My dad grabbing me by the throat.. Vent.

Worst day of the year so far yesterday... My dad occasionally likes to just lose it and scream at me for various reasons...

Yesterday he came in and screamed that I had the fire on full blast (it's minus degrees c outside and the house was ######6 freezing, can you really blame me for wanting to stay warm?) then he went into the kitchen, the door between the living room and kitchen is broken so you have to wedge it shut, I had done so with my trainers, so then he comes back in and yells no wonder it's cold in here if you just leave this door wide open, you have to wedge it shut with some shoes or something and stop the heat escaping (it had been wedged shut with my shoes until he opened it) then he yelled at me for my shoes lying around, when he'd just told me to use shoes to wedge the door shut.

Oh and he screamed at me for mine and my BFs coats being on the armchair, saying "they've been there for days" when in actual fact we'd just come in a few hours ago, put them there, and were intending to put them on again to go out to my psych appointment in about half an hour.

THEN he yelled at us for there being a plate being on the footrest, going THAT'S BEEN THERE SINCE LAST NIGHT HASN'T IT, when my boyfriend had just had his dinner off it like half an hour ago, and we were watching a film so hadn't put it away yet...

So he told us to tidy up, I put my shoes on the shoe rack downstairs, tidied up and we went upstairs... Then I hear him throwing some of my stuff up the stairs, including my shoes, which I had just put ON THE SHOE RACK, so pretty pissed off by now I go downstairs and start shouting back, what is the problem with my shoes being on the shoe rack?! He screamed at me some more, can't remember what about, and I just got so pissed off and threw my shoes back down onto the shoe rack. He picked them up, still yelling, and went to the front door, opened it, and threw my shoes out into the garden, one into the neighbours garden (pathetic I know).

So I went to the door straight away, and shoved him out of the way in order to try to get outside to get my shoes back, and he just grabbed me around the throat and forced me back halfway into the living room by my throat, screaming at me to never dare lay my hands on him again. By this point I was hysterical at the fact he'd just grabbed me by the throat and told him to never dare ######6 do that again... Honestly I am so tired of his $#%^... I mean he might be angry that the place is messy (and it wasn't that bad) but firstly he's barely over, he hadn't been over the house for 4 days by this point (lives with his girlfriend) and claims to magically know how long certain things had been in certain places.

Usually when he loses it and screams at me I just stand there and completely ignore him because if I even try to explain myself or to reasonably argue back he completely ignores everything I say. But to be honest I am tired of this $#%^. I am tired of him screaming at me and I am fed up of just standing and taking it because I'm 20 ######6 years old and I don't need this. Especially not with my little alters who are so easily freaked out. I mean, I have decided to stay off university this morning because I felt someone inside feeling completely freaked out... Probably his fault... He doesn't seem to understand that grabbing his daughter by the throat is domestic abuse... He also doesn't seem to realise how much damage he can cause... I went upstairs crying hysterical and my boyfriend had to calm me down, which took ages... I was still on the verge of tears when I had to leave for my psych appointment...

Then my day got even worse because I went to my psych appointment, that I had made because my meds dose is starting to wear off and I was starting to see depressive symptoms again... she refused to put my meds up because she doesn't seem to believe that it is possible for a dose to wear off and seems to think that 450mg should magically work forever.... She also doesn't seem to think that depression can be seperate from DID so she thinks the fact I suffer from severe depression is due to my DID and increasing meds won't help, even though I have shown in the past that meds DO help, that's why I'm on them...

I have very severe symptoms of bipolar disorder (4 month long severe suicidal depressions, and 3 month long periods of elated moods, grandiosity, no regard for my health - I ended up getting hospitalised with need for a blood transfusion, and even when I had bled a hell of a lot I wouldn't let the guy I was with call an ambulance because I was pretty sure I would be fine - it took me until I had collapsed from blood loss before I'd let him call an ambulance). Stupid thing is I actually told her last time I saw her that I'd had a blood transfusion and how it had resulted from my carelessness during an elated period and yesterday she turns around and says she got in touch with my GP and there had been no record of it whatsoever!! Funny that, apparently I've never had a blood transfusion, wonder what happened that time I woke up in hospital with blood pumping into my hand!!

So basically when she told me she couldn't put my meds up I got extremely distressed and started crying again, because my depressions are so severe, they get increasing with strength every time I cycle into one, and I barely survived the last one... She says she can't put it up because there's no clinical reason to do so, that I am definitely not bipolar (despite cycling through suicidal depression and ridiculous elation periods). She seems to think you can only have one thing wrong with you and say bipolar has nothing to do with my alters so that must mean I can't have it... So she won't put my meds up because you need a clinical reason to do so... So she refused to put them up and now I'm stuck on an ineffective dose....

This was a really long rant and I'm sorry it was so wrong I just needed to vent because yesterday was just so stressful... I should be headed to uni right now but I just really don't feel up to it.

Kaz x

Hi,
Is there any place like a safe haven you can go for a couple days when your dad is being so aggressive? (At least if the situation isn't right yet to move out) It's not right of him to yell at you, let alone lay a finger on you.

