My journey

I just wanted to share how I've been doing.

A quick background to my story,

I suffered a rough childhood and developed DID, struggled to survive for a long time (struggle is an understatement), eventually managed to merge all my parts except one through therapy (F is still with me).

One thing I have still been struggling with I describe as my "Spark"... the part of me that is resilient and did not want to die, the part of me that wants to live.
For so many years my "Spark" was dead... completely stomped upon and seemingly snuffed out, unable to be lit again.
I had years of people trying to stomp out my spark, to see me broken, and it seemed like they succeeded. I thought it was gone for good, and I would just have to drift along hoping it would come back someday.

We got a kitten... and watching how silly and playful he is, how cuddly and loving he is, but most importantly how stubborn he is and how he never EVER gives up, even when he knows he's never going to get there ("ooh, you have food?") I have finally started to feel my "Spark" wiggle, as if it has become a tiny ember that has been reignited and wishes to reignite.

Everytime I feel unconditionally loved by my cat ("I love you and forgive you even though I don't agree with not being able to walk on top of your game system, on the table, etc!") my spark stirrs a little more and it has slowly been growing.

We have to give him away for a little while, and I'm going to miss my kitty cuddles... but as long as my spark is alive, even slightly, I think that I can make it grow

It's weird... I used to feel connection to animals as a child but I lost the ability to while I was so split apart with DID. A few years ago I had a hamster who taught me to love animals again. After she died I found a way to merge my system.
I love how my cat doesn't care if I'm being silly or even if F mutters something under our breath (He stays inside mostly, but we have a tic). There's something healing about being accepted.

Within five years, I went from sleeping all the time, switching madly and losing time, fighting myself and struggling to survive, suffering flashbacks a lot and not functioning AT ALL,
to having normal sleep patterns, merging my system, "switching" between my last part and myself only when we feel like doing some healing work, doing day to day things successfully, learning constantly and feeling relaxed most of the time, not having to worry about being triggered and now I'm taking myself to university.

Most of my family don't recognize me, they can't believe I'm the same person.

It hasn't been easy- there have been a lot of pitfalls along the way... my health has failed and I cannot get proper treatment, there's been deaths in the family, our apartment was invaded by bedbugs and I had to throw out most of my stuff, my relationship has collapsed to no intimacy and it needs to be fixed, I had to cut out certain family members for good, start relying on myself because I no longer have family monetary support...

But I'm finally at a place where I can say I don't regret anything and I'm in a good place right now.
Everyone's journey will be different... specifically for me to heal, I needed to be fearless in facing my past, I needed to face the pain head on and allow myself to feel it (and to heal!), I needed to be in a place I considered safe (my boyfriend kept things very safe for me.. it allowed for healing but really hurt my relationship), I needed to continually see a therapist that cared about me (IFS),
I needed to feel separate from my family to separate from their problems, For a short time I needed medication to help me through the therapy... I needed to feel unconditional love and I needed strongly to explore my spirituality (including giving God a break)
I needed to seek my answers with an open heart, not a closed mind.

Most importantly I needed to give myself a VOICE, and I needed to stop my victim mentality.
For so long I kept saying "I hate the world, the world owes me for my pain, God hates me"
Until I realized I didn't really hate anyone at all, no one owed me anything (except myself! I owe myself the best!) and God (or whatever you want to call it, I'm not religious) wants the best for me, even if it doesn't always make sense at first.

I wish you all good luck in your own lives and I want you to know that it's still possible.. I don't believe any of us are forever broken, although it definitely felt like that for a long time!!!

I just wanted to share my journey with you all and I hope you all have a wonderful day...!!!

"One thing I have still been struggling with I describe as my "Spark"... the part of me that is resilient and did not want to die, the part of me that wants to live.
For so many years my "Spark" was dead... completely stomped upon and seemingly snuffed out, unable to be lit again.
I had years of people trying to stomp out my spark, to see me broken, and it seemed like they succeeded. I thought it was gone for good, and I would just have to drift along hoping it would come back someday.

