putting it off

I don't know why I keep putting off the things my T tells me to do to increase communication with myself. I hear things being said in my head but I never tell him about it or write it down so I later forget and then I'm sitting like an idiot in my therapy sessions trying to conjure up things to say....it's so frustrating. He tells me to listen to them and write in my journal but I always make excuses to myself and wind up not doing it. "It's too late now, I'm tired I'll do it tommorow" or I'll consume myself with watching T.V too much or eating and throwing up too much. I hate it. Why do I do this, is it some form of avoidance and if so how do I overcome it? Thanks guys, you all are so great and I'm grateful for this support!

Yes, that is avoidance. To stop doing it you have to... well... stop doing it. I know that isn't easy to do. How about an experiment? Start small. Decide that just for tonight you will write down in your journal anything they say. Do something quiet, and have the journal and a pen or pencil at hand. Certain books I have been reading generate a lot of internal chatter. I mark the pages that generate the most chatter, and go back to read them again later, and listen to the chatter more than focus on the text. The result often is informative.

Many of my longer posts here are the result of that process.

Avoidance is like depression. You just gotta f*#king force it sometimes, no matter how much you don't want to do it. And afterwards, you'll be thinking, "why didn't I do this before?". One thing that could help is typing instead of writing- we type faster than writing. Or speaking into a recording device so it's not as tiring. Sh*t, even shoot a video if you want. Least you'll have a record somehow. And like Una+ said, start small. Even a baby step forward is a step forward. F*#k, even crawling is still movement forward.

One thing you might discover- it's not as hard as you think once you get started. Even if you're tired. Cassandra can be tired as f*#k but once she sits down and opens up a word document, it doesn't f*#king matter 'cause we're the ones typing. She doesn't have to do sh*t usually, and she finds it's surprisingly easy to just let herself zone out and let her fingers type away.

-KAT