"Why don't you just integrate?" RANT

I'm not sure why I'm even going to post this. Maybe I just want to get it out there. I'm not asking for advice or even that you read this. I just feel like typing it out would blow off some steam.

Boyfriend and I got into quite an argument last night, one that ended up exploding into a tornado of screamed insults. Telling him that I have DID was a big step with me--I, who have trust issues stemming from my childhood. And what does he do with this knowledge? First, he makes fun of it. Then he supports it. And then...

...he tells everybody about it. His friends. His sister. His mother.

But according to him, it's okay, because his mom has a degree in Psych, thus enabling her to immediately understand DID and all its complications. And besides, how is he supposed to cope with this? How oh how is he going to support me through all of my problems? He's so tired of people asking him about how I am and needs someone to talk to about my DID because it's wearing him down so much. Which, he says, completely justifies him telling his mother and sister and friends about my most personal secret. A secret that isn't his to tell.

"But it's not a secret," says boyfriend, "because it has to do with your well-being."

Oh, yes. So I'm going to go around telling everyone that I have DID, because it has to do with my well-being.

I wouldn't be so upset if he had just asked my permission first...if he had just consulted with me, told me he was finding this too hard to handle and wanted to talk to his mother about it...but he took it upon himself. If that wasn't enough, he had to add, "Why don't you just integrate so you can have your own mind and your life could finally have some sort of complacency?" First off, I think he's using the word "complacency" in the wrong context, but that doesn't matter...Also, my T agrees with me, and he had this to say about it: "She only agrees with you because she's looking out for you and has to make you feel better. That's why. Just so you know." Not because I have any validity about being upset with him, but because it's her job to agree with me.

He doesn't understand why I'm angry. He doesn't get why it's not okay to tell everyone about my DID and to order me to integrate because it's too much for him to deal with and I'm being selfish.

God...

*safe hugs if wanted* with a side of *punching bag to release the anger*

Thanks, I need the punching bag. -.- Also hugs.

Because it's that simple right? Why don't you just integrate ? Simple? Carefree? Tick? Done...

no..............

I'd be fuming too if my partner starting telling everybody about the DID. As you say its your thing to tell, not his thing to tell. He could say something is going on and he needs support but not specify what it is... he didn't need to tell it all!! .... *ranting with you*.....

How old is this boyfriend? He sounds very young.

Una+ wrote:How old is this boyfriend? He sounds very young

He's nineteen. Still a young'un.

This is a test. I have responded twice to this post but do not see my post.

Sotrsab wrote:This is a test. I have responded twice to this post but do not see my post.

Looks like it worked this time.

I saw that too, but, I wrote a heart-felt, emotionally draining response & felt that feeling-empty could benefit from my experience. When I didn't see my post, I pulled all my energies to re-write from memory as best I could. It really took a lot to do. I should have copied & pasted but I didn't think to. I might try it again for her benefit but after the 1st time I was so careful to do it right. I have to think that either a filter is in place & I used a word that was 'banned' or an alter interferred...? idk, I really would like her to get my message bc it is so supportive - I think.

Trying again for feeling-empty


(Possible )*****TRIGGERS ***TRIGGERS***TRIGGERS***TRIGGERS***TRIGGERS***

OMG! OMG! OMG! Just where do I begin?!!!! With the pastor who told my secret to the ENTIRE CONGREGATION the Sunday after my SO & I had a private counseling session with him?! I prepped Pastor with a 4 page pouring out of the heart because I TRUSTED HIM! I held nothing back. I gave it to him after the closing of a bible study class that he was teaching. We were to meet a day or two after. He thought it necessary to explain to the church that I was “Demon possessed”. He wrote a letter & Every adult in the congregation got a copy that told my ‘secret’ (that I have DID & am “Demonized”), & gave websites relating to both DID & spiritual warfare, & asked them to “pray for me”. I was mortified by this & I just cannot let go of the anger. I just cannot! I have never set foot in that church again.

Then my SO decided that he had to explain to our friends that I was DID. He wanted I guess to give an explanation of my behaviors – mostly my hiding out, not wanting to go to pool parties or other social events. He learned quickly that I disapproved of his telling my secrets but that didn’t stick for long.

When we moved to a different state & was getting our insurances set up, I heard him through a closed door tell our new insurance agent that I have DID. I could have strangled him I was sooo mad! MY secret to tell, not his! I ended up pounding on my laptop, the 1st of 4 that I have demolished.

Then, after it took me more than a year to get up the courage to meet with our new neighbors in our new state, who as it turns out are devoted Christians & enjoy a Bible-based Christian fellowship in each of their homes on a rotating basis, he tells my secrets to them.

In his defense, I will say that one of the ladies in the group has a Psych degree & asked me privately if I had DID, so my SO knows that it was I who originally spilled the beans…BUT…he then felt it his right to tell the group what goes on behind closed doors.

Anyone with DID knows what this means…the rages…the destruction…the whaling/screaming/crying fits that go on for endless hours that they don’t remember but their SO has to (sadly) endure & tells them about it later.

During one of my ‘fits’ my SO called a new member to our church group – shortly after MIDNIGHT !!! & asked her to come over & try to settle me down. I didn’t know her very well but apparently a little took a liking to her. She ended up spending the night against my wishes, even though I refused to open my bedroom door to visit with her.

I am only writing all of this to tell you that your relationship can heal from this. Your boyfriend MUST MUST MUST understand that he betrayed you. You have to have trust. No relationship works well without trust. It is YOUR story & YOUR privilege to tell it when you see fit…NOT HIS.

Sorry if this comes across too strong but I am so angry still about the pastor thing. You can heal, though, your relationship with your boyfriend. I took my SO into T with me and my T helped him to see that he did betray me. With our trust issues, that is not good. Your BF does need a release though. Idk if there is a forum for SOs of DIDs – there should be, but he will need to vent, he can’t hold everything inside & be a healthy, supportive partner for you.

Perhaps the 2 of you can find one confidant that you both trust…distant enough from the families for you to feel safe & for him to vent? Maybe have a joint T session? Just remember, no matter what, your healing comes 1st, every second of the day.

Please keep me updated on your progress. I really care very much about this issue.

((((Safe hugs))))…Sotrsab