I'm sorry your psyc apt. ended up making you feel worse than better. I hope today will be better.

Borg wrote:Hi,
Is there any place like a safe haven you can go for a couple days when your dad is being so aggressive? (At least if the situation isn't right yet to move out) It's not right of him to yell at you, let alone lay a finger on you.

I'm sorry your psyc apt. ended up making you feel worse than better. I hope today will be better.

Like I say he isn't here much - he lives mainly with his girlfriend. Which is really good when he's in one of these sh*tty moods. But yeah he hasn't hit me since I was a lot younger, it shocked me a lot that he'd put his hand round my throat of all things :s

Thanks for the reply,
Kaz x

Hi,
I'm glad he's gone mostly. Are you doing okay?

But yeah he hasn't hit me since I was a lot younger, it shocked me a lot that he'd put his hand round my throat of all things

I understand, something similar happened to me last year, I was just in shock it was happening again. I don't want to project, but here goes...is there anyway that your BF or someone can be with you when he's around so this won't happen again? Like a body guard? (I found with my foo, after a period of relative calm(absence of physical abuse), they got worse and worse, and started back up again.)

Borg wrote:Hi,
I'm glad he's gone mostly. Are you doing okay?

But yeah he hasn't hit me since I was a lot younger, it shocked me a lot that he'd put his hand round my throat of all things

I understand, something similar happened to me last year, I was just in shock it was happening again. I don't want to project, but here goes...is there anyway that your BF or someone can be with you when he's around so this won't happen again? Like a body guard? (I found with my foo, after a period of relative calm(absence of physical abuse), they got worse and worse, and started back up again.)

I'm okay now, yeah, thanks. I was panicky this morning but I've calmed.

My boyfriend was actually in the house when he did it, he was standing at the top of the stairs... Didn't see it but was furious with my dad... He's here most of the time, stays 5 days a week... My dad stays one and my BF goes home that night, Wednesday... Tomorrow... Maybe I will ask him to stay tomorrow since I haven't seen my dad since the incident.

Kaz x

Kaz, I am very sorry this happened to you.

Your father was trying to pick a fight and here you gave him what he wanted:

Feathers wrote:So I [...] shoved him out of the way in order to [...] get my shoes back

There is no excuse for this. Shoes are not important. Personal boundaries are. Here you violated his. Then he violated yours.

Your father picking a fight with you likely had nothing to do with you. He showed up angry and he took it out on you. Used you like a punching bag. Have you filed a domestic violence report with the police yet? That is a step toward getting a restraining order so he can no longer come into your home and assault you.

About your medication, here is an idea. Instead of increasing the dose, how about getting changing the formulation to smooth out the delivery. Take a half dose twice a day. Your first step would be to call the nearest compounding pharmacy and ask them about formulations. No matter if your current formulation is a tablet or a capsule, if there is not another formulation on the market a compounding pharmacy can fix it even if that means crushing tablets and putting the powder in capsules.

Kaz, Wikipedia says your medication, Seroquel (Quetiapine), has a half life of 6 hours. That means if you are taking a single daily dose when 24 hours has passed the drug has dropped to 1/16 of the initial concentration. It starts at 1, then drops to 1/2 at 6 hours, 1/4 at 12, 1/8 at 18, and 1 (1 + 1/16) at 24 when you take the next dose. If you take two half doses, it starts at 1/2, drops to 1/4 at 6 hours, 1/2 + 1/8 at 12 (when you take the second half dose), 1/4 + 1/16 at 18, 1/2 + 1/8 at 24. See? By spreading out the administration, symptom relief should last longer without increased side effects.

Wikipedia: Quetiapine

I do what Una+ said with my painkillers and it definitely works. If I take two tablets every 4hrs like I'm supposed to it takes half hour to start working then I get half hour of bliss followed by 3hrs of increasing amounts of agony until it's time for the next dose. No thanks. Instead I take half a tablet every hour, it's still a total of two tablets per 4hrs, but I get a steady stream of drug throughout the day. No bliss but no agony either. X

Una+ wrote:Kaz, Wikipedia says your medication, Seroquel (Quetiapine), has a half life of 6 hours. That means if you are taking a single daily dose when 24 hours has passed the drug has dropped to 1/16 of the initial concentration. It starts at 1, then drops to 1/2 at 6 hours, 1/4 at 12, 1/8 at 18, and 1 (1 + 1/16) at 24 when you take the next dose. If you take two half doses, it starts at 1/2, drops to 1/4 at 6 hours, 1/2 + 1/8 at 12 (when you take the second half dose), 1/4 + 1/16 at 18, 1/2 + 1/8 at 24. See? By spreading out the administration, symptom relief should last longer without increased side effects.

Wikipedia: Quetiapine

I tried this the other day. Since Seroquel is a sedative, I was extremely tired all day :/. Fortunately my boyfriend is on the same meds, and he is stable enough to go down in his dose to allow me to go up. Now we're both pretty fine-ish with him on 450mg and me on 600mg. At least I don't get suicidal anymore.

Kaz x