I just thought I'd catch everyone up

(Owl) First off, thanks to everyone on this forum. It is a wonderful, safe, and scintillating space. I have found everyone here to be a kindred spirit. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this message, as well.

I recently posted a rather panicked post regarding the discovery of two new child alters. Pegasus, age 9, and Noah, age 10. Apparently Pegasus was present when I was in the 4th grade, to protect me from bullies, and Noah came out in the 5th grade.

I was very reluctant to accept Pegasus into the system at first. She was loud, obnoxious, full of foul language, and the complete opposite of how I viewed myself. She has been very patient with my doubt, and I really appreciate it. She has also given me a lot of answers, which is so wonderful. She has explained some inner workings of my mind, that make it clearer why I perceive things certain ways; I will elaborate. At first, I didn't think that Noah or Pegasus could "fit in" to my system. I couldn't amalgamate them with how I had previously seen my system and myself. But since Pegasus's arrival, my mind has felt clearer, and I've received many answers. I am glad to welcome the both of them into our system.

Pegasus told me about an "inner-dictionary" that she, and possibly the other alters use to communicate inside. She knows in her mind what she wants to say, and this inner dictionary provides the words based on context, to help her best explain. It's like a virtual dictionary that she is constantly communicating with. Different than what we know a "dictionary" to be. The dictionary apparently provides words based on our experiences, anecdotes, and chooses certain words depending on the emotion she or others are trying to express. This dictionary isn't a "being" but a process of our mind. I hope I'm not totally confusing everyone here. Can anyone relate to this?

Pegasus told me she is the "young Lion", but she is NOT a "mirror" of Lion. I'm not sure whether she "replicated" herself and let one grow up, while the other stayed young. She says she "stayed for Noah". Noah is a curious fellow. I've only heard him say a few words, and apparently he is deaf. >< I have trouble believing this. I know I've had trouble understanding what people say, when talking to people in my daily life. She said it's not an ear problem, but a mind problem. She also said that Noah's development in certain areas is stunted. And that, Noah is a "mirror" of Bunny, meaning that Bunny kind of "split" off of Noah, so that he could grow up, without Noah's developmental barriers. Noah and Bunny have a lot of overlapping traits, but they are no longer the same person. However, Pegasus says she IS the same person as Lion, just young.

Pegasus also told me that she was present at age 13. So I asked her, why is she "9" and not 13. She said she didn't age so she could stay with Noah. Even though she has the experiences of a 13-yr-old, she is at the age of 9, if that makes any sense? It was difficult for me to wrap my mind around.

I have noticed the resurfacing of old uncomfortable feelings that I seem to know came from childhood. I also seem to "know" that they are from Noah.

Oh, one more thing Pegasus told me about Noah that disturbs me. >< She said that he doesn't associate a negative value with pain. Meaning, pain is just another feeling to him. I don't know entirely what this means >< And I wonder how it can be true?

I wanted to share these new developments and let you know that I am doing a bit better. I also want to know if any of what I've discovered resonates with anyone else's experiences?

The lack of a negative association to pain can give credence to two possible theories: A)pain is a semi constant/highly occurring feeling to him with a lack of further emotional or psychical feelings; B) Pain may be a trigger/enabler for him so pain carries both a positive and negative result that nullifies it to a neutral standing.

Hi Rath. Thank you for those theories. I'll have to ask Bunny, Noah and Pegasus about them. We did have a lot of pain when we were a baby, but we don't remember it and our parents said we never cried. I wonder if both your theories may hold some truth for Noah. I'll let you know what I find out.

Thanks!

I'm a little brain-numb tonite, but did want to let you know it was nice to hear your updates. The inner dictionary sounds like a great tool your system has learned to use and I'm so excited to hear how you've come to accept everyone in despite the first misgivings..

