Hypersexuality/sexual self injury.

TW: mentions of rape.

Not sure how to put this. I'm with a guy I love, and am happy with. I have no abuse memories but I think they must be there because of all the tell-tale signs I have.

I have these hypersexual thoughts that make me want to break up with him. I don't want to break up with him though, I just have these thoughts... It's like a compulsion to have reckless sex... I read an article that said making yourself available to strangers for degrading purposes is a form of sexual self injury and I think is that is happening to me. My alter Sophie gets him to rape her, which is very compulsive for her too, and watches rape porn and writes rape erotica.

A lot of the time the relationship is fine and I don't want to leave him, but it's at times like these that I'm afraid I'll make the same mistakes I have in the past - I used to be unable to commit to him because of the hypersexuality/need to be reckless sexually. I've pulled away from him so I can do these stupid things that I can't really control, because the urges are so strong. I feel like such an awful person for feeling this way... Whenever I feel this way it's like I automatically pull away from him, I get really easily irritated by him, making me wanna break up with him to allow myself to be single and indulge the compulsions... It's not just me either, Sophie has her rape fantasies but she also has fantasies about having sex with older men... Sometimes these feelings are so strong that it's actually painful to resist them. I feel like such a bad person.

And the health service isn't helping, I've been trying to get treatment for depression since August 2009... The depression got worse every year, SSRIs never worked, and eventually I ended up trying my boyfriend's bipolar meds because they're sedative and I couldn't sleep one night, and I felt so wonderful, so peaceful the next day, it was a huge change that I knew I had to be on them. He got his dose increased and I started taking 50mg a night. I ended up on 300mg, told my psych that they were working very well, and she prescribed me them, and moved me up to 450mg as the 300mg dose was wearing off. Months later, the 450mg wore off, and she refused to put the dose up. She said someone my age shouldn't be on such a high dose of antipsychotics and said that they only helped me because it was a placebo (if that was the case, the SSRIs would have worked), but they help me so much. So my boyfriend, already on a dose to high for him, swapped meds with me, his 600mg for my 450mg, and now I've been fine ever since (this was February) and she still refused to put them up, so I've asked to see a new psych and hopefully they will put my dose up.

I've been waiting since my appointment with her in October for psychotherapy... The waiting list is so long... So I am going through all of this without any help and it's absolutely driving me crazy... I feel like such an awful person. How do you deal with these compulsions? Compulsions to sleep with older men, men other than your partner who you don't want to leave, compulsions on my alter's behalf of wanting to be raped and abused physically, and all the other problems I'm having... It's just too hard to go through on my own. I don't want to do something stupid and upset/lose the guy who loves me more than life itself. He's also responsible for my happiness (if I didn't have him to swap medication dosage with, I'd be in a suicidal depressive rut, or, as has happened, a state where I am extremely happy, can't sleep, have so much energy that I can't sit still, do reckless things like sleeping with people - I even managed to get myself hospitalised due to an incident where I managed to tear my insides during violent sexual activity and ended up losing so much blood that I had to have a 2 unit blood transfusion and surgery and stitches :/).

I just feel so lost so much of the time... I don't know what I want or what is just compulsions to do with my problems... :/

Kaz x

I'm so sorry. The only thing that helped with compulsions personally was to self talk myself through it alot, remove as much of the temptation trigger items as possible, and get DH to reinforce my original intention. I wish the waiting list was shorter for you!

We don't think you're a bad person. Or bad people.

Sometimes, people have fantasies. Now, acting out those fantasies in a negative, unhealthy way isn't good... is there a way to act them out in a healthy, safe way? Because from our experience, being safe and healthy about something is easier than trying to never do something. I saw writing in your post somewhere... writing is a good way to get thoughts and feelings out, too.

I hope you can figure something out. None of that seems terribly strange or "wrong" to us, save the wanting to break up with your boyfriend part, but I can see how it'd be difficult to deal with. Maybe someday you will figure out what exactly is going on. Until then, we wish you the best of luck!

Kaz, regarding your self-medication I think your therapist is most likely correct. If the medication itself were actually working, you would not need to be increasing the dosage.

Una+ wrote:Kaz, regarding your self-medication I think your therapist is most likely correct. If the medication itself were actually working, you would not need to be increasing the dosage.

Maybe she should have tried me on something else then instead of leaving me with an ineffective dose. I've been fine on 600mg since February though.

Kaz x