What am I? *Category Triggers

Continued from this thread, but going in a different direction.
dissociative-identity/topic85430.html

I was not aware - awake - conscious - until November 2012.

What I am Not
I am not an Alter - I have no body like the others. I am not an ANP - not a stress-adaptation. I am not an EP - I hold no trauma memories. There is certainly no such thing as an original personality - that is something that is built up over time and contains many parts - so I am not this.

What am I
I do know that I am the part that the rest of the system feels it needs to protect. I am the part that was denied awareness as other parts protected me from harm.

Lack of awareness due to consciousness'
This part of me that answers to my given name was not aware/conscious prior to November of 2012. I, Tylas, am the consciousness that emerged into the present, in a well-grounded way, because it is now possible. This is likely due to a strong, recently emergent, sense of present safety. So my lack of awareness until November 2012 would be due to consciousness'- a level of consciousness.

Is Self what I will be when all parts of me come together?
So, if I have this all correct then Core Self or Self is who we are meant to be.
I am Tylas, a part that is finally aware. A part that was protected and kept unaware for my safety. This is not Core Self or Self.

------------------------
So I ask my 4 Inner Self Helpers:
Is this all correct? Yes, to the best of our knowledge.
Was I host when I first became aware November 2011? No, you were Watcher.
I had no memory that day I first became aware. At least that is what it felt like. Right? Correct
Was I in Executive Control? No
Did I become host after New Years Day (plus weeks of integration) re-organization/integration? Yes
Was I in Executive Control after these 3 weeks? No
Am I in Executive Control now? No
Are the 4 system managers from Level 25 in Executive control? Yes
Were they before I became aware? Yes
Was Jessica host? Yes, for 2 years prior.

Important Question:
Does any part inside have the power to put a part in control, put them to sleep, kill them or cause a re-organization and integration? No

Important Question: Does any part inside have the power to wake a part, lock up a part, hurt a part, hurt the host? Yes

There is certainly no such thing as an original personality - that is something that is built up over time and contains many parts - so I am not this.

I'm sorry if I say something stupid - I'm just trying to think out loud here Have you asked if you are the birth person? Since you don't believe in an original personality but do have a time-frame for when you were not aware (e.g from this to that time) I assume you are the part that was born into the body?

So, if I have this all correct then Core Self or Self is who we are meant to be

Does this mean you see Self as the whole you will all make after integration? I'm trying to understand, it's just difficult to wrap my head around all the terminology when most is so subjective as well.

I hope I haven't said anything that will cause offense or boredom!

-Core/Host

lifelongthing wrote:I'm sorry if I say something stupid - I'm just trying to think out loud here Have you asked if you are the birth person? Since you don't believe in an original personality but do have a time-frame for when you were not aware (e.g from this to that time) I assume you are the part that was born into the body?

Yep, been there done that, but those inside are not born with the knowledge. They learn it just like I do. So -nope, there is no "Original Personality" I think what happens is that labels become simplified and then mis-used, then there is confusion. There is no Original Personality, but there appears to be an original state of consciousness or something. The part all others will eventually integrate with or should have integrated with as a child.

You have me thinking again!

Does this mean you see Self as the whole you will all make after integration? I'm trying to understand, it's just difficult to wrap my head around all the terminology when most is so subjective as well.

I think so.

I sent this last question to my LC, but having his other degrees in Anthropology and Philosophy - it take him a long time to get to an answer I - as a biologist can accept.

Your questions are great! Don't hesitate. This is how you and I both learn.

Here is some info, as I have come to understand it, on what a personality is.
This is a great description of DID Etiology:
Merek Manual - "Children are not born with a sense of a unified identity; it develops from many sources and experiences. In overwhelmed children, many parts of what should have blended together remain separate. Chronic and severe abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) and neglect during childhood are frequently reported by and documented in patients with dissociative identity disorder. "
http://dx-dissociative-identity-disorde ... occur.html

No one has a truly single, or unified, personality

What is a personality?
"All People are made up of "many diverse, fragmentary—and generally illusory—images of “self.” Psychologists named these normal parts "Ego states."

