o.k so what do I do about it?

I know I have DDNOS-I know I dissociate. I know clearly that allll my symptoms indicate I have had trauma run rampant through my life like a wildfire and now I feel destroyed at times beyond repair. It had taken me a looooong time to come to the conclusion that DDNOS is what's wrong with me. I didn't see how psychological problems can physically make me feel so sick and disoriented all the time. I thought for sure something HAD to be wrong with my brain and that the doctors just weren't finding it but when they did I'd get better! No such luck...b/c other than DDNOS I am perfectly healthy...I have no memories really at all, I have flashbacks, major depersonalization problems, paralyzed at times, can't speak....I've tried so hard to get better. I guess the acceptance of my disorder would be seen as progress in itself but I want to now know what to do next. Do I journal? Do I draw? EMDR? I feel nothing so how can I process my feelings? It's dead in here, I'm surprised my body even moves when I feel like inside of it there's hallow space. I miss my son. Most of the time he lookes strange to me-like I don't even know who he is yet I take care of him,love him etc etc but when I reallly look at him something floods my conciousness and I get overwhelmed and have to look away. I don't understand myself, this makes no sense. I feel so guilty and wonder if how I feel rubs off on him somehow. I want to get better but don't understand my symptoms!

I guess the acceptance of my disorder would be seen as progress in itself but I want to now know what to do next.

yes!

Do I journal? Do I draw? EMDR? I feel nothing so how can I process my feelings? It's dead in here, I'm surprised my body even moves when I feel like inside of it there's hollow space.

I have made huge progress since accepting that I have DID. Journal - yes! I have not got to the place that I am ready for EMDR yet. I am still working working on getting those inside to where they are ready to process trauma memory. It's not a quick thing. I get extreme depression too where I cannot function and can barely walk. It's horrible. I found many of my parts were blind, deaf, sick, dying, deformed and in wheelchairs. I healed those parts with magic just last night. I have so much healing to do inside! It sounds like you do as well. Get to know the parts of yourself, love them and help them to understand what is going on. Read! Knowledge is so important. Request that all parts listen as you read.

http://dx-dissociative-identity-disorde ... lters.html

DDNOS in many ways is more difficult to deal with than DID. Things are so jumbled with DDNOS instead of have the clear boundaries. I have read it is hard.

Brandonsmom you say two ways of breaking through the depersonalization: you feel guilty, and looking at your son. Two things to tap into, then put pen to paper and write. If nothing happens write random letters joined together, soon a word comes, then another and so on. Don't worry about sentences grammar or punctuation, write on instinct puttin full stops, large gaps and new paragraphs wherever feels right. This is what I do, it can be surprising what comes out. X

thanks for all the responses. I have a couple questions though about the journaling. When I write, is it necessary for me to have emotions as I write or do I just write down my intellectual thoughts? I can't seem to process anything and it's really frustrating to think my mind hides things from me so well. I just want to get better. My therapist recommended that I right a question with my right hand and answer with my left to get both hemispheres working. When I ask myself a question I get an answer right away...I don't know if it's intuition or what, but should I trust that first response to myself? I want to begin processing now that I'm so stable but I know I need to be patient.

brandonsmom777 wrote:thanks for all the responses. I have a couple questions though about the journaling. When I write, is it necessary for me to have emotions as I write or do I just write down my intellectual thoughts? I can't seem to process anything and it's really frustrating to think my mind hides things from me so well. I just want to get better. My therapist recommended that I right a question with my right hand and answer with my left to get both hemispheres working. When I ask myself a question I get an answer right away...I don't know if it's intuition or what, but should I trust that first response to myself? I want to begin processing now that I'm so stable but I know I need to be patient.

For many that journal one part comes out and writes something, then it can be left for other parts to read. You don't seem to be talking about that though - it appears you have some work to do before you get to that point. I cannot do this either.

Writing with opposite hands is used in inner child work and I think it can be helpful in any journal work. I would listen to your T and do as they suggest. Just start writing - it gets all the parts thinking. It sure has helped me as you can see from my very long and involved blog.

No one in my system is allowed to write or type anything to me - it's forbidden and if they do they are punished and locked up, so journaling by various alters never did work for me. What has worked was to ask yes or no questions of those inside and write this in my journal/blog. This does not seem to be against their rules. I have had to be very creative in how I communicate with mine, but all parts are able to answer my questions by nodding yes or no - among other things. Also, often these days, I am co-present when others are out and I can hear them talking to other people, so I can journal this as well.

The point of journaling is that there are no boundaries. No limitations. The mere essence of this is what makes journaling so healing. You can express yourself(thoughts,feelings, it doesn't matter)without any fear.

From what you wrote on here...it sounds like you have lots of things you would write. You miss your son. That's a feeling. You want to get better. That's a feeling. You feel guilty on how it may be rubbing off on him. Stick all that in a journal that knows no boundaries, and you'll be surprised how your healing starts to take on a new shape.

Doing creative things, like drawing or play therapy, connect to the right brain, increasing the ability of the corpus callosum to bridge thoughts to emotions and vice versa. I know it can be hard at first to draw a picture if you don't feel much, but you'd be amazed at what can happen.

The first day my T gave me a sand tray to dig around in while I talked, I cried. I don't even know what I was crying about. She just told me to start moving the sand around, and after a minute or so, I'm bawling. No thoughts, just tears. Finding right brain activities like this will help you connect...that's just scientific. It's gonna take baby steps. You can do this. You are already doing an amazing job, and I love your drive to heal.