trigger warning rant racing violent thoughts

I can't get these thoughts out of my head. Would medication help with this? I've been anti meds for so long but I'm starting to think maybe it wouldn't be that bad. So many thoughts and images and fantasies in my head of murdering people, hitting people, screaming at them, letting them suffer. In my fantasies I am angry divided, filled with rage. But I'm not angry...I'm just wanting to go to sleep. I just want the thoughts to go away. I try to have better fantasies like fantasies of letting it all scream out in my therapist's office, and imagining her calm me down, and it helps until somehow the thoughts shift back into what they were before. Random, remembering minor incidents from years ago that all of a sudden I want to kill them for.

I'm praying to God to make it go away but I can't even focus enough to pray. The thoughts always return. I am so lost right now. The anxiety has been building and dropping and building and dropping. I am lost.

Divided, I don't know you and can't comment on what is going on in your day to day life, but from the posts you've been putting up the past week or so I have to say I'm quite worried about you. I don't know when your T gets back in town, but if she's still gone I would suggest either finding a way to contact her immediately or finding somebody else to contact. You appear to be increasingly rageful and have commented on harming yourself several times. With the level of anger and violent urges you are experiencing right now, medication may be extremely helpful (and I'm one who hates medication!). Please find somebody to talk to soon...
Truly wishing you all the best right now...

Medication may help as a short term solution but not a long term solution because these fantasies are a way of expelling some of the incredibly difficult thoughts and feelings that you are processing right now and it is good it is coming out now whilst you have the security of a good therapist around you. The NHS put me on anti psychotics when a member of the system was having strong harmful thoughts to ourselves and others and it helped to "hold us" for a bit.

anti psych drugs helped to calm myself down most of the time. I wouldnt advise it as a long term solution though.

take care divided

mystic

thank you boopsy, mystic, and bourbon. For the time being, I am somewhat relaxed

boopsy26 wrote:Divided, I don't know you and can't comment on what is going on in your day to day life, but from the posts you've been putting up the past week or so I have to say I'm quite worried about you. I don't know when your T gets back in town, but if she's still gone I would suggest either finding a way to contact her immediately or finding somebody else to contact. You appear to be increasingly rageful and have commented on harming yourself several times. With the level of anger and violent urges you are experiencing right now, medication may be extremely helpful (and I'm one who hates medication!). Please find somebody to talk to soon...
Truly wishing you all the best right now...

boopsy, this made me smile. I'm thankful for your concern. I hate to bother my T even though I know she's back in town...I think I need to wait till our next session, especially since right now I seem to be on a high. I did email her about possibly starting meds though, so hopefully we can talk more about it on thursday when I see her. I haven't been that close to real crisis mode in a long time...I definitely need to not have that happen again. I hate the idea of meds mostly because I'm afraid of weight gain, but I decided I would just decrease my calorie intake the first couple of weeks and see if everything is normal.

dividedtruth89 wrote:I hate the idea of meds mostly because I'm afraid of weight gain, but I decided I would just decrease my calorie intake the first couple of weeks and see if everything is normal.

I can understand this completely. But, short term side-effects at the cost of avoiding a violent outburst against yourself or another is not even close to a comparable trade-off. I'm glad you're T is back on Thursday. I hope that you let us know how it goes...

We talked about the stuff and I didn't go into too much detail but she supports my desire to get some antianxiety stuff and she said if whatever my doctor gives me doesn't work after a month than she thinks my symptoms are severe enough to warrant a visit to a psychiatrist.

It was a really good session. I made a whole lot of noise on these instrument things she had and I threw some balls at plastic bowling pins which she set up each time. She said that what one girl said to me at work was #######4 and that I should knock some more pins down. It felt super awesome. I cried a whole lot in the waiting room after the session though. I don't know why I cry so much or why I have to make a whole lot of noise.

I was kinda hurting myself with this mallet thing. The mallet had a string tied around it and I was tying it around my finger but she told me there's no hurting allowed in there. I was like big deal I was hurting myself with the plastic knife earlier you just didn't see cuz the clay was hiding it and she said "ooh. Tricky" but I don't want to break the rules.

I showed her my cuts and she said "ow" but I don't think it's ow. I was scared to take off my jacket (cuz my cuts are on the top part of my arm and I couldn't just roll up my jacket sleeves like usual) but I did it anyway so that's kinda progress I think. I kinda think I'm weak for wanting meds but oh well.

It sounds like you needed that session
You're not weak for taking meds. Sometimes things get overwhelming and we need a little help to get things back in order. You're strong for being honest with your T and honest with yourself. This $##t is hard! Don't be ashamed for trying to help and take care of yourself!!!

Hello dividedtruth89 !

I just wanted to say that I relate somehow to what happened (still happens?) to you concerning these thoughts (and in my case, dreams too).

-- Trigger Warning: Begin --

I dream that I'm on a disused psychiatric ward, researching on biological agents that will only kill children under 12. In parallel to that, I also do experiment on how child abuse affects the physical and mental development of a children (quite ironic, isn't it) ... I am just sick of it. I mean why the ######6 hell do I have to dream about THIS ! And all of it is made worse with violent thoughts (that some part of me seem to ... enjoy ?!?) during daytime ... I am some seriously disordered individual aren't I ? Why do I need to be so ###$ UP ?!?

Sorry for the rant, but for once, it actually seems to help me.
Good job ! For once, you actually chose to live your emotion rather than push it aside in the "safe" !

-- Trigger Warning: End --

So, I was wondering what you tried to help curb these ?

Well, I was taking zoloft for about 2 weeks but then stopped cuz I'm paranoid about it possibly making me gain weight. Ever since though, it hasn't happened very often. When it has happened I have been writing the thoughts down in my journal in the most graphic form, drawing pictures, etc. It has helped release it.

Another thing I did in therapy was make a very violent sandtray. I put my roommates cats in the center and "killed" them with the monsters in various fashions. It helped incredibly. I may do this again when I go to T again on thursday