"The concept of personality, although a common term in psychology, really doesn’t mean much because any person is really composed of many diverse, fragmentary—and generally illusory—images of “self. In the midst of such chaos, psychology can’t heal a personality so much as help a person recognize all these illusions. These normal fragments of personality are often called ego states." http://dx-dissociative-identity-disorde ... ality.html

There is no Original Personality, but there appears to be an original state of consciousness or something. The part all others will eventually integrate with or should have integrated with as a child.

That was what I meant by person and was about to clarify when you edited Children (I think) are born with a consciousness (seemingly very primal but I would think evolves and expands over time to include more). You say yourself you are not an ISH or alter and you don't have a body, and you say you are a consciousness - so I would consider you just that - a different consciousness that your alters have been trying to preserve. The consciousness, as you say, they should've been integrated with as a child but were unable to.

our questions are great! Don't hesitate. This is how you and I both learn.

Thank you kindly

- Core/Host

I think I would.

Are you sure you are only young.

I'm glad I could participate in this little discussion. Very interesting and nice to get to know you a bit more!

Are you sure you are only young.

I get this question sincerely from people almost daily

- Core/Host

You made my Brain Happy!!!!

I must never be satisfied! My LC says I have more questions than any human should be allowed!

I found such great stuff in the book Haunted Self today. I have read the first half before, but it's making a lot more sense this 2nd time through.

Page 80
The literature on DID often mentions the existence of a so-called "host," the ANP that is "out" or in executive control most of the time (Braun, Kluft, Putnam).

It has also generally been referred to as the "original" Personality. However, in tertiary structural dissociation no such original personality exists, nor is the host a non-dissociative part of the personality. Instead, the personality is divided in two or more dissociative parts, one or more of which may be considered the "host."

We prefer the term ANP, because the host has functions of living normal daily life, and has not, or not fully, realized the traumatization. Some DID patients may have several dissociative parts which have key positions in daily life, and therefore could be called "hosts," even though they may not be in executive control more often than others.

I look at DID as a fascinating thing. I think Flashbacks are cool - things like Father standing in front of me - kicking me and yelling at me! Wow! It's incredible how the brain works! Doing the Linda Blair thing - screaming bloody murder for a good 20 to 30 minutes - whoa! Weird and cool! (the sore back for months and all the sort muscles I got from that were NOT cool though!) I think pseudoseizures are cool - although I do have to be scared. I am so amazed at how the brain works, ----- but information I got tonight I and those inside DID NOT TAKE WELL!



So don't read farther if you are stuck on the idea of a core, original or anything like that. I will sent all this to my LC to make sure I got it all right, but ....


What I understand now from talking with my LC tonight is that....

I am not what I have been calling "the part of consciousness the Alters protected"
I am a new ANP that was created during a re-organization January 1st - week 2012 to replace Jessica who did not care if she lived or died.

There IS NO part that the Alters protect!
huh!?!?!?!?!?

We start out unintegrated.
The baby I started out as -- is the sum of all my parts.
The total of all of us IS what that baby was meant to be.
So in essence - after integration then we become what was meant to be the Core Self/Original or whatever you want to call it.

My lead System Protector and System Manager Rachel came out at the news and was furious!
Confused! Startled that all parts have been working so hard to join with what they thought was this part of the self they had protected from bad memories all our lives.

Then my smart part = Glenda explained to everyone that she gets it. She explained it to all those inside. After a while I got it too.

That was only a few hours ago, and I am good again. I feel a bit ashamed that I fought it and that I did not accept the science of it - freaked out! ... but now I feel calmer and better than ever and so do all those inside!

~Whew~

The last host/ANP had a name - Jessica.
We have all called me by my birth name .

So - while driving home tonight, which takes me a couple of hours I came to think of me as....
The part of us that WILL be ANP when we all become one whole Self. I like that! All parts of me like it as well. That is a label that we can live with and you all know I do like labels.

I hope this does not freak anyone out, but I think it's always good to get it.

Hello,
Non DID here, Sometimes simple is best,,, maybe what your describing is the part that is just supposed to go out and live and enjoy life, and learn more about others and yourself along the way, to help you later on down the road.. with your protectors keeping an eye out for you...