are just so massive she won't go near any painful feelings and can switch into very cruel parts of herself who tell me I am the mad one when I have tried to gently raise the issue of her getting therapy (I wouldn't even dare suggest to her that I think she is DID even though sometimes she calls me 'mummy', sometimes she is emotionally detached intelligent adult, sometimes she is punishing, resentful and cruel, sometimes she treats me as her partner and is loving but touches me inappropriately and sometimes she is downright psychopathic). Your mum sounds like she has a LOT of capacity for goodness but what I would say is that DID is a very powerful way of protecting against horrendous pain and it might be very hard to try and get her to talk about it. However, you do have a right to express your feelings of pain and confusion over growing up with this. This is where I might not be much help as my mother is highly narcissistic in every part and I am not allowed to show any anger or upset or negative feelings towards her that 'make' her feel bad. My family do not talk about anything relating to feelings or relationships and the code is one of outright denial. I don't know if there is a part of your mum who can listen well and hear that this was difficult for you but that you want to understand without getting defensive? I'd say that if you and your mum are willing, I would talk about this with a professional in the room (if this is at all possible) as this will help manage the situation and any painful feelings that arise. Of course everyone, including those with DID, are unique so I don't know if I can say exactly how your mum would react to you trying to talk to her but I don't want you to bare the brunt if it becomes difficult. I know that I find it incredibly difficult to explain my reality to anyone and feel panic when I try (though only two people know about my DID and one of them is my therapist who isn't the best person as she isn't trained in this so even with her I feel at a loss often and the other is also a therapist who is more of a friend). I am sorry that you are dealing with so much and I am aware that there is very very little in the way of info around growing up with a DID parent (I have googled this countless times and have found pratically nothing as the emphasis is on the people with DID). I feel as if you are probably holding onto a lot of pain that perhaps you feel you can't express because your mum is the one with the 'issues'? Do you feel you have to be the strong one? I know this is what I felt around my own mother. This is a very hard situation as your feelings need a space too. Sorry if I missed anything, got anything wrong or didn't answer any specific questions as I'm a bt foggy in the mornings but you can ask me any further questions. If I don't respond quickly that's because I've 'disappeared' (I am also having a very difficult time at the moment) but when I am back I will try and be of some help, even if it's just in you knowing that you're not alone in this experience.
Kind regards,
1+?????

Thank you both for your responses. it definitely helps to know i am not the only one out there dealing with this. My mother and i are very open with eachother, and she has tried talking to me about it, but it seems as though she is embarrassed, which she does not need to be. Sometimes it's so hard not knowing what i am going to get, the mom who listens and is empathetic to me, or the selfish woman who only cares about personal gain.

Are you guys able to control your alters? do you realize when you are switching? And i really hope this question doesn't offend anyone, but how do you know which one is the real you? I get that all of these are real parts of you, but which one is the dominant one, and can you keep the others at bay?

My mother also experiences a lot of night terrors/flashbacks...i have definitely seen a flashback in action, or at least that's what i think it is. She gets a glassy eyed look, and is completely absent from reality. Sometimes when she comes back, she is a different person. Do either of you experience this?

I am trying to be as supportive as possible. My father is not, he is a manic bi-polar (not diagnosed), and doesn't think the therapy my mother is going through is necessary. Do you think it would be out of line to ask my mother to sit in on a therapy session with her? I feel like i have so many questions, and her therapist is a really great person who legitimately gives a $#%^ about her, and has asked a lot about me. My mom says a lot of the time she spends there, she talks about me. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I feel in some ways, that because of her abuse (also she was adopted), she was able to take me in as her own, and be the adult advocate for me, that she never had.

If you guys have any other suggestions (i.e., books, websites, forums) for me, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, on a different topic, have either of you suffered from extensive emotional abuse/abandonment issues? I myself am trying to deal with some of my own complications, and am looking for people to relate to. I sort of put myself on the backburner, as i feel my mother is much more important and i can't let her see me be weak. she needs a strong support system, and my sister and i are it. sorry for the rambling again. it feels great to get some of this out. thank you so much for your kind and supportive words.

-- Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:07 pm --

also, another question, are there varying degrees of DID? like minor, to severe...

I was diagnosed with DID in 2010. Previously I had been treated for PTSD. I was originally diagnosed as a 'psychotic' child at the age of 2 (when autism was called 'infantile psychosis). I have recently come to the conclusion that my mother - in whom I see psychopathy, addictions, BPD, NPD and a pedophile is multiple with different parts of her being one or the other of these and some part of her being a 'white wash' to block each of these from conscious awareness. I also see multiplicity in my father who I feel fitted bipolar and was relatively schizoaffective at other times and who grew up with a father who was a WW1 veteran. Because their multiplicity was so 'normal' and because mine was far more like my fathers and my mothers was so dangerous and dark, I didn't recognise hers until recently. Seeing her as a dangerous person with DID - and only 16% of mothers with DID are severely abusive and dangerous to their children and only 30% of those abused repeat the abuse on their children - meant I could no longer see the abuse of my own parts as having been done by 'one abuser'. My mother did have someone in there capable of being a real mother but it was a window of a few years before I was born and after I was born it was only there in glimpses and gone since I was 8. It is hard to handle the 'white wash' alter which portrays itself as that person but it is surfacy and that other one was real... I know the difference. I'm glad the one you had did not fit the 16% my mother was part of.

