need some input-can't call T *long*

Hi everyone. I need some input on what anyone thinks about this because I've been really emotional all day long because I'm not understanding what happened. My T has been trying to get me to write more in my journal and for some reason or another I keep putting it off and am not sure why. Anyways, yesturday after I got off work I had a couple beers to unwind and I wrote a journal entry after a certain unknown trigger I had about my son.

Begin Entry:

Its strange, I really don't feel like writing but I'm going to anyway. I had a feeling, a thought rather. It was about Brandon and how when he's at Ashley's moms I don't miss him that much. She spends so much time worrying for him that's it's a nice break when he's away. He's a nice kid but sometimes I get so irritated when he's around. I know that this breaks her heart and he spends a lot of energy and time trying to push me away because she doesn't understand my feelings. You see, I don't have children so when he's here I feel like I'm babysitting. I was there a lot when Brandon was living her mother and she doesn't acknowledge me very much but here I am. She'll probably destroy this when she realizes what's been written. She doesn't like to have evidence around that she's tired, or that she's overwhelmed or that the thought of having a human being to rely upon her petrifies her. She thinks about him constantly and at times I will place little doubts in her mind about her love for him but I do it to make her concious of what she's getting herself into. There's one that doesn't allow me to speak, that keeps me hidden so that she doesn't kill herself in confusion but her guard is down right now so I'm taking advantage. She is watching this and thinks this is all made up, that its all pretend or that she's crazy.

End Entry

I'm not sure if I wrote this or what even though I was observing this the whole time my DP was reallly bad and I'm been overwhelmed all day. I want to rip this up and throw it away forever but am afraid to throw anything out that may be helpful in my healing. Any input? I really want to call my T but don't want to bother him on a weekend. Thanks in advance.

I'm not sure how to write to both of you - the one who wrote part of that passage, and Brandon's Mom. I hope that the one who wrote parts of it will hear even if it's Brandon's Mom who reads. I want to say to you that it sounds as though you are quite supportive of her - is that right? and also that it's been hard for you at times, when Brandon was living with his Mom, because he wasn't "your" child, and you felt like you were babysitting? Maybe you could try to communicate to her that it's ok to be tired, that being a mother can be exhausting, especially when you have a lot to cope with inside yourself - that takes energy. I want to say that to Brandon's Mom too - I don't know a mother who doesn't feel relieved at times when her child goes to spend time with someone else who takes care of him - your child is safe, and you can have a break from caring for him - and maybe that's when you feel just how tired you are! It's ok to be tired - it's ok to find it hard at times to care for your child - it's quite usual!

The one who doesn't let you speak - I wonder why not? Maybe that one doesn't even want me to write this. I don't want to make anyone feel unsafe. Could you ask her why it isn't ok to speak? Maybe in therapy? There are always good reasons - or there were good reasons once - but maybe they don't apply any more? Maybe that one doesn't realise that the situation has changed... and needs to hear it from one of you, or from the T.

I hope that some part of this might help. It's hard when you can't talk to your T. Could you write down what you would say to him if you could call? maybe even as a letter to him? then read it to him when you meet? Sometimes that can help.

Thank you for writing and sharing, Sara

The fist question that arose in my mind when reading is "How old is the alter that wrote the journal entry?" Second, Don't throw it away - it will be useful. It's normal with DID to have ALL sorts of conflicting thoughts and opinions. My journal is FULL of the most conflicting thins in the world. I fill up a journal about once every 3 weeks. It's intense. I often don't remember what I wrote, so I like to go back and identify what's happening and figure out who wrote it and what they are struggling with.
What is the alter/part that wrote this entry isn't an adult and they really are babysitting? I have a part like that - I have a 5 year old and boy can I get tired of her sometimes. When my Husband comes home at night I'm reading to LEAVE and collect my money.
I would recommend responding to this part on the next page. Thank the part for helping you with Brandon, and give reasons. The part that wrote the entry can respond when they are ready. Ask the part their name and age if you don't already know that info. Also, the one that doesn't let the part speak - hmmmm, ask about that part too. They ave a system going. It's key to figure it out.
I met one of my gaurds this week in her full glory and I understand so much more know. I don't quite know how to deal with her, but I'm getting such a clearer picture. It's helpful towards healing. Keep every shred of every journal entry. You will ALL need it someday.