Preparing for Integration - Abuse Triggers

Is anyone else at this point? That they have not processed any trauma memories yet, but they are getting ready to do it?

I am getting ready to process the trauma memories so I am to make a list for my therapist at his request of course.
On this list:

1. All the names of the alters that were abused.
2. The ages they endured the abuse - for me the abuse occurred from at least 3 months old until I married at 16 years old.
3. The types of Abuse they endured which includes: Smothered, Drowning, Battered, Rape, Burned, Animals Killed because of me, Verbal abuse all by Father. By Mother: Locked up, Verbal Abuse, Threatened to be killed with a knife or cut and she buried Hope!

*I am finding that even system protectors were abused. I have just done level one - but all 54 alters on that level were abused! That does surprise me, but it helps me understand why these Alters are so full of fear. I am thinking that I might discover that all Alters were abused that were formed before the age of 16, but we will see.

This part is really interesting
*As long as I was making this list I requested that my most intelligent part - Glenda, tell me if each part is an ANP or EP. It's amazing how many ANP's I do have! I am getting to the point that I can tell too.

How do you know you are ready to integrate? What does integration mean to you? Also, congratulations on how far you have come. Despite the sadness I feel, I feel inspired by your resilience.

It's not me who decides - it would be my T. I had to get to where no system protectors would halt the process. This could actually make me regress - which I do not want!

Integration - As I have learned to understand it:

No one is just one part - even at birth - at this young age these are behavior states.

We all have various parts to the self. Healthy minds will have Ego States eventually. If a child is cared for in an appropriate way, then the parts of the Self finally integrate sometime during childhood.

If the child suffers the type of abuse that causes DID, then the parts of Self never do integrate.

Later -parts become more separated and even antagonistic - and even more parts can be created.

So - Integration IS - finally being able to bring all parts of the Self together that were meant to be together. This is done by processing trauma memories. Once these trauma obstacles are gone - the brain can heal and become like it was meant to be - it will do this naturally - the brain always strives to be healthy. Which, by the way, is still not one part. Remember that all people have ego states.

Integration means having all the talents and memories of the various parts. It means not leaving parts of ourselves isolated, hurting and well... traumatized! It means finally working together and being healthy.

One can of course live with DID and learn to manage life that way. Many people do choose to do this. Most of us have in fact lived this way our entire lives.

Thank you for that explanation! The term "integration" at this point still frightens us. Before we discovered our alters, they had been dormant, harboring emotions they didn't want some of us to see. Integration makes us think of going back to that state. But I suppose it is almost the opposite of that. I am so happy for you, that you are ready for this. *grins*

I still have some fear among the alters that integration means they will die, because that is a common mis-conception in the world of DID, but over the last year, I have had them read with me and learn that is not true. It has helped a lot!

Even with the re-organization my alters are doing there was some of this same fear, but the Alters that moved on - re-assured the others that what they were experiencing is a good thing.

I know how confusing it is to start learning all this stuff!

I have been heading in the direction of intergration for some time now. One of my parts Rori will be the first. Not sure when it will happen, but most likely before the end of the year. I was told by Gray that the steps are being taken to do this, and its taking quite a while because we have no therapist to help. Slowly but surely things are changing for me. I can feel it.

Can't you see a T at least for the trauma processing?

Not all areas have good Ts on hand.

Our area doesn't have T's for Trauma, I've been to several, and told I was out of their field of experience, go somewhere else, or no way could I ever had that trauma and was lying. There is a mental institution but it requires several weeks of inpatient only, I can't just take off like that.

I'm working on processing the memories as well, without a T, just help from here and my ISH, as well as various protectors.

I have a few memories that I started to re-assimilate, it really took a physical toll, I'm worried I barely begun though. How do you know you processed the memory properly?

Borg wrote:Not all areas have good Ts on hand.

Our area doesn't have T's for Trauma, I've been to several, and told I was out of their field of experience, go somewhere else, or no way could I ever had that trauma and was lying. There is a mental institution but it requires several weeks of inpatient only, I can't just take off like that.

I'm working on processing the memories as well, without a T, just help from here and my ISH, as well as various protectors.

I have a few memories that I started to re-assimilate, it really took a physical toll, I'm worried I barely begun though. How do you know you processed the memory properly?

