Hiya, O.o *possible triggers*

This may or may not be where I belong, I'd prefer to just throw what I know out there and see if maybe people can help me figure out where the pieces land.

I'm 28 and male, my name is Perry.

and that shoulda been that

Hi Percival, Hey Percival. I'd ask "what's up", but it looks like there's a lot that's "up" with you. Don't mind her, or her supposed sense of humor. Hey, news flash, we got the same sense of humor dumb@$$. Please, you're the one who comes up with the dumb jokes. Shut up. You shut up. ANYWAY... I'm LC, and I'm Luna. We're probably not the most helpful people to be replying to this, but we figured we'd give it a shot anyway.

It definitely sounds to us, before this post got changed/deleted, -yeah, wasn't there more here before?-, like you have a dissociative disorder, most likely DDNOS/DID. But if you want for-sure answers and treatment options, we'd advise you to seek out a therapist and get a professional diagnosis. Having some therapy in general would probably help, too. From everything we've read, or at least think we read- that longer post was here right?, you definitely seem to have other parts of you, though how separate they are is unknown. The memory gaps, the voices like the one saying he could get you out of the hospital, the time "skips", finding out about sh*t you did but don't remember doing, all of those are huge signs of DDNOS/DID. There's a strong possibility you "belong" here, in our opinion. But whether or not you have DDNOS/DID, we hope that you're able to find this place helpful. This is a safe, understanding, and supportive place. Feel free to post anything you feel comfortable with. We hope that answers become clear for you soon, and that sh*t gets better for you. ~LC ~Luna

Oh my... I coulda sworn that I wrote more, in fact I'm positive that I threw a bunch of stuff out I remember that some of it was stuff that while I was typing I was like remember to reread this, this is important you gotta remember it... and now that I'm at work and I've found this page bookmarked, and what you're saying and all that comes to mind is "shouldnta said sh*t" O.o

The oddest part I suppose, Percival? That's my ex's dad's name he called me, a joke cause of Percival from Arthurian Legend died a virgin after finding the grail

Percival wrote:Oh my... I coulda sworn that I wrote more, in fact I'm positive that I threw a bunch of stuff out I remember that some of it was stuff that while I was typing I was like remember to reread this, this is important you gotta remember it... and now that I'm at work and I've found this page bookmarked, and what you're saying and all that comes to mind is "shouldnta said sh*t" O.o

The oddest part I suppose, Percival? That's my ex's dad's name he called me, a joke cause of Percival from Arthurian Legend died a virgin after finding the grail

Hi Perry (@Percival) and welcome to the DID Forum.

You did write more and some people here read your original post before you edited it and deleted most of it. Don't feel bad, we see this happening a lot. Also, you wrote it once so you can write it again; all those thoughts and feelings are still in there and likely not far from the surface either.

Yeah they must be close to the surface cause I just read something someone wrote and it "felt" too close in a lot of ways, had to take a break to go walk around so I didn't start cryin at work.
I always hate that moment when I realize I'm "wandering" like that

Oh an email from my co-worker, I wonder what it says...

"Read the papers you gave me about DID. O_o" her
"I don’t recall exactly what they said so I’ll need them back ^_^" me
"It creepily described your personality to a T. Now I know when you are you, and when you aren’t!" her

and now I feel aksdjfklaj

Percival wrote:Oh an email from my co-worker, I wonder what it says...

"Read the papers you gave me about DID. O_o" her
"I don’t recall exactly what they said so I’ll need them back ^_^" me
"It creepily described your personality to a T. Now I know when you are you, and when you aren’t!" her

and now I feel aksdjfklaj

Oh my. Now your secret is out. And parts of you are celebrating their liberation while others are on red alert / Danger Will Robinson / emergency / run and hide. Take a deep breath. This moment too shall pass.

I want to add that a few months ago I outed myself to some people at work. Wow was that ever scary. They seem to be taking it well. They are still speaking to me. Our work together goes on much as before. No doubt it is going to take them a while (months?) to take in the new information, learn more, think about it, watch me and see how it goes with me, see how they feel about it all.

Here your co-worker is confirming to you that yep, you have DID and she had noticed the signs, she just didn't know what they revealed about you.

maybe it's paranoia but I feel like everyone I work with "knows" because they are always making comments about me being "quirky" or other nice ways of saying "weird", sometimes I think it's cause they wonder if I'm gonna just lose it at work. O.o

I know that there is at least "someone" that's "happy" about this move,but the reasoning for it or the happy behind it escapes me

I'm sorry you feel "outed" like that. I hope they take it well and that you find the strength and persistence you need in dealing with your co-workers. Nice meeting you.

- Fighter

Percival wrote::oops:
Oh my... I coulda sworn that I wrote more, in fact I'm positive that I threw a bunch of stuff out I remember that some of it was stuff that while I was typing I was like remember to reread this, this is important you gotta remember it... and now that I'm at work and I've found this page bookmarked, and what you're saying and all that comes to mind is "shouldnta said sh*t" O.o

Hello, Perry. My name is Rain. Your "should'nt have said stuff" reaction is very familiar to me. My older sister, Kat, responds that way whenever Cassandra, or any others, share anything deemed "private" or "too personal". This is especially true when any of us share anything concerning other alters, (so in essence, when anyone speaks about alters aside from themselves). It is a normal and understandable response. People can be protective about knowledge concerning themselves, especially when attempting to share it with other people. When you consider the fact that the difficulty increases considerably when attempting to share the suspicions or facts that you have DDNOS/DID, (or any disorder, really), then this response is very common/"normal".

One must also consider the fact that many parts/alters, and sometimes entire systems of other parts/alters, are "designed" to hide and/or protect themselves, others, and the system by hiding them/it and keeping others from knowing about their existence. DDNOS/DID develops from people having to cope with unsafe environments, including environments in which the DDNOS/DID could not afford to be discovered or "found out". This causes defensive mechanisms to develop that help keep the dissociative coping methods hidden from knowledge in an attempt to keep themselves safe. Even when people are no longer in an unsafe environment, these defensive mechanisms can continue to "block" them from sharing certain information or from making their presence known. Until you/they feel safe and/or comfortable about being known, or about sharing certain information, then the defensive reactions will probably continue.

Percival wrote:maybe it's paranoia but I feel like everyone I work with "knows" because they are always making comments about me being "quirky" or other nice ways of saying "weird", sometimes I think it's cause they wonder if I'm gonna just lose it at work. O.o

I know that there is at least "someone" that's "happy" about this move,but the reasoning for it or the happy behind it escapes me

If your coworkers are indeed commenting certain ways because they "know", at least they seem to be trying to do so nicely. That shows hope for acceptance and understanding. If they do "know", it's better to have them nicely commenting on you being "quirky" than to have them insulting you and/or reacting badly to such information. But until you can confirm that your coworkers "know", (aside from the one that emailed you), then I would give them the benefit of the doubt. They probably do not "know" yet.

The reason why a part/"someone" would be happy with being "discovered", is because of freedom. It is freeing to finally be acknowledged; to be recognized by people; to not have to hide anymore; to not hold that secret together any longer. Other parts, including the main one "out"/the host, can feel fear about being "discovered", and experience confusion about why anyone would want to be "found out"; but it is stressful to hide and stay hidden. No matter how bad things may seem/feel currently, in the long run you will feel better about people "knowing" about you. People "knowing" can help you feel validated as well. There are pros and cons to people "knowing", just as there is good and bad to everything. However, I do apologize for how you feel, and am sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I hope that you find help and support here; this is a safe and understanding place. I wish you the best of luck with everything.

~Rain