Rules about Telling

I just wanted to post this as a FYI for others who are new to this like I am. I did not know that there may be rules...that one part may want to tell something but another may not want them to...and how to handle that. or *******possible trigger********* that there may have been some sort of programming from a perpetrator that makes 'telling' have bad consequences ************end trigger*********

One alter suggested telling 2 secrets...and we went to the T today thinking that was going to be good to uncover something....but she reigned us in... She said that we have to be careful that the system knows when and how and who will be telling something (that we also don't talk about everything in front of the little ones right off the bat). She said we need to make sure we establish the rules of telling...so that everyone knows that they are the New rules...and that they trump any 'old' rules.

I left feeling like I had just avoided a landmine. I don't know if everyone feels this way or are careful this way...but it seemed important to share. A blunder a non-DID might make while trying to help that really could backfire and compromise a delicate balance of things.

Also found out - when the (host/main outsider) says 'everyone is ok with that'...it's best to maybe ask one of the protectors if they feel that way too. His protector was quite upset I wasn't smart enough to know better than to "trust (my son's) assumption of things" and to do something/talk about something without asking his (protector's) permission first....as he put it "It's really a matter of manners...no one said he could speak for all of us." Good point...

yes, it is important to establish/keep the trust within the system. For me, I realize instability sets in when as a collective we do not trust each other. And sometimes, with different parts with different opinions/ideals/goals rules are the only way to facilitate communication and establish trust.

-- Tue May 01, 2012 8:10 am --

LOL when I read this back I realize we need a rule/plan re: therapy and quitting......

Thanks for helping me work that bit out......

When "if you tell ___, ____ will happen," comes up in our system, we deal with the fears first. I'm going to make one up just to keep from triggering with a real one. If someone spills a drink on you and then tells you that if anyone finds out, the sun will fall out of the sky and kill everyone (lol at the example) then you hide what happened. You can't tell that someone spilled water on your shirt. You would be killing the whole world. When you want to tell and those fears come up, deal with the fears first. You have work around it logically. Once you convince everyone in the system that the sun is going to stay where it is, and if the sun does fall out of the sky ever, it won't be your fault. You don't control the sun.

By taking away the threat, you minimize the fear of telling. When the secret does come out, I kinda hold my breath waiting for the sun to fall. It doesn't fall. Everyone is safe. They were wrong. The threat isn't real. They lied to us!

From there each secret gets a little easier to share. The fears of telling have to be overcome first for us, then once we are 95% sure that it won't happen, then it can be released.

With us, sometimes it is just one that holds that memory. We work with that one to release the fear of telling. We tell her that we will protect everyone if something bad does happen. That we will keep her safe. Then once she is ready, she lets the secret go. If it is a system memory things get more complicated. System memories are highly guarded and take a long time to get set free.

I'm allowed to tell people who won't immediately affect our current living situation, and only if it isn't face-to-face. So, I can tell my online friends that I don't meet face-to-face, and I can tell random stranger online... but I can't tell my boyfriend who lives here with us, and I can't tell a therapist. Yet. Working on the therapist part, but two of our girls are terrified of it (the one who remembers everything and went through the abuse, and the one who helps us forget) and honestly so am I, so it will be some time. It's not even about fears, it's about the fact that we are still living with our abuser and it's not practical to let it out until we're away from this place.

It's something we've all agreed to, and I think it is very important for everyone to have a clear set of rules... about telling, or otherwise. One system member should never be able to speak for everyone, unless that is what everyone has decided.