Thoughts

I'm just going on a little ramble here because I need to talk to someone who understands.

Today, I go meet with my possibly new therapist. I'm a little nervous because I think it's a male. I have no idea how comefortable I will be talking to a male psycologist. I've had one before, and he creeped me out because as he would talk, he'd do this thing with his finger where he waved it back and forth into patterns and it would make me want to switch. It bugged me that he had that control over me, and at that time (and a little bit now) I was scared to switch because I felt like I was out of control.

My "old" therapist said I need to learn to trust my alters as they've been doing a good job keeping me safe for this long, they will continue to do it. It's a little hard for me to let go of these feelings of control, but I know it has to be done because I can't spend all my energy fighting these things. I should just let it happen.

Anyway, my fiance doesn't really understand the diagnosis. He thinks that by willpower I'll be able to control myself and my alters and my problems. I don't think I can.

I can't talk to his mom about it because it's a little out of her league and she's a bit of a gossip so I've got to be careful of what I tell her.

I've been working on a timeline of the events of my life, and it's been slow going. I keep having flashbacks, or get really worked up and have to stop. Sometimes, I "hear" things that have happened to me, but I don't know if they're real or not. Sometimes though, I'll see glimpses of the event and I know it's got to be true.

I also want to work on a system map but I'm at a loss to even start. I don't know my system well enough and one of my alters "Jo" has been helping me do it, but it's never the same diagram twice. She'll remember all the people, but where and when they split will change as if she doesn't really know and is just taking a guess.

I've been loosing a lot of time here recently, which is very scarry to me. But, I've been managing to keep the house realitively clean, and do chores, take care of my kids, take my meds, go to my appointments, ect. They've been doing a good job keeping myself in order. Even my future mother in law has commented on how "well" I'm doing. But, I'm not aware of the things I am doing. I don't know which one of my alters has been on the ball so to speak, but they've been doing everything I would like them to do in a day so I guess I can't really complain.

I'm frusterated already with therapy. I know it's going to take a long time for me to heal, and I want results now. I know there's no way I'll be better in two weeks or so, but I might show progress but that's not good enough for me. I need to learn to take it slow and quit pushing myself to get this taken care of. It didn't take two weeks for me to develop this problem, it's going to take more than two weeks to fix it.

I'm still a little scared to switch. I'm really scared I'm going to do it around family. I don't know why though because it's not like they even notice. (Most of the time.) So I should really learn to accept the fact that I'm a multiple and things are going to slip through the cracks. I hope that makes since.

So far, I've been lucky, and my alters have been cooperating with me fairly well. I asked them to write in my journal with me and I've filled up a 5 subject notebook half full with writing in less than a week and a half. I guess they've had a lot to say. Nothing they write is about them, it's just their thoughts they're writing. I need to get them to open up to me a little bit and tell me what they're there for and how to help them and what they do for my system, ect.

I feel a little alone in this, so I'm glad I'm apart of this forum, because you guys all go through this too. It makes me feel a little less out of my mind to know that I'm not the only one struggiling with these issues.

I am right there with you, w4rp3dh4l0. I understand complete where you are at bc I feel I'm am at the very same place.

I like what your "old" T said about trusting your alters bc they have taken care of you so far. I have just started to change my resistant behavior to the whole DID dx recently & I have found that trusting & befriending my alts is lessening my resistance & fear about the unknown as I move forward in my healing journey. Seems to help also knowing that if I make friends on the inside instead of tryining to keep them hidden & deny that they exist, then I have support internally & I'm not going through it alone.

I would encourage your fiance to become educated on DID so that he can truly & completely support you during times of crisis. There are many informative vids/blogs/books but I knew my hubby didn't have the time or, quite frankly the interest to weed through so much info so I did it for him in the beginning. He is now totally invested in my healing process because he understands completely. And, I'm not so afraid to share with him stuff bc I know he does understand.

As far as flashbacks go, I am learning that whether visual, visceral or auditory, they come in snippets for our own protection. If we could handle it all at once, we wouldn't be DID. Most of my snippets are visual & I wonder from time to time if I am 'making it all up' bc I don't have the feeling part to 'make it real'. My T assures me that part will come when I'm ready to handle it & then I'll know.

Re: mapping the system - I've done this three times & they all are different, which my T says is normal & expected. 1st, I asked for help from the inside even tho I had no clue at the time who was there or even if anyone was there (denial ruled). My artisic abilities are that of a kindergartener (stick men) , & this mapping was no Rockwell but it was clearly not something I did, nor do I remember drawing it, but there was my system of 9 or 11, I don't really reacall. The 2nd & 3rd attempts were just circles on a paper & I put everyone's name in a circle. Some overlapped, some were larger than others, some were connected w/ solid lines, some dotted, some not connected at all. You could use colors too. 2nd attempt has a greater number of alts than the 3rd. I like the idea that some on this forum are using. They write the name down & then their attributes. I'm going to try this next. Good luck w/ your attempts.

You wrote, "I'm frusterated already with therapy. I know it's going to take a long time for me to heal, and I want results now. " No offense, but OMGosh, could I write a book on this very frustration!!! I think I would call it AAAHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!!

Chin up...I wish you patience & peace throughout your journey.

Sotrsab wrote:
As far as flashbacks go, I am learning that whether visual, visceral or auditory, they come in snippets for our own protection. If we could handle it all at once, we wouldn't be DID. Most of my snippets are visual & I wonder from time to time if I am 'making it all up' bc I don't have the feeling part to 'make it real'. My T assures me that part will come when I'm ready to handle it & then I'll know.

I completely agree about the snippets thing and that is the only thing that I could tolerate for years. I have to smile though, because mine were almost entirely sensation based with almost nothing being visual. I found that incredibly confusing and I said, "If only I could see what happened, then I could believe what I seem to be getting!" I guess that the point is that we get it in little doses, because we just aren't ready for it to be fully real.

Good luck with the new T, w4rp3dh4l0!

Hope it goes okay with the new therapist, let us know how it goes! I specifically wanted a male therapist this time round because all my previous ones have been female (replacement mother figure) and this time round I needed to work on the father figure side of things so...

It sounds like your system is being really helpful with a.) helping you get those little things done around the house (I fail at all this at the moment big time) and b.) feeding you little bits of memories at a time and helping you to figure out all the stuff that is going on presently. The fact they are willing to journal so much will be a huge benefit I think in allowing everyone time to express as and when they need to so that no one feels bottled up which can lead to a lot of discomfort I have learned.

Well, my new therapist is a female....which I thought it was a male. That makes me feel a little better because I don't know how I'd handle a male therapist. But, unlike I'd thought, she has no experience with DID but she said she's willing to read up on it and handle my case. At this point I'm ready to give it a try. I really like my old therapist, but to be honest, I can't see her as often as I need to and the company she works for is pathetic. They don't even know what meds I'm on and their helpline never calls you back when you're in an emergency.

So, there's someone there 24/7 in my new place, which is a huge plus for me. So, I guess I'm going to go full force with this.

One of my alters was there durig the process helping me answer the questions in the packet she read from. I think we confused her a little bit because I was remembering things in glimpses and I know I was switching a lot. She gave me a couple weird looks but I guess she'll get used to me, or maybe it was just my immagination.