Noah's deafness was interesting to ponder...I wonder if the body had a physical illness at the time he came to be (possibly ear infection...) or perhaps, (not sure if this should say *trigger*so please read cautiously as it is a theory I have thought of for our situation) one of my son's alters is not fully deaf, but I am beginning to wonder if he did not need to 'tune out' to ignore noises he was not supposed to or want to hear. This theory has helped us better pinpoint this alter's birth...just a thought.

Hey. Good to see your update. ^^

I have heard of alters having or not having the same physical limitations as the host, either having more, less, or different ones. I for one have pretty bad insomnia, have all my life, even my father and siblings have it. I figured it was just genetic or something. But neither Jen nor LElly seem to have any trouble sleeping... I can't explain why this is or why Noah may be unable to hear, but it's not unheard of, anyway.

As for the dictionary, that's pretty cool. We communicate directly that way - our internal conversations are often very vague, more like concepts and emotions than actual speech. It's just easier than finding words sometimes. Other times, we have heard exact words. And often it's some combination of words and emotion. It depends on the day and how those communicating are feeling. There may be a process that does that for us, but I just always considered it part of the way we worked, so I don't really know if it's the same thing. But it sounds handy either way. And using it at will would be a nice way to avoid misunderstandings, I'd imagine. ^^

Tunes14 wrote:Hey. Good to see your update. ^^

I have heard of alters having or not having the same physical limitations as the host, either having more, less, or different ones. I for one have pretty bad insomnia, have all my life, even my father and siblings have it. I figured it was just genetic or something. But neither Jen nor LElly seem to have any trouble sleeping... I can't explain why this is or why Noah may be unable to hear, but it's not unheard of, anyway.

We're a bit like that. Most of my alters could be classified as protectors, in the loosest sense for most because they have weapon and combat skills. Kelrick is a very good swordsman, which he showed against a few fencing club members at school. Both Voss and Rath are stronger than me, but they also tap into anger, adrenaline and hate, so there's that to consider. Corvax scares the living daylights out of animals, which is really weird to see.

Was good to read your update.

We have one who is deaf also. I'm not sure why. I just wanted to say that we can relate.

Also, with the pain thing, I completely get that. If what he experiences is anything what it's like for me it's like just another feeling. It's not bad, it's not good, it's just another feeling. It took me a long time to work out that that was what other people were referring to as pain because it doesn't really bother me and so I didn't think it was pain because most people seem to be distressed by pain and I wasn't. The problem with experiencing pain as being a neutral feeling though is that it is much harder to recognise when you need medical attention for it. Because obviously you don't end up distressed by it like other people do, so the only real reason to seek treatment is to prevent the injury from healing in a manner that would cause less than optimal functioning. Like if it were to get infected or prevent movement for example.

Thanks all for your responses! And I apologize that I am late in responding myself! I'm a bit "brain-numb" myself lately.

HopeIsHere wrote:The inner dictionary sounds like a great tool your system has learned to use and I'm so excited to hear how you've come to accept everyone in despite the first misgivings..

Thank you! I have felt more whole shortly after doing so, which was surprising to me, but a nice feeling all the same! However, >< some bad feelings from childhood have also returned. Not memories, but thoughts and uncomfortable feelings that I somehow know came from childhood. >< Pegasus seems to know what they are. She says they are voices, but not alters. Voices caused by memories of uncomfortable things.

HopeIsHere wrote:This theory has helped us better pinpoint this alter's birth...just a thought.

I'm hoping to find out why it is for Noah. That theory does make sense, I'm not sure what ours is.

HopeIsHere wrote:I wonder if the body had a physical illness at the time he came to be

It is possible. Also, now it occurs to me, I had a verbally abusive and controlling friend at Noah's age. Maybe he tuned her out for our health. So that our whole system wasn't dragged down by this person.

Tunes14 wrote:As for the dictionary, that's pretty cool. We communicate directly that way - our internal conversations are often very vague, more like concepts and emotions than actual speech. It's just easier than finding words sometimes. Other times, we have heard exact words. And often it's some combination of words and emotion. It depends on the day and how those communicating are feeling.

That does sound a LOT like how we communicate.

I'll finish this response later!