Not sure what this is.

Hi everyone. For the last 8 years I have suffered with psychosis. Doctors have never given me a more solid diagnosis as psychosis is very broad and covers a wide range of disorders. Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder are more suited to me but doctors find it hard to put me in one category.

However I was curious about a few things and after posting questions about this else where I was advised to perhaps come to the DID forum and ask a few things here.

I have three voices that I hear quite a lot and they sound like real people somewhere in the room. They sometimes tell me to do things or they just sit and chat with me. However when I'm in a particularly stressful situation or going through a really rough period these voices tend to take over and assume control. When I was at my worst ,about 4 years ago, the really negative voice, Darren, started to take over my body. He would leave me notes in a notebook I let him have and these notes would usually be very insulting towards me but he would sometimes leave me chemical formulas and various other things. After looking up what these were he wanted me to create explosives. At the time I was in high school and he basically wanted me to blow up my school. I was really scared because even though I knew I personally wouldn't have gone ahead with it I was worried he would take over and do it. Now in these periods I can't really recall much. Sometimes I can but it's almost like being in a dream. Darren has also acted very aggressively and violently towards people.

Recently things have been happening again with a different voice but I can recall things. It's almost like we're both in control or he's in control but I can see and if I don't like somethings he's doing I can fight to stop him.

Really I was just a bit curious about things. I've never really heard of people with psychosis having other personalities or voices taking over (although I know lots of people get schizophrenia mixed with DID). I wondered what you guys thought about this and if you had any insight into it. Thanks

Hi there! It can be really disconcerting not knowing if the voices are a schizoaffective issue which (by my understanding) can be controlled via medications.... or something else/different. Are you seeing a therapist at all to help you navigate this?

The notebook seems like a communication tool that is already familiar/handy so perhaps you can leave a note for Darren. Let him know that you are interested in communicating. He is there for a reason.

I think that communication must come first. Ask him how you can help.... ask him his strengths...each part of a system is valuable and individual - but also part of you - all for one and one for all, right? It makes sense that you would hear or experience more 'symptoms' when stressed out... there may be triggers in your life you aren't aware of as being triggers - and these (potentially) different parts within you are reacting as they may have had to in the past to protect you from the trigger, negative feelings, etc...

maybe explore a little on this board or post more questions, etc... if you can communicate with Darren or the other voices - try to establish this very important thing first: since you mention not always being in control of (your body/actions) establish that what one does - affects all...and safety towards those on the outside and inside is very important.

Perhaps saying all this has gotten someone's attention....let (them?) know that their feelings are important. They are important - as are you. Meanwhile, please feel free to come here - there are very very good people here on all different levels of their journey and very honest and open.

Take care!

Thanks for your reply. I was seeing a psychologist a few months ago but we got to a point where neither one of us really knew what to do so she discharged me. However I'm with a team that deals with psychosis and I have a support worker within that service who helps me.

I can't remember if I ever mentioned that the voices can sometimes take over. I don't think I did mention it as it didn't really seem that important at the time and, again, I wasn't really sure if it was related at all with psychosis as I've never really heard of voices assuming control over a person before. This is something I may bring up with my support worker though.

After reading your post I decided to go out and buy a little notebook for each voice in case they ever take over in the future and want to leave me messages. Or even if they don't I can write details about each voice and how they effect me in the notebooks, like a diary about each one.

Thanks again.

Doctors will only know what's going on with you if you tell them. So whether or not you think it's relevant, tell them every single f*#king thing that goes on with you. Otherwise you'll get misdiagnosed and sh*t, like you might have been already. When you're getting diagnosed, you can't hold back any cards- no "aces up the sleeve", nothing hidden. You gotta lay out all your f*#king cards on the table, otherwise no one will know what your hand really looks like (or what your diagnosis should really be).

-KAT