I'm going to try to break down your post to answer your questions in a straightforward fashion.

kablauw3 wrote:Thank you both for your responses. it definitely helps to know i am not the only one out there dealing with this. My mother and i are very open with eachother, and she has tried talking to me about it, but it seems as though she is embarrassed, which she does not need to be. Sometimes it's so hard not knowing what i am going to get, the mom who listens and is empathetic to me, or the selfish woman who only cares about personal gain.

For most of us, DID is really embarrassing. Why? Because the DID itself is the admission that you were abused, often in a traumatic fashion. And there's shame that comes with that. It's embarrassing because it's very much misunderstood and stigmatized. It's embarrassing for me as a mother because I feel incapable of being all that my son needs me to be for him day by day. There are days I'm empathetic and compassionate and days I'm totally inward, dark and function very poorly in motherhood. Understand that your mother may carry some or all of these feelings in varying degrees.

kablauw3 wrote:Are you guys able to control your alters? do you realize when you are switching? And i really hope this question doesn't offend anyone, but how do you know which one is the real you? I get that all of these are real parts of you, but which one is the dominant one, and can you keep the others at bay?

The short answer for me is no. I really can't control my alters. They're ALL the real me though. The real me is broken in pieces. Singletons (non-DID folk) carry all their light and dark in one package. Think about it as having one large suitcase for travel as opposed to four medium-small suitcases. A singleton carries their anger and shame and joy and empathy and selfishness in one package and can identify all those pieces. A multiple has a suitcase full of anger, a suitcase full of logic, a suitcase full of wonder/curiosity. And we can only open one at a time.

I can keep my more challenging alters at bay only by avoiding triggers. And not all triggers are avoidable.

kablauw3 wrote:My mother also experiences a lot of night terrors/flashbacks...i have definitely seen a flashback in action, or at least that's what i think it is. She gets a glassy eyed look, and is completely absent from reality. Sometimes when she comes back, she is a different person. Do either of you experience this?

It could be a flashback, for sure. Part of DID is dissociation in all degrees. Really, PTSD is just under the DID umbrella so to speak, you'll see that dissociation on the whole spectrum, from simple "checking out" to switching, just like you described.

kablauw3 wrote:I am trying to be as supportive as possible. My father is not, he is a manic bi-polar (not diagnosed), and doesn't think the therapy my mother is going through is necessary. Do you think it would be out of line to ask my mother to sit in on a therapy session with her? I feel like i have so many questions, and her therapist is a really great person who legitimately gives a $#%^ about her, and has asked a lot about me. My mom says a lot of the time she spends there, she talks about me. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I feel in some ways, that because of her abuse (also she was adopted), she was able to take me in as her own, and be the adult advocate for me, that she never had.

It's a good thing, overall. If she's talking about you, she values you, and she spends time legitimately concerned about how her condition may impact you. Ask her if that would be something she'd ever be comfortable doing, though. Time with a T can be incredibly private. There are some levels of privacy that can't bridge the parent/child gap.

kablauw3 wrote:If you guys have any other suggestions (i.e., books, websites, forums) for me, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, on a different topic, have either of you suffered from extensive emotional abuse/abandonment issues? I myself am trying to deal with some of my own complications, and am looking for people to relate to. I sort of put myself on the backburner, as i feel my mother is much more important and i can't let her see me be weak. she needs a strong support system, and my sister and i are it. sorry for the rambling again. it feels great to get some of this out. thank you so much for your kind and supportive words.

-- Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:07 pm --

also, another question, are there varying degrees of DID? like minor, to severe...

Yes to varying degrees. Dissociation is often described as a spectrum. Most people who are diagnosed DD-NOS (DID lite, I guess) eventually go on to be diagnosed with DID. The lines are blurred along that dissociation spectrum, so diagnosis is more for the sake of understanding the severity of a dissociation problem than giving a label.

And yes to emotional abandonment/neglect... Toss in some sexual and physical abuse and you have a perfect cocktail for DID. My honest recommendation to you would be to recognize that ALL parents fall short, whatever baggage they bring to the parenting gig. I've yet to find a person who has escaped their childhood without any scars. It sounds like you feel a lot of compassion for your step-mom and understand that the things she had to fight through to raise you are incredible. Would you just... share that with her this mother's day? It's incredibly hard to talk about the DID even with my husband and best friend; I can't imagine the day I have to acknowledge the role it's played in my son's life and begin those conversations with him. Even now I feel painfully ashamed of my own failures day in and day out.

