**Triggers** Crisis time...maybe. :( :( :(

Triggers for self-destructive urges.


I thought I was finally safe again and then something happened and I found out, nope, still not. I can't explain it as it is very personal to do with a loved one and a medical condition they have that I hoped a recent adjustment had fixed. I'm devestated, ashamed, needing to lash out and the only way we ever learned to do that was internally. It's like it's our fault, because we should have known better that safety is never something we get to have, even if we are out of that past stuff. I texted T and what can he say, but "Sorry. " so that's what he said. I know he cares deeply and that helps, but it doesn't explain why I still don't get to be safe without making huge sacrifices. I hate this!

I'm feeling like a waste of atoms and I want to be gone. It feels like I'm up to my eyeballs in water, about to drown. Alternatively, I am numbing out and telling myself I am just exaggerating to get attention and that the violation doesn't really bother me at all. Both the SU and the accepting violation are coming from other parts, but they are writhing in anguish and I can't soothe them enough to get them to communicate. It's leaking into me and making me just want to be gone. I have a beautiful child and I can't afford the thoughts and ideas they keep pushing into my awareness. I'm home alone, but I have a dermatologist appointment for my rosacea in about 40 minutes and she is going to touch my face and the thought of being touched makes me me want to throw up right now. If not for my little girl, I would go to a hospital for a few days and be somewhere I know I am safe from both violation and myself, but instead I am just reaching out here and to T and hoping that these parts settle down. I was doing OK with it until I dropped her off at preschool and now that I have the luxury, I guess, I'm crumbling.

I wish that there was something that I could do other than to say that I, too, am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing...

You are right, you must resist the SU urges, both for your sake and for your daughter's. Even though it is hard to remember right now, you can make it through this. Your daughter needs for you to be around to one day be healthy and happy and to eventually hold her child in your arms. You can get there...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low and desperate.

I can relate as iv been in a poor place for weeks now.

I wish I could take it away. I really do.

But you can get through this shite time & come out the other side with a big grin cause no matter what gets thrown at you, you stand up with strength. For you, and your daughter.

Be gentle with yourself,

B

***Triggers - warped attitude regarding abuse?***

Thanks so much, you guys. I am doing better, as is the one whose job it is to deal with this sort of violation...well, the way she does better is to say it was wanted, invited, thus our faults, but at least I'm not "hearing" that from her right now. However, Poet is still really bad off. My daughter (miraculously, as she hasn't in two weeks) actually napped today, so I did too, which often makes Poet better. Being tired, which we are as a result of what happened, is one of her major triggers, due to all she had to take on in the FOO and being up very late with younger siblings, etc. Usually, when I wake up, she seems to be "sleeping," but she is still around and saying/showing self-destructive stuff. I'm at a loss how to make her feel better. She feels...very hopeless that things ever really change or get better, no matter how hard you work at it or how much others try to help you, so she is telling me that it is better to just be gone instead. She also thinks we're toxic to my daughter and that she'd grow up better without me, because no amount of our presence helped the siblings, they still got damaged and it's partly our fault for not being better. Ugh, I have to stop sharing it, because she's gone a bit wild with pain now and I can feel sensations of stuff she wants to do. Anyway, I wish I knew anything that would help, but any time she gets really bad, it the executive committee consensus seems to be she'd be best off in a hospital, although I can't imagine being away from my daughter for even a few days. I'd only do it if it were really life or death and though it sometimes feels that way, I have to imagine that since we've managed to wait through these things for over a year without any really scary incidents that we will be able to do so again. I just wish I knew how to tell when it gets to that breaking point, because I have lost ime to her or gotten pushed back to co-presence before.