Transfusion or momentary union..progress toward integration?

Today, after a Skype session with T, Little Yaku felt left out because she didn't get to talk to him. It's too scary to do on the phone and computer, because if hard stuff comes up, he is not directly there to comfort them. So, I passed along that information and translated a message from her that she missed him. He texted back smileys and that he misses her too. I got the text when we were half-asleep (Boo was still napping...I put her down to nap right before my session), so I was napping too. I tend to be more integrated (or the walls are much lower or weaker or permeable), I think, in my sleep. My memory is much clearer and I often dream of being other parts with no sense of conflict or not-me-ness at all until I wake.

Anyway, I vaguely remember seeing the text and falling back asleep, but wasn't sure if I dreamed it. When I woke up again and looked at it, I was suddenly flooded by...not the usual vague sense of LY missing and loving and being attached to T along with her saying in my head, "I miss him!" or something like that, but instead, I was feeling what it was like for her to miss and love him. It still felt like not-mine in a way, but almost like a deep empathy. It's not that I don't like T or care about him or respect/admire him or any of that...just, I do not have the deep attachment LY does. In fact, Observer has said that my unwillingness to form those sort of attachments (my phobia of them) will be a real obstacle in our future work.

Anyway, as I was feeling this, "Oh, so this is what it is like for this five-year-old girl inside me to love T and miss him and feel like he is her best, safest person, who she always wants to be with," it suddenly occured to me, "Holy crap, these are my feelings." I mean, they are hers, but there was this sense that we belong to one another and so those feelings/thoughts/memories we're exchanging are all essential parts of a future "me" that we'll all belong to if/when we integrate. The more I thought about it, "These are my feelings," and thought about trying to tell T, in the first person, in my own voice, not having L say how she feels, but saying how her feeling was making me feel, "I love you and I miss you when you're not around," I started to panic, having avoidant reactions from other parts (like my tomboy who runs away) and then I disconnected from LY abruptly (in the midst of another text to T to explain the sudden connectedness). I told him feels safe if those feelings are in a disavowed five-year-old, who I am capable of seeing as loveable, of allowing to be loved, because of her not-me-ness. It doesn't feel safe if I am the one attaching. But, for a moment, I really knew what it was like for LY to feel that way.

It's not quite the same as those being my feelings. Not an integration really. Not like blending I've experienced before either. Like a sort of temporary transfusion. Then, her attachment seeking overrode my phobia/avoidance momentarily. But, it's not the same as the past. I have told T about these feelings for months, and even though I always acknowledged them as "mine" in the way that they are inside me, it was always just that I knew cognitively those thoughts and feelings lived inside my head, despite my feeling so disconnected from them that I hated them at times. It was like knowing they were mine without the conflict of feeling they were incompatible with me. Does that make sense? This is something in between the fuller dissociation I usually experience and integration, but I don't know what to call it. For those who are further along in the journey, is this progress? Is this a normal development?

When I think of integrating with LY, it panics me. I'm not ready for her to go. She's not ready either. She takes care of one of the toddlers and she has such a valuable, pure, strong inside presence, even though she is one of the youngest and shares with one other part the largest amount of trauma. She's also recently become closely connected with other parts in her age group and the four of them are less alone inside. She is the bravest of all of them, despite being the littlest, and they kind of need her to lead the way. So, it would be too hard for all of us if she went first. I don't know why I'm rambling. Can anyone share a similar experience?

Yakusoku, from your description I would say you have been experiencing made emotions before and now you have experienced a brief blending. Yes, this is a step toward integration. One big difference between these two experiences is that made emotions seem to be one-way, from the insider to you, but blending is two-way.

With made emotions (and thoughts and behaviors too) the insider projects and you receive, and while you experience the full emotion you are in some way detached from it and aware of this detachment. You stand a little apart from the emotion, as an observer. The insider meanwhile does not experience your emotions, and sometimes the insider is not even aware you exist. This is the characteristic "not me" experience of DID and DDNOS-1.

In contrast, with blending that detachment is absent and the sharing is two-way. This means your insider has a radical new experience of her own emotions: she shares your experience of her emotions, and your experience is colored by your own unique wisdom and maturity and different identity and objective distance. This experience awakens your insider, brings her closer to reality, and often changes her.

I used to fear what might happen if (when) my Alter 5 integrates with me and I experience being madly in love with the man she loves and indifferent toward my husband. But now I know Alter 5 is changing, growing, maturing rapidly, and I believe that together we will be healthy. So will you.

Now that I think of it, I recall my therapist saying she thought some of my difficulties were due to uncontrolled flooding and sometimes also blending that I was unaware of, and that it would be helpful for us to learn to keep ourselves a bit more separate, especially to reduce the blending. The idea behind that strategy was that separating us would help us each to work with our individual problems rather than mistaking each other's problems for our own. After doing that, then would it be a good time to blend at times on the way to integration.

This thread topic is subtle but so very important.

Thanks so much, Una, for all your input. I hope to write more later, but am having a hard time today, after something triggering happened at church. I did want to let you know that I read your comments and found them really helpful! The last bit about separating our stuff and working on it individually is really interesting, because it feels like we did that by instinct once I started to become more aware of dissociation and my parts. There was more mixing between me and them initially (though not between one another as has also been happening lately) than has been happening for the last several months until just these last few weeks. It was almost like I needed that time of well-defined separation to really get to know who they all were in order for the executive team to figure out how all of us could be helped and what sort of conflicts might arise. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm having a fuzzy day, so I really will have to come back to this later.

