Worries that telling will harm my T

One thing that I struggle with is that if I tell my T what happened, it will somehow be dangerous/harmful to her. It is as if what happened is so bad, simply hearing what happened will damage the listener. Does anyone else deal with this?

When I started dealing with this chunk of memories, I told her that I was afraid of this and she reassured me that she knows how to take care of herself and that she won't be harmed. Most of the time I believe her, but sometimes I still worry that sometime I might tell her something that is just too much, and she will need to get away from me in order to protect herself.

The best way for me to relate is I have one part who thinks she is literally toxic and will ruin everything, just by being in contact with T, talking to him, shaking his hand, sitting next to him, will infect and kill him. That is how awful we are and that's why so much bad happened, because we make people turn bad or something. Actually, more than one part thinks this, but one in particular feels like getting to know anything about her at all will be damaging to other people.

It's not exactly what you are saying, because you have a very specific worry. It sounds kind of like you are worried about causing vicarious trauma, which I have heard of...but Ts are trained in good self-care and should have either some sort of supervision or their own Ts to work through any stuff that gets triggered or stirred up for them, so that they can keep their own stuff out of the room and be fully "there" for their clients. Thus far, we have never traumatized our T. At worst, he has felt angry at our caregivers, but even then, it is something he is just self-reflective about and wonders if it perhaps got in the way of us processing our own feelings, because his feelings about how they hurt us entered the room in a particular session.

The Cat's Meow wrote:It is as if what happened is so bad, simply hearing what happened will damage the listener. Does anyone else deal with this?

Yes. Although the particulars vary, this is a very common anxiety. It comes from our families treating our trauma as unmentionable, intolerable, unspeakable. It is all part of denial.

The Cat's Meow wrote:I still worry that sometime I might tell her something that is just too much, and she will need to get away from me in order to protect herself.

So discuss this with her. Ask her: If she needs to get away from you, will she do that? How will she do that? And when will she come back?

You can also help her to protect herself by how you begin a new disclosure. Instead of launching directly into your story, you could begin by saying that now you feel ready to tell her about a certain kind of experience. A molestation, a maiming, an accident, a near death experience, whatever. This gives her a moment to prepare herself.

Triggering will happen, and that is okay. There is no way for you to know in advance what part of your story could trigger someone else, even if you know the details of their own history. With my first therapist, certain details of my story that were most difficult for me did not faze him at all, but then one day some minor trauma that I disclosed caused him to leave the room very suddenly. He came back about 10 minutes later. For me the trauma was minor and isolated, but perhaps for him it was a reminder of trauma in his own life that was neither minor nor isolated. Recall how on this DID Forum now and then someone will mention they are being triggered by a detail someone else has posted. And yet this does not mean stop posting.

I can relate. Worries of this sort have grown ever since my last session with my T.

TRIGGER WARNING

I showed her an entry in my journal where I was basically ranting and raging about pretty much anything that could be raged about. From how much I hate my roommates, to how much I hate my mom and writing about how she used to pin my little brothers to the floor and "cast out demons." This I had never told her about. I am not sure if it is what caused the problem, but she said she was "overwhelmed" by everything I had written, because it was all so important. It ended up being an awful session where in my opinion she seemed to be fairly emotionally distant to basically everything I was saying/doing, even though I was crying/on the verge of tears the whole time. I don't know if this was my T being triggered or an off day or what, but now I'm scared to death that I will "overwhelm" her. I don't want her to become so observational again...would rather hear empathy as opposed to what sounds like a lab technician analyzing an amoeba.

End TRIGGER

I think the other's advice was really good, as I don't have any of my own to give, just wanted to remind you there is another with the same worries. Safe hugs***

Thank you! This has been a H**l of a week, so I decided to e-mail her and give her a heads up that I am likely to fall apart as soon as the session starts because 3 significant memories have emerged over the last couple of days. Giving her some warning, so she can be prepared to brace herself, does seem wise.

I think that this worry just comes up every time I have something major about to emerge. My T has always been able to handle everything that I have thrown at her and I think that is unlikely to change. At one point I talked about this fear and the fear that I will tell about a memory that she would judge me about. Her response was that she can't imagine anything that would cause her to do that, and she has enough experience in the area that it isn't that she has a lack of imagination of what I might tell her. So far, she has come through for me, and I am feeling better now about relying on her ability to continue to come through for me.