Not sure where to put this...*may trigger*

So my DH has been in T about to supposedly work on himself, and shame he feels. His T, said that I'm borderline, it seems now, whenever we get into an argument, he says that his T, armchair diagnosed me as borderline and says we should divorce.

I've told him I have issues with abandonment, what triggers it, how to make it better, or what steps he could make that would help build trust, such as letting me speak, not screaming at me, staying and talking rather than running out of the house, disappearing for odd hours, or walking around me as if I don't exist(no eye contact, looking through me, etc.).

I also told him how I feel deeply betrayed over his actions over several years, like calling my mom, confiding in her, then getting her to call me and scream at me for being a bad wife. Using me as a sheild to his mom, who is very critical, rouge, and rude. It rolls off my back. However, I refuse to tolerate this behaviour any longer. I try to explain it in terms he will understand, so I told him what he did is akin to a spouse cheating, there is a broken trust that needs to be repaired to heal the relationship. He told his T, who said that what I said confirms her suspicion of BPD, so today, he slams her diagnosis in my face again.

I feel if I show ANY emotion, such as hurt, pain, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. I get slammed. It's okay to love him, adore, be happy or laugh, that's it. I'm trying to allow my emotional parts a voice, but it's destroying my marriage. I'm trying to be emotionally healthy, but the only place I feel safe to express myself is here.

I try to open up emotionally, show him my "vulnerable side" and he screams at me, literally. I try to "talk him down" and rationalize with him, which may or maynot work. I feel pulled to him, when I try to break away from the abuse. At times, I think that feeling is love, or a result of trauma/abuse but not sure.

I think my child parts are just really hurt, and don't want to be abandoned by the last person in my life. I can handle it, but it's really hard on the inside, causing quite the internal conflict. I'm trying to be strong, but still feel odd inside, like a pull. I've told him that I've felt his behaviour is abusive, but he says his T told him it's not, and that what is wrong is that I'm BPD.
What do ya'll say?

Borg wrote:I've told him that I've felt his behaviour is abusive, but he says his T told him it's not, and that what is wrong is that I'm BPD.
What do ya'll say?

Of course he says that. He's not going to turn around and say: "yes my behaviour is out of line". Blinking ridiculous if you ask me. What is the point in him going to therapy if they are going to spend their time diagnosing YOU?! He is supposed to be looking at his own behaviour, not yours. ARGH. This has made me truly angry and that is hard to do on support forums where usually I feel a complete disconnect. He is using his T as some power figure to slam you down (as you say) and shrink you into submission. Out of f*cking line. Sorry.

Oh, and of course, there is every chance his therapist ISN'T saying that but he's just using it as some tool over you. How horribly manipulative either way. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Borg, I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through all this.
I dunno, this isn't probably very constructive, but he seems unfair and manipulative, and especially since he is using his T and your mother to deny your point of view. One might ask if he is gaslighting you.

You said you feel this pull back to him, it could be partly because of you fear of abandonment but there's more to it. Do you pity him at times?

If I know anything of guys like this, they will do anything to keep up the illusion of their own innocence and sanity. They won't admit their mistakes and they won't apologise.

Thanks for your support.

Yeah, I don't know if that is what the T is doing, he's here now, trying to tell me "secrets" the T supposedly made him make. I think he's just trying to create a false bond after slamming me a little bit ago. I don't understand why he didn't tell me those "secrets" at the time, rather than "save" those secret to tell me when I kick him out. He likes to do this opposite thing, where I say go, he stays, I say don't say sorry, so he says sorry. I usually use it to my advantage so that I can hear what I want to hear, but now I'm giving him the reigns and not so pleased.

Anyway, all the emotional ones got scared and went deep inside, I can barely feel them right now. It was odd, like a mad rush, going deep inside. Hopefully, I can get things to the point where they are comfortable again.

I'm not sure if it's gaslighting as he likes to use confusion, victimhood, and stupidity as a defense mechanism. Maybe it is pity. I try to give allowances in people, according to my own trauma. Like I know that my past causes a particular shift in perception, so I try to adjust my focus based on it. I'm starting to be less tolerant of particular behavioral patterns, demanding consistent positive results/actions, and enforcing consequences, so more conflict is arising. I do understand my family situation is rather tough, tried to accommodate his naivety and take it in consideration in regards to his behavior. However, this is not acceptable on a long term basis.

I thought maybe if I gave him time to grow up, we married young, boys are 'supposed' to take longer to mature, and now that we have reached(and passed) my magical number of "adulthood" I've been telling him for a while, time is running out.

I appreciate you support. I'll figure something out that'll work. No biggie. Right now he's lying on the floor. He's like a child. I'm rather annoyed right now.