That said, allow yourself to grow up and be your own person. With great love and respect from me, I hear a touch of codependency in your overwhelming concern. It's very loving, the way you're committed to understanding and relating to her in this, but recognize that you cannot fix her DID or even relieve her of the pain. Your forgiveness for her shortcomings and living the best life you can at 25 and beyond are some of the best thanks you will ever be able to give her.

I hope this was helpful.

This is the cycle of child abuse and neglect. I have DID because when I was a small child my parents damaged me that much. They did not mean to do it but they did. They did it because they too had mental health and behavioral problems due to childhood abuse and neglect by their parents. My parents worked hard to bury their problems and mine in silence and denial, as if denying a problem could make it not exist.

For this reason I have reported my condition to all my children's professional care providers, and I have had my children evaluated. By all objective measures my children have not been damaged, but if they ever are damaged I will want them to receive the best available treatment to restore them.

I have DID/PTSD etc. My childhood was dysfunctional my mom had anxiety depression and eating disorder to my knowledge nothing else. I've kind of listened as I been on my journey about her journey and things she talked, my mom from her childhood cycle of abuse in my family as well. My dad, dysfunctional family but never a person to enter to any type of mental health, you know just like a man. Since, I'm also from abusive marriage I'm still having trouble convincing my ex spouse about the importance of our children making sure their mental health is taken care of. I have extreme anxiety at the notion of especially since I've gone through tremendously. One, I don't want to keep opening up my book, because it leaves me unsafe. My ex and I have done somethings in secret that I have since admitted to him and a therapists. He had no comment, but I didn't go into details and I don't think I should. As long as the lesson is learned and memory is outletted to someone I've done my job. ......

Try and talk to your stepmother, but don't press the issue her safety is what is more important in my humble opinion. If it is closure your looking for in your own childhood then I understand. It is probably best that you remember yourself, let those memories surface. It will be more real to you. What does it look like for your step mom to say I did this and that and you don't remember. Do you think it will be helpful? I guess it might be I'm unsure. You all schedule time and she will she will speak in doses. Don't expect to out let a bunch of memories, take it as they come it's best for safety.

Hi, I don't know that I'll be of any help, but I'd like to share my experience.
I am the oldest daughter of two, and my mother had DID. She's now nearly 90 and was able to free herself from the DID because of 9 years of talk therapy.
At one point when I was in college a therapist I was seeing there, suggested I go home and talk to my mother about my life with her condition. It was a very scary thing to do. I proceeded very carefully and she told me a few things. She said that when she disassociated, she went away to a place where she was a young teen with two older brothers. But in reality she did not have brothers.
My earliest memory of her disappearing was her being tricky about it. She would sit down on our couch, open up a book and then "go away." I knew it and often tended to things on my own because she was not available. To wake her up, we had to really call her name loudly, or shake her arm. Then she'd come back, but I never knew if she'd be angry, or the happy mom I knew. So I didn't do that very often.
When I was 9, she became aware that my teacher felt I was a nervous child and might need some counseling. That woke her up. She took me to a family counselor who had never dealt with DID. On the second visit her suggested that she get help, so that she could help me. She went for it. and "disappeared" on him right there in his office. He told me years and years later that it had scared him and he felt he was not well enough trained a a new practicing psychologist. When he called his college mentor, the mentor told him that if she disappeared right there on the second visit, then he was the right one.
It's curious. I'm the child that became the parent/child. My younger sister imitated my mom and tended to disappear into her own fantasy world. Both of us girls married men with Asperger's. My husband is high-functioning, my sister's, not so much. So both of us married men who want some mothering, so to speak.
When I'm highly stressed, my brain does some weird stuff trying to cope. I see every single detail of things around me, of facial expressions. I notice everything and life becomes even more complicated. I seem to float above myself, just a foot or two. Like I'm trying to disassociate from the stress in my own body.
I'm just now, age 60, figuring how all this ties together.
And I must admit, I spent years trying to figure out who I was. From the time I was a young child, I just wanted to know the rules, but of course, as a child, I could not understand the adult world.
I raised four kids of my own and I can see disassociate traits in 3 of the 4 kids.
That's my story.

"When I'm highly stressed, my brain does some weird stuff trying to cope. I see every single detail of things around me, of facial expressions. I notice everything and life becomes even more complicated. I seem to float above myself, just a foot or two. Like I'm trying to disassociate from the stress in my own body."

Thank you JJJohns for posting this. I am the younger sibling and my sister had to take the same role that you did. I really relate to what you said about coping now with stress and how you see every single detail. My sister and I no longer live close but when we are together we both can tell that we are the same. We can pickup on every facial expression or detail of a situation. I'm not sure why and I never understood. I think it makes sense though if it is because we always had to notice subtle changes in our mom's mannerisms to know which alter she was. We also had to grow up very fast and do the things she wasn't able to. I'm just really happy to have finally searched for a forum where other children of DID parents can talk. When we were kids I don't think it was very common so I've never talked to or met anyone else other than my sister who went through the same things. Thank you for sharing your experiences.