Possible Intergration - Need help understanding

My alter Mouth wants to intergrate with me - Joan. She says she can help me be more artistic, have a better understanding of how I feel, give me the ability to stand up for myself a little bit, and the ability to get angry. She says she doesn't really have a purpose and she's just taking up space, so she'd like to combine with me. I have no idea how any of this works.

Thoughts?

I have no idea.

I have felt a blending before though, it was amazing, like our essences intertwined to one, then we separated(it lasted a minute max).

Hopefully someone's who's BTDT, will chime in, as I'm highly curious about it as well.

I'm curious too. I've heard from others that it's a great thing, but I can't really even imagine what it must be like, so I have no idea...

What is BTDT?

According to "urban dictionary" - "been there done that"

Joan, I can't tell you what your way of integrating will be, but I can share mine. When one of my others is ready, I picture her (or one day it could be a him) as clearly as I can - and sometimes by then we're already starting to blend, so I can imagine her and feel her at the same time - it does feel like a joining together of essences. My T always asks me to imagine holding her. Then I usually do something that came to mind the first time I did an integration - I imagine taking her into my heart - the heart centre or chakra, not the physical heart, level with the physical heart, in the centre of the body - and from there, feeling her separate self dissolving like light into my heart and body, then I can feel her in all of me, but she feels like "me" now.

Sometimes just before integrating, either the other one or I will have a moment of fear and have to ask my T whether it means that the other one will die - and she reminds us that it doesn't mean that, it means that we will be part of each other and will always be together.

After integrating, I don't feel the other one like a separate part. It's more like I feel within myself the qualities that that alter had - eg I've been able to stand up for myself, to express more, different kinds of feelings - that could be what happens for you when Mouth becomes part of you. I've felt stronger, more solid, more whole - if my head's been fuzzy, or I haven't quite been "in myself", I feel very different after an integration - clear-headed and very much present.

I know there are "natural multiples" who say they don't want to integrate because they aren't spilt-off parts, but I'm one of the ones who started out as one whole (as far as I know), and split because of trauma, so for me it's natural to integrate, and it feels right. I've posted elsewhere about feeling a real strong feeling of hopelessness and despair, and realising it came from an alter, and after finding out which one that was, and integrating with her, I just didn't feel that any more. My T explains that when you and another part become one, you share the feelings and memories, so you can think about them and work through them. Emdr also seems to jump over the dissociative barriers and help the split-off feelings to move from the amygdala (part of the brain) into the neo-cortex - front brain - where they can be thought about, felt and processed. She does integrations with me while I'm holding the alternating buzzers, which seems to help it all along, but as Una wrote elsewhere, it isn't always right to use emdr with DID or DDNOS. The integrations I've described are pure ego state therapy, and can be done without bilateral stimulation - I've done them with therapy clients, and they seem to work just as well, and to hold, when the host and the alter are both ready. Joan, you don't say whether you're in therapy - I don't see why you can't integrate on your own, since Mouth seems so ready and is asking to integrate, but please don't do anything that I've written about unless it feels right to you and to your whole system. It's my personal experience; only you can know what's right for you. So please listen to yourself - and let us know how you are!

According to "urban dictionary" - "been there done that"

Yuppers.

My T always asks me to imagine holding her. Then I usually do something that came to mind the first time I did an integration - I imagine taking her into my heart - the heart centre or chakra, not the physical heart, level with the physical heart, in the centre of the body - and from there[...]

I never knew that was how they do integration. I do something similar. I visualize holding their hand(s), envelope them with love, and keep them close to my "heart" where it's always warm, bright, with everything they need. They have an option to come and go as they please.

Sara2012, thanks for sharing your experience, you have a very elegant way of writing.

Borg - thank you! The way I described holding the alter, then holding her in my heart and letting her dissolve into me like light is something that just came to mind. I don't know if there are Ts who do integration that way.

One time it didn't happen that way - the other just kinda came right into my body, like a melding together.

Your way sounds beautiful too - though it isn't an integration, right? it sounds like a lovely way of holding and taking care of your "others." I love the way that they're free to come and go. It works that way with people on the outside too, doesn't it? I think of my clients in that way. They don't HAVE to come every week, though it's better if they do. If people are free to go, they can come to you freely.

Joan - in case it's helpful, here's a link to an article I just found about integration, written by someone who's much further along the way towards it than I am -

http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?contentID=73&sectionid=4

It seems that in almost every respect my DID story is erotic. Sorry about that! It is what it is. Fair warning. My first two integrations came to pass during orgasm. The first integration was spontaneous and a complete surprise to all concerned! At that point we didn't even know what integration was. Integration during orgasm was anticipated in a profound erotic dream I had very early on in my DID crisis / spiritual emergency. With the second integration I had a sense it was coming for several days beforehand. More recently there seems to have been a third integration of some parts internally, behind the scenes; I wasn't there myself but my sense is it did not involve orgasm. I have searched the DID literature for anything like this and found no mention of any eroticism in connection with integration.

No need to apologise! what an awesome way to integrate. Now I'm thinking about the way in which orgasm dissolves the boundaries of the self - maybe that makes it easier for an integration to happen, when you're ready?

Thanks for the info guys. We're a little scared to intergrate, but it's definaltey on our minds. I want to bring it up to my T to see what she thinks, because she said it's best to keep the "main" ones and both Mouth and Joan are "main" alters. (Out every day kind of thing.)