What do I have? TRIGGER WARNING

Hello people, I am Secret

There might be a lot of triggers here, so be careful while you read it.

I have been in this forum for about two years now, but rarely post anything outside of the DID forum, so probably most don't know me.

I just wanted your opinions on this quick topic, about myself.

I will not say all of my symptoms, as I dont remember many of them at the time, but still, I wanted to know how normal is this (Do i have any particular mental condition, or is it just a strange personality?)

First, I suffer from depression, not all the time, more like a few months every year, some times caused by some minor cause, and other times just my mood gets like that. Actually, my mood changes a lot every few months. For example, i might be depressed at times, then I can be happy, or like a child who needs to be taken care of, and other times I might get "psychologically aggressive", i mean, not violent, but more like "enjoying people's suffering".

What is more important, is that I have a mind strong enough to keep control at all times, so no matter how angry i might feel, I have never been violent. If I am in an argument at times, I still keep really calm, and many times just fake tears or anger, to convince the other person of my point.

I also tend to lack many feelings, most of the times. Not just "feelings", but more like the empathetic feelings. I can feel shame, depression, and guilt oranger, and I can really enjoy the stuff that I like (books, pc games, anime), but I normally don't feel emotions related to others. Still, I know the problem isn't inside my neurological brain, because Anime can cause me all that emotions (and really strong, at times).

I also have to say that along my life I have been having quite a few disorders. To stat with, my suicidal wishes started actually at about 9 years old, making my intentions clear inside my mind at 13. I am 20 now, and I no longer feel that way, except when I'm under a lot of stress, but the thought itself is now just a release. Like "knowing that I can do it" makes me calm again. I won't commit suicide as I have reasons to keep on living now. Later on my life, at about 15, i suffered from som relaly mild annorexia (not sure if it really is this disorder). What I mean is that i was always thinking about my weight. I had about 5-10 kilograms less than I should, but I never was really low. And I always thought that I should lose more weight. All the time. I spent every moment thinking how to spend calories, because I codlnt stop eating, as my family was keeping a close control over my food ingest. Then, I started cutting myself, only superficial wounds with a pencil sharpener blade, that didn't even leave scars, just to know the feeling. Once I started, at some times I felt the urge to do it, combined with my body's reaction, like a "fear" of the situation. After about a month i stopped, but even now sometimes I tend to bite myself whenever I feel too angry (not enought to hurt my skin, just to feel the pain and calm down).
Also, my memory is really strange. I have almost no recall of my school years, b ut in my mind I know they "happened". I might have 2 or 3 memories from each year top. Is that common? I have lots of memories from my last years though, so I'm thinking it's not really a symptom, but just the lack of any significant thing to remember... But, my memorie is failing really often lately.. It could be just stress or tiredness, right?

And, what called my attention the most, is that for about 2 or 3 years, I was really paranoid. I mean, all the time looking back, thinking someone (probably the CIA) was following me and trying to get more information, and eventually capture me. I always made sure ot to get caught on cameras, and even covered my face in some ways most of the time, thinking everything was a trap. I was sure that they were following me because I had something special. Maybe a gift or an object, but I didn't know anything about it, and they were waiting for me to find out before they would capture me.

The strangest thing about that, is that all the time I also had my rational thinking, so I knew all those things were impossible. Mymind was clear enough for me to know that I couldnt let anyone know about that, because I knew that it was crazy, that nobody was following me. But te feeling was still there...

I also tend to have some minor OCD-like issues. For example, when walking. If I step on a lin ewith one foot, i have to step on the next line with the same part of the foot, but with the other foot. Or when i accidentally touch a wall with my hand, I tend to make sure that I touch another wall with the other hand, or with the opposite part of the hand.
Again, I have my rational thinking, so I have tried and succeded on ignoring these "manias" whenever I want to, but still I feel somewhat compelled to do it. I CAN choose not to do it, though.

Finally, one last symptom. At almost all times, no matter the topic, whenever I have an opinion, a "part of my mind" always has the oposite opinion. If i say something, my mind tells me the opposite. But i can choose who to listen. For example, in a given moment, i think I like something. But my mind says I dont, so it's a 80-20%. But, when I realise, I might tell myself I don't, and then it turns into a 20-80%. At all times, I never know what I really want or feel, because both answers are always true, "yes" and "no". I just choose wich one to listen to. Lately, this has been even more clear. It's almost like two voices arguing (although I do not hear any kind of voice, it's just conflicting thoughts inside my mind). These thoughts can be normal, but in my case they are just here ALL the time. I can NEVER know what I really feel. This has helped me fit any kind of group and be liked by any kind of person, because I just act in a different way for each of them, and it's still myself, my real personality (as every single way i might act is real, as a part of my mind has that personality).
I do NOT have DID, as my thoughts dont have anything similar to a consciousness except my own, just to make it clear.

As final input, I will tell you that I have always been really smart, haven't done any real formal test, but I have reasons to believe that my IQ is about 120-130. I have always been good at maths, especially, but any kind of reasoning is easy for me (my school and university results don't show it because I am way too irresponsible). I also have an ability I'm proud of, with people. Just by sharing a few moments with them, I know most things about their personalities, and with just a little bit of information I can find te causes for the ways they act, and have almost always been right. I know how to make them like me, and whenever I want to, I can earn a persons trust no matter how hard it might seem.
I am also rather antisocial. I have many friends who seem to love me, but I always preferred spending time alone. Still, in all my life I have found 3 people who I enjoyed spending time with, from the very beggining, and in all cases have later found out they share my ability and many of my emotional issues, and 2 of them have DID.
I sometimes really want to be a serial killer, and torture my victims in the worst way possible, Other times, I want to be into the military, to get tested to the most extreme end. And many other things like this, depending on my mood.


Still, I have always had a strong rational mind that has enabled me to go through all of this without anyone realising, and without letting it cause ANY kind of real interference with my way of living. I have forced me to have freinds, a carrer, work, keep normal levels of relationships with people, and always act the best way possible, according to my thinking. People around me just think I'm a strange person, but really smart and honest, good at work and at studies, just some strange details but nothing important and nothing creepy. Still, virtually nobody has dared to mess with me, I don't know if they were afraid or they just liked me enough.

Do I have a strange personality, or can you think of any possible mental illness or condition that might explain at least some of my symptoms?

Not many will read something this long, so I really, really tank those who do, and would REALLY appreciate any kind of info on this. I am really good at solving other peoples problems, especially mental and emotional ones, or relationship related troubles, but I just can't even begin to discover my own... Will really appreciate any help