I wish you all good luck in your own lives and I want you to know that it's still possible.. I don't believe any of us are forever broken, although it definitely felt like that for a long time!!!"

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Funny How all of these stories are the same. So many people with the exact same story... mine is very similar or identical in a more open abstract way.

I would not have believed for a minute that I would ever get better. I am,. Im not forever broken. I would never have believed this. Death would surely have taken me. It didn't happen. Im getting better.

Thanks for sharing your story...

Fabulous post

broken_mirror wrote:One thing I have still been struggling with I describe as my "Spark"... the part of me that is resilient and did not want to die, the part of me that wants to live.

I call mine Archespore. I found out that my "spark" was an alter that had died. He is back now. He was suffocated by Father at about 3 months old.

This is a hard story and hard life. You are brave.

broken_mirror wrote: I needed to be fearless in facing my past, I needed to face the pain head on and allow myself to feel it (and to heal!)

Oh yes!!!!!!!! As I always say.. Just do it!

broken_mirror wrote:I needed to feel separate from my family to separate from their problems

I left my kids for a couple of years too, and came back to face my DID.

broken_mirror wrote: I needed to feel unconditional love

This is what I was looking for as well - in those 2 years gone. I never found it.

broken_mirror wrote:Most importantly I needed to give myself a VOICE, and I needed to stop my victim mentality.

I have never had the victim mentality. I am told that is why I am healing so fast. My sister on the other hand has the total victim mentality and she is a mess!

Thanks for posting your journey. I see so much of me in what you wrote!


Archespore for those interested
http://dx-dissociative-identity-disorde ... s-old.html

Thanks for sharing this beautiful story!
It is so hard sometimes to believe that the brokenness is not forever.
It's great to hear such an uplifting and motivating message

Hey thanks for sharing! There is no one who can live a troubleless life, no matter multiples or "singletons". But i believe we can be strong enough to cope with the challenges life pose to us I wish you all the best in your future!!
I'm not religious too but i still wish to say: May God bless you

broken_mirror,

thank you so much for sharing this post. Even in the forum, I agree that you seem so different and have come so far since joining. It has been wonderful for me to see your progress along some of the way through what you have shared on the forum. It has been really valuable to me to see how much progress you have made and has given me hope that one day I will be able to work through all that I have to work through. You have had an enormous impact on my life in that way, even though I have never met you, and you have been really important to me in the example you have set. I'm very grateful to you for your continued presence on the forum during your healing, it has given me much hope personally.

I hope that you continue your journey on working to get that spark fully bright and ignited. I think the progress you have made is a real testament to your ability to keep going through all of the struggles and I have no doubt that you will continue to go on and improve your life even further. I hope you continue to share your insights with us here when the mood strikes you. Take good care.

Very encouraging and inspiring post. Thank you!

Broken Mirror,

Thanks for sharing your journey, and for the posts you've made sharing your views, your experiences, your learnings.

I'm in love with someone who has DID, and I read, and read, and read this forum. Some times, as a Significant Other I fail, I'm not understanding, I demand time, or answers. And it is here, when I read your stories that I stop and take time to understand.

Your stories are invaluable to me. They help me understand the man I love, all of them. Your stories help me read his thoughts, understand his actions, be stronger for them.

I'm sad that you, all of you, endured so much pain. I bow at the healing path everyone of you chooses every day. Thank you for being so brave, for finding ways to reconstruct your selves, for sharing them with us.

I wish that by reading more, and more of these stories, I get to give that unconditional love that is so much needed. I wish I can give it to my love, and to anyone whom I'm capable of giving it.

Wish you a safe journey every day, full of unconditional love.

Sea

OMNICELL wrote:I would not have believed for a minute that I would ever get better. I am,. Im not forever broken. I would never have believed this. Death would surely have taken me. It didn't happen. Im getting better.

I feel the same way, I have dates of dr's appointments, waiting to move out of home, yet I can't believe I will get there, can't believe I'll still be alive by then. Thanks, you've made me realise that I'm not the only one and that people do get through this stage. If there is just a little bit of hope that we may get better, we'll take it and keep hoping, we'll keep going just a moment longer