I understand all too well, about how there are areas that don't have Ts that know how to deal with trauma and dissociation. That is the reason that I travel 2 hours each way to see my T. I do have the advantage of having worked with her previously, so I knew that it would be worth it, before I made the decision to invest that much time and energy. I also have to devote an entire day to it, so I wouldn't be able to do it with a full time job. Because of the drive back, I know that I have to take 45 minutes to an hour and 1/2 after the session in a trance state in the car, to continue processing what ever came up and to "get things put back together all the way." If the weather cooperates, I then also like to take a hike with my dog for about an hour, which helps me to ground further. But all of that means that it takes a good 8 hours to do the whole process, even if I don't add on other errands before the sessions, while I am in civilization! There have been times when I have not been able to ground properly after sessions, and we have had to go a few weeks only doing phone appointments. There was also a period of time when I was alternating in person and phone appointments, but I have found that for me the physical proximity of my T is an extremely important component when processing trauma, so I make every effort to do the appointments in her office. I don't even want for her to be sitting where she normally does! 6 feet away feels too far away some times, 2 or 3 feels much safer.

I think that your question about knowing whether the memory is processed properly is a very good one. I don't know the answer to that. One of the things that I do know is that sometimes when I am trying to deal with a memory that has come up, it can seem like my mind gets overwhelmed with trying to deal with it and I won't know whether what I seem to be remembering is "real" or an attempt by my mind to fill in the blanks in a manner that works with the emotions and/or sensations that I am experiencing. (My memories rarely involve visual components- they are primarily tactile, emotional, and to a lesser extent involve smells and sounds.) My T is very good at getting me to step back in those situations and not get carried away. Part of the problem with dealing with trauma memories, particularly from a young age when dissociation is your primary defense, is that memory just doesn't act the same way that it does for every day memories. So walking the line between finding the essential truth of the experience, so that I can heal, and believing that truth, while not automatically believing that everything that my mind comes up with is the literal truth has been a very difficult task for me. It isn't something that I could do on my own, and it is why I consider a very good T to be absolutely essential for the work that I am doing. I couldn't do it, if I thought that my T didn't believe me about my experience, but I also think that I could end up believing things that aren't actually true, if my T wasn't able to sense when things are spiraling out of control and help me to put on my brakes and step back for a bit.

Sorry, Tylas! I think that we just did a threadjacking away from your original topic.

You know, there is an item on your list of what happened that I seem to remember happening to me, but at the same time I just can't fully believe happened the way that I seem to remember.

*** Serious abuse trigger alert!! And questions about the way memory works that may trigger***

I seem to remember my abuser smothering me with a pillow until I passed out on multiple occasions and waking up to him abusing me. But if he had actually done that, he would have run the serious risk of going too far and actually killing me. As far I can tell, he was always very careful to never leave a visible mark on me so others wouldn't figure out what was going on, so I find myself questioning whether he would actually have done something that would have so risked exposure on his part. I do believe that if he had known that he could have done it without risk of exposure, he would have done it. At this point, I figure that I have to deal with this type of memory with the approach of "I'm not sure whether it literally happened this way or not, but something similar must have happened, and parts of me are convinced that it actually happened, so I have to work with them as if it actually happened." But it drives me a bit crazy, because it introduces that voice of doubt, which threatens to bring up the denial again.

I am just wondering how other people also deal with the doubts that the more extreme types of abuse bring up? It's hard, because even everyday memory isn't like a video recording- things get distorted all of the time and we don't even really worry about it. However, these are memories that are laid down at young ages of incidents that were way more than a child can have a hope of even beginning to process, so the chances of them being 100% distortion free are slim to none. I am working on finding a way to accept that I will never be 100% sure that everything that I seem to remember happened 100% the way that I seem to remember it happening, but the essential truth of my experience is indeed in those memories. The only way that I have to work my way free of the memories is to work with those memories and accept that my kids believe that those things happened in those ways. Thinking about it, I realize that I am quite certain that there are distortions in what I have remembered, but I have no way of identifying where the distortions are most of the time. The side of me that tends towards black and white thinking wants to be able to either accept all of the memories as presented or to reject all of them, but I do realize that neither of those extremes are appropriate for me. It is just very difficult for me to exist in that less certain in between place.

Tylas, you seem to me to be a person who enjoys looking at the subtleties of how all of this works. How are you dealing with this tension between believing yourself, but also being aware that memory isn't a video recorder?