A little down...feeling like nobody knows the real me

I've been hiding myself for quite sometime, and I lost who I really am.

But, including my parts, nobody really knows THE WHOLE me.

My fiance has met some of my alters, but he's a little freaked out by them. He doesn't know much about them. We don't really talk about it. We don't even talk about it in therapy.

I just feel like nobody knows the whole me.

I don't have much advice to give, but I wanted to extend a safe hug if wanted. I know how it feels to have no one who you really feel knows you, and it sucks.

If you want to PM me, I'm here. You aren't alone, I can promise you that.

w4rp3dh4l0 wrote:I've been hiding myself for quite sometime, and I lost who I really am.

But, including my parts, nobody really knows THE WHOLE me.

My fiance has met some of my alters, but he's a little freaked out by them. He doesn't know much about them. We don't really talk about it. We don't even talk about it in therapy.

I just feel like nobody knows the whole me.

I in no way want to take what you're feeling and push it aside, but if it will help...I don't believe "normal" people could say it any different. No one knows the whole anyone. I think we all desire to be fully known, but all remain a mystery to be discovered one little chip at a time. And I think that can be beautiful.

w4rp3dh4l0 wrote: We don't even talk about it in therapy.

How come?

What is going on? Are you hiding from it? Is the therapist? Is there too much other stuff to deal with?

Dealing with this stuff can be very hard and I think if you are in therapy you need to be able to be honest about all aspects of what is going on. Otherwise you are simply compartmentalising again.

I'm sorry you're feeling down and like no one knows you.

You can connect with us here. We can understand.

B

Therapy's pretty much a joke. I go in there and we talk about what happened since I saw her last. How I was feeling, how I reacted, what symptoms I was having....and she says, "That sounds like you were anxious" or other generic statements of the sort. We don't talk about any "real" issues in therapy.

Time for a new therapist...? : x

w4rp3dh4l0 wrote: We don't talk about any "real" issues in therapy.

Tunes14 wrote:Time for a new therapist...? : x

Yeah, that might be my suggestion as well. May I ask, how long have you been seeing this particular therapist? I was having a similar problem in therapy. I felt like my therapist didn't think I had any "serious" problems, and wouldn't dig deeper to try to find them. Finally, after 6 sessions, we were able to push through our fear and tell her that one of us had been feeling suicidal, and since then, the sessions have improved. I feel taken more seriously, and that one little share was a step forward in my ability to being able to share more uncomfortable things.
I (Suzumi) am the only one talking in therapy, and I repress the others, even when they are chomping at the bit to come out. Since I am unaware of a lot of specific feelings and memories, and they affect me more as a vague and unrealized sensation, I would leave the sessions feeling unaccomplished. We have started to be able to counter that by me dictating what the others are saying. It makes me feel detached from what they are saying, so that I don't have to take responsibility for it.
So, sometimes therapist-patient relationships just don't work out, I've certainly been to many T's. You can try to share something outside your comfort zone and see if that opens up new doors in your therapy sessions. But don't to anything that you are not ready to, and if this idea causes you anxiety, just know that it's perfectly okay to not be ready yet. Maybe you need a therapist who asks different questions?

w4rp3dh4l0 wrote:I've been hiding myself for quite sometime, and I lost who I really am.

But, including my parts, nobody really knows THE WHOLE me.

My fiance has met some of my alters, but he's a little freaked out by them. He doesn't know much about them. We don't really talk about it. We don't even talk about it in therapy.

I just feel like nobody knows the whole me.

*nods* I can certainly relate to this. I was only half myself through much of my childhood and early adolescence. I discovered that the other half had been repressed after a traumatic event triggered these parts to erupt. A few people in life over the years (4 total) have known about my DID. One person who knew, was abusive, so my systems protective behavior didn't give that person a necessarily realistic vision of them. And the other is my therapist, who has a lot to learn. And more importantly, I have a lot to learn about myself. I think this is one huge reason why it's so hard to express ourselves in a way that feels "real" because I have little ideas of who I am. I know much about my alters, but there are still gaping mysteries in each of them.

I would suggest a couple of things to perhaps alleviate this pain. One) see if you can get to know yourself/alters. I don't know if you have already been doing this, or what barriers may stand in your way, but what has worked for me and others, is journaling; giving the alters a safe, secret place to feel and say whatever they want or need to say, and also engaging in activities they enjoy. Each of us have different hobbies. The more you learn about what your alters like to do and "how they are", you will be taking steps towards expressing them in your daily life. For instance, Akihiko is the physically strongest of us all, and very connected to the body. When we perform manual labor, he fronts, and doesn't do a lot of talking, but handles the work so that others of us don't hurt ourselves.
Journaling may not be a perfect solution, if some alters don't like to write; but I guarantee there is some activity of some nature that pleases each of your alters.
Knowing myself helps take the edge off other people not knowing me. And the more I learn how each alter interacts in the world, the closer I get to having people know more sides of me.

The "self" and idea of "who you are" is very vague, subjective, and riddled with well, riddles. It's up to each of us, I feel, to decide at what point we feel satisfied in how well we "know ourselves" and understand that everyone will perceive us based on their own personal biases. But I also know as a DIDer, the way I relate in real life situations, is different than the way a singleton does, because I am not a whole personality, and they are, they do have access to their various characteristics, traits and talents all at the same time, and I do not. But that does not make me less talented or valuable in any sense. In fact, I imagine that years from now, when each of my parts lives a fulfilling part of my life as a whole, that I will know myself far more intricately than most singletons.

I've been seeing my therapist for a couple of months now.....once a week.

I'm having my fiance come to my next session to have a talk with my therapist. What are her goals to "fix" me? Where are we going with treatment? Those kinds of things.

Thanks for the reply guys.

w4rp3dh4l0 wrote:feeling like nobody knows the real me

I generally feel that way and there is only one of me! Gets complicated when there are more.

We're sorry you're going through a rough time.

It takes time to reveal the "real you" to ANYONE, in my experience. There's a reason we keep things guarded. There's a reason we trust people selectively. It's to try any keep not only me, but my whole system safe. And even with time and trust, we still rarely reveal the entirety of who we are... And it's lonely. But one thing that makes it better is spending time "inside" with everyone, and learning about myself and all of them. Knowing myself, and all of us knowing each other, helps a lot. It helps it feel that SOMEONE knows the real us, even if it's just... us.

Finding a new therapist sounds like a decent idea, but maybe if you open up a bit more and try to take that risk in trusting them, it'll get better?

Hang in there.