Not sure what I am looking for right now

I need to apologize to you guys. I come here and complain and ask questions, but can offer little advice or answers. I am about to do it again, you are the only people I have to talk to about this stuff.

So many thoughts right now I don't know where to begin. I know this is going to be long, so I am sorry. I was talking with my son last night (or a few nights ago, who knows) and we were discussing his childhood and my behavior. He said I use to be more......there are no words to describe his sounds and gestures, but I think the point he was trying to make was erratic. I use to have more frequent and stronger mood swings. A perfect example (*tw*)was when my husband had promised to take me to my farorite Italian reataurant and came home to say we were going to Pizza Hut instead. I got a crowbar and started trying to bash in the headlights on his car. (*end tw*) My son then went on to say that now I am LESS functional. I don't like to leave the house, I want to sit all day. I have no energy and try to conserve what little I do have. (This has admittedly gotten worse over the years) However, I have been working straight through for the last 7 years. I even managed to keep one job for 1.5 years with no meds! That's a big deal for me. I can now even control my moods, to a point. Although, my mood is usually flat, unemotional.

Lately, outside forces have been directing my attention to a time when I was young, skinny and could control men with the glance of an eye. I felt free then. At different times in my life I have wanted to be like that. Free. I have wanted to run away from everything I have and know. (I have actually done this a few times before) I have been feeling like this again. I don't know if it is a midlife crisis, a crazy crisis or a DID-like crisis.

I am also unsure of who I am right now. I mean, I know my name and stuff. I seem to have all of the same memories I had a week ago. I just sat there today, painfully aware of being in my body. Realizing I was IN my body if that makes sense. I don't think normal people think of being "in" their bodies, they just are. You are the only people I think could possibly understand this. Sometimes I don't even recognize turns I need to make on roads I travel all the time. The blood pressure in my head going "thud, thud, thud" is happening a lot more lately. I don't know if it is a health issue or a "crazy" issue. When it does this everything sounds strange, magnified. Like the fans when you walk in Walmarts doors, they are so loud when this happens. Even my dog barking seems to reverberate in my ears. Is this someone wanting to come out? Is it a health issue? Am I just nuts?

And it seems as if every time I get near my husband lately I accidenally hurt him. I sit on his keys in his pocket, stab him with a fingernail while trying to run my fingers through his hair, almost knock him over just trying to stand close to him.

Ok, I think I am done rambling. Thanks for listening.

First of all, I don't think anyone minds you asking questions. That's wht the support forum is for, is to answer questions, rant, discuss, anything. It's to help the peoplewho need omeone to talk to meet people who know,, generally, what they are going through. It's for support. And if you don't know what to answer for other people, that's ok too. Answer what you feel comfortable answering and don't worry about the rest. No one's keeping track. It's ok.

Congrats on gaining some control over the mood swings, and also on the accomplishments you've achieved in your work life. I can imagine it would be tough.

I cann't tell you what the source of the pulseing in your ears is, I don't know. Maybe someone else can help more with that. But I can say that I completely understand the feeling of being in the body, actually better than the feeling that the body is really connected. And questioning who you are isn't foreign to me either. I find myself doing so fairly reguarly. I know it can suck, especcially when your mind needs to be on something else.

And as for the accidents with your husband, I'd try not to dwell on it. I'm sure it's just bad timing. Things like that happen. I'm also sure he knows it's not intentional. I don't know about anyone else, but in my life, if I get too focused on something like that, it tends to happen more often. That may be because when I get stressed over it, I think less clearly, and am more prone to makin mistakes, or I happen to believe in the Law of Attraction, so I figure that's the cause. But either way, it's generally seemed to be best to just try not to focus on it too much and wait for the phase to pass. And as most things in life tend to do, things like that do always tend to pass.

Wow, I understand what you're going through I think. (**Trigger Warning**)My son has completely freaked out over what would otherwise be a minor disappointment or frustration. Not bashed in headlights, but I mean LOST it, threatening death or suicide and completely out of control..."She drank out of my lemonade and its got her germs in it now, I may as well kill myself, cuz its OVER NOW!!!! (begin open mouthed sobbing as loud as he can, followed by cursing). Yes, he is getting psychiatric help.(**End Trigger Warning**)
I also know what you mean about getting older. I'm 29, not old, however, I haven't had much go too easy for me. I'm not too worried about catching every guys attention, it still happens. I have so many issues that what hurts me is knowing I won't be able to keep a (healthy) man's interest. Not because I'm not deserving or worthy, but because I need to put so much focus on helping myself and my son that I've realized a good relationship just isn't going to happen until I get healthier myself.
I have been very depressed at times lately, and all throughout my life off and on, and I know exactly what you mean about feeling weak and tired after long bouts of laying in bed or just holing up away from the world. You can stretch and do light exercises to try to get your body warmed up to activity again. Brief walks, that you extend as youre ready. Short bike rides in a quiet place if you have a bike. Waking up to see the sunrise occasionally if you don't already. I'm not overweight still, but my muscle tone is as good as gone since I took a hiatus from the world and started hibernating in my apartment as much as possible. I've been doing the things I suggested above, and am slowly beginning to feel better physically. I had pretty bad lower back pain after spending a day at the beach after no real activity in a couple weeks. But it went away.
Hang in there. Im glad you have a husband to support you.