I am not surprised that you are triggered. In this thread you are describing a state that, for me, involves high sensitivity, even reactivity. No worries, no hurry.

Una -

***TRIGGERS - sexually/abuse references content***

It just so happened that my pastor was tracing all sorts of big sins to original sin and he happened to reference rape, child abuse and ...I felt like I was going to start having body memories, dissociated and hid in the bathroom for a bit. I was sitting in the front row and dude kind of knows what we are dealing with, so I don't know why he would ues those as his examples. Later in the sermon, he made a similar connection, but kept it to war and other horrific stuff that was more global, less personal.

Right before that, an older married guy who is inappropriate with pretty much everybody universally, decided during a greeting hug (he is very huggy and I have poor boundaries and usually put up with people hugging me even though there are very few people I feel close enough to to feel safe hugging) to tell me that I had "really hot legs." So, then we went into this whole place about how it's our fault for wearing shorts to church and drawing attention to ourself and there is something bad and wrong about us that makes other people be inappropriate and violate us. This came up in therapy Friday too, not about how we dress (which is decently modest), but about how more than one different guy seems to have singled us out as someone to abuse and feeling like we make them be bad.

***End Triggers***

So, that's what the triggers were and while I am more sensitive, I think that stuff would have triggered me no matter what, except maybe a couple of years ago when I was so dissociated that I would have just blanked it out or at least numbed or the others were so deep they wouldn't have heard parts of what was said.

yakusoku wrote:Right before that, an older married guy who is inappropriate with pretty much everybody universally, decided during a greeting hug to tell me that I had "really hot legs."

Ew. Just ew. Honey, he is the one who has poor boundaries. Put him on your no hug list. Can you think of three things you can do to avoid any more physical contact from this yucky person?

Una, thanks for the continued support.

I know this is my MO, making excuses for abusive people, but he is otherwise a reall nice, sweet guy who if I am only conversing with about other things (like my singing, which he enjoys) can be very pleasant and supportive. It's like he just has no filter and says inappropriate things without even thinking about them being inappropriate. He does it with both men and women. So, I think if I told him outright that I have stuff in my past that makes the hugging and some of his comments scary and painful to me, he would probably make a full effort to stop (though I'm not sure how capable he is). I also feel like it would be really hurtful to him and of course I'd rather continue to be hurt than to hurt him. Today, I told him, "Umm...say that to him (pointing to my H) instead of me." That is about the most confrontational I've been able to get and I was actually impressed with myself for it. Complimenting somebody that their wife is pretty is way less creepy than complimenting a woman in that way, because it comes off as hitting on her. But I don't think he is, because he is obviously madly in love with his wife (like they always sit together, hold hands, he puts his arm around her, compliments her directly or to otheres all the time). It was just so super triggering to me.

The other things I could do is just keep an eye on him during the "welcome" time and stay on the other side of the room from him. It might look a bit awkward though, like playing a game of tag or something. I am one of the people he likes to greet the most, because he really likes the way I sing and when I play the drums...in general, he likes to talk to the musicians and vocalists, so it's not just me. In pleasanter conversations we've had, he knows that things "aren't easy" right now (that's about the depth I get with most people and it was only in a conversation about abhoring fake smiling that another vocalist was asking me to do). So, I think I could have my H talk to him and try to explain in general that I have some bad past stuff that makes his flirtiness scary and painful. I think it would probably be easier coming from another guy, who understands what it's like to "notice" women and appreciate them and put his foot in his mouth and such, than from the person who is being hurt. I just feel like that is such a chicken way of dealing with it.

I have this obsessive thing where I feel like confronting others is me hurting them, is me being an abuser. My own feelings and needs were so threatening to my caregivers and others in my family that it feels like standing up for them is heaping some great injustice on the world and the individual in question. H and T are about the only two individuals on the face of the planet I can do it with and I still freak out and try to retract afterward. I have done it with my mom a couple of times, but I have to let CT handle that and am in a state of anxiety waiting for repercussions for weeks after. Luckily, since I have not allowed myself once since leaving her home my senior year of high school to really need her for anything at all (not rely on her financially or in any way...except for one Summer in college I made the mistake of staying there rather than finding somewhere else), she really has no way to control or manipulate or attack me anymore. She seems to have calmed down too, but even if she had the inclination to hurt me, all she can do is say spiteful things to me and all I have to do is not answer my phone or read my texts and have H delete them for me. Anyway, all this is to say I have an elaborate way of avoiding having conflict or confrontation with anyone, because it feels life threatening to me and if I am not feeling like the other person is going to destroy me, I am getting dangerous inside feelings of needing to do it to myself...

Sigh.

Yakusoku, I would explain nothing more than you have decided you do not like this church person's hugs and you especially do not like his personal remarks during the hugs, so from now on they are not welcome. Many people would not explain, simply physically prevent further hugs. Step away and say no thank you or just no. You have a right to have boundaries, and to defend them from violation by others. You have an obligation to yourself to not violate your own boundaries.