Inappropriate Attachments and DID

Hi, I'm a long time lurker but first time poster.

I have DID among other things, but I'm assuming it's the DID that's messing with my attachments.

I have/have had a very inappropriate attachment to a friend of mine. We aren't particularly close but I'm borderline obsessed with him. I only figured out the reason for the attachment the other day. A very important person left my life around the same time as I met this guy and they're similar people. The eyes are even the same. Anyway, it's inappropriate because I have a wonderful fiance who I love very much and would never cheat on, never ever. He's fantastic about it all though, he understands that I can't help it. I can't say it doesn't bother him though, which I feel very bad about.

Anyway, I wouldn't say I 'loved' this other guy or anything...I actually don't know what to call it but it's inappropriate for sure.

I knew he'd get a girlfriend eventually but he told me today that we were going to meet her when he was visiting next. Well, I've been rather self-destructive today. I'm dealing with this like a break-up. WHY? It's not fair on anyone. And I can't talk to my fiance about it, and I can't talk to the other guy about it, and the only other friend I have is dramatically younger than the rest of us and I don't want to burden her with this.

I feel like a horrible person for caring so much. I don't even know if 'çaring' is the right word. I just don't know.

Does anyone else have any inappropriate attachments? If so, how on earth do you deal with them? I really feel like I've just lost this important person from my life again. It's like he passed on, again. I don't want to upset my fiance so I have to pull myself together before he gets home.

Please help.

oneofme wrote:Hi, I'm a long time lurker but first time poster.

Hi!

oneofme wrote:I'm assuming it's the DID that's messing with my attachments.

Doesn't sound like it, actually. You have not said you have no idea what you see in this person, the feelings you have for him are not your feelings, etc. From what you have said, you are having a very normal singleton-type experience. You have a significant other and you are obsessed (infatuated?) with another person. You feel shame and guilt about these feelings. Well, I have good news for you. You are feeling shame and guilt because you believe you should have these feelings for only one person in your life, your SO. Or at least you should have them for only one person at a time. This belief is false. You can throw it out. We none of us can prevent ourselves for having such feelings for other people, multiple other people, except by becoming so reclusive that we do not encounter other people. It is okay to allow yourself to have these feelings without shame or guilt. What matters is what you do about your feelings. Talk about your fiance about what specific behaviors would be dealbreakers for him, and for you, and clarify where your personal boundaries lie.

oneofme wrote:A very important person left my life around the same time as I met this guy and they're similar people. The eyes are even the same.

So you are thinking there is an element of erotic transference going on here? That some of your feelings for your friend are actually feelings for someone else? That iss normal too, and not anything specific to DID.

oneofme wrote:I knew he'd get a girlfriend eventually but he told me today that we were going to meet her when he was visiting next. Well, I've been rather self-destructive today. I'm dealing with this like a break-up. WHY?

Someone you love has just told you he loves someone else. You fear abandonment, rejection. This is normal. It happens with platonic same sex friends, work partners, siblings, divorced or widowed parents who remarry, etc. It comes up when other people marry, join the military, get into a school or training program, get a new job, get pregnant. You are feeling jealous, maybe a little threatened or insecure? You worry that you will lose your friend if he becomes too busy with his girlfriend of if she doesn't like you? Definitely talk to your fiance about your feelings, and consider also talking to your friend if you think he is mature enough. Your fiance already knows about your feelings for your friend, so these new feelings won't be any surprise to him.

Hi, and Welcome!
Una+ gave some solid advise.

I know in my case, if I had an inappropriate attachment, mostly in regards to hooking up with "parental" figures, repeating the same/similar abuse, when I looked inside, I found a child part that was scared of rejection and abandonment. We talked about why we were looking for supplemental "parents" and how we could go about stopping that pattern.

I really recommend talking to a T if you don't already have one to explore the various reasons you find yourself in such a state of conflict and just help out overall.

Hi!

I can empathize with what you are going through. Unfortunately mine goes a little deeper. I get very attached to men...most men. I become very attracted....have never had a relationship in which I was faithful and had no remorse. (However I rarely carry any emotion...if that makes sense, scince I get so attached) As long as you aren't acting on these feelings and are honest about them I think you will be ok.

One thing I noticed that wasn't addressed yet was that you feel like this is like a break-up...But it does not seem like he is turning away, he is actually wanting everyone to meet - to welcome her...but not to lose the friends he already has because of her... that sounds like you may be able to stay friends...and I understand that you are really dealing with why does his life affect you so much when you know you are more attached to what he represents to you...but knowing that you aren't losing him while you process what you need to - I think, might help... Good luck tonite!