Work stress, child part?, worried, ruminating...

Hey guys, I've been noticing lately that my stressful work situation perhaps causes some sort of child part surface, or at least I suspect that she appears due to me not being able to forget about work. This one is a little different from my 'main' others. They seem like someone who is not me but still influences me, but this young one surfaces differently by taking me back to some childhood memories, and when it happens I feel like my mind is in two parts; one in the present and one lives a past memory. Or even more like there are two 'me's at the same time, a grownup and a child. The child part is in another place with different smells, sounds, temperature, and that part is feeling little and being little.

I've been getting these 'flashbacks' this weekend whenever my stressful thoughts around work have started to go on repeat and I've gotten into a depressed and bored mood, not getting any good vibes from things that I've been doing in order to relax -- these are strong signs of stress for me.
The memories I get are positive ones and bring me some relief. Like yesterday, when I took a long walk to my favourite district but not really being there, since I pretty much felt that my mind was flooded and busy with people from work and that kind of $#%^, which made me feel really down. All of a sudden I recognized this sweet smell from a little candy shop near the house we lived in when I was very little, and the next thing I know the little me was there. It lasted for a while and although I felt even less in touch with my surroundings, it offered a break from the work ruminations.

It didn't feel bad, but then again it startled me. The reason for that is partly related to the silly mistakes I've been making during the weekend. Like on that same walk I noticed that I had lost one mitten. I was wearing two pairs on top of each other because it's very cold, and one of the top ones was gone just like that. I remembered wearing both of them when I left, they are very colourful and my favourites. Today I took the one that was left and was gonna throw it away, but then I saw that the lost one was inside the other one, and I could swear it wasn't there yesterday.

Sorry if I bore you with these descriptions, I know it's nothing really bad. I'm physically safe and so on.
It's just that things like this make me scared because once again, I'm fearing that maybe this is the beginning of some sort of dementia. I'm not old enough to have a risk to get anything like that, but still it scares me. Your mind being whisked back to your childhood, losing stuff, just acting stupid and forgetting about basic things, and on top of that being clumsy; all of this is what is going on and it scares me. The mitten episode is just one incident among the many that make me feel like I'm regressing, and make me doubt my abilites to take care of everyday things in normal way.
It's exactly being like the kid I used to be. I feel like I'm failing.
Additionally, the trend I've noticed before when I lose something continues: it's always my favourite stuff, or something really important like keys. Whenever I think of this it makes me so frustrated and mad at myself. I'm not a materialist, but if I really happen to like something (or something is very important), why do I lose it? It makes me sad, and I don't understand why I'm doing it to myself. Now the mitten episode made me think of all the stuff that I've lost mystically from ever since I was very young, all over again. I want to run away from my thoughts so bad.

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this
You're not getting dementia. It's all part of this stupid thing. I know how you feel, always spacing out, losing things, having flashbacks to other times and not quite being in the present, clumsiness, forgetfulness. Ugh, it all stinks. I had to spend over $150 yesterday replacing things I lost in the last 2 days (I lost the power chord to my computer... how is that even possible?). You say you want to know why you do this to yourself? You're not doing anything on purpose, it's all part of dissociating. And dissociating is exactly what happens when we want to run away from our bad thoughts.
I understand why you're sad, but know that you're not alone.

Thanks boopsy26. I was hoping that someone replies soonish, and I appreciate your words very much.
The reason why I used the words 'why am I doing this to myself' is that sometimes I actually feel like I'm being gaslighted, that the part(s) who do(es) this are doing it in order to mess with my mind, because I feel like I'm being messed with.

Another thing that preoccupies me and could contribute to the divided feeling between me part and a little me part is that I just recently had a general health check, and I talked to the doctor about my stress and hang-ups, and she recommended I see a psychiatrist and eventually start therapy perhaps. Part of me wants this, but another part of me resents it. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, and even though this isn't the first time I'm considering seeing a psychiatrist -- and not the first time this has been recommended to me -- it seems to become harder for me to move into that direction.

Last weekend I told a friend about these things a little, and even though she was very understanding (she happens to be a nurse and specialized in mental problems and disorders, but our friendship is not based on that), opening up didn't make me feel good. I got paranoid about it, and started to fear that she wants to reject me now that she knows, and now I'm just another nutcase in her book. All sorts of warning signs popped up in my head. I want to keep things to myself (IRL ), I don't know what will happen if I tell everything.
Usually I feel really bad after I tell something about my mental problems to someone. Afterwards my mind becomes like a playground of zombies or something. I'm not sure if summoning old memories and buried feelings will do me good.

It seems to be a running theme on here (with myself included) of wanting help but fearing it at the same time. Being paranoid after revealing your problems, and worrying about seeing a psych is actually a very valid fear. The large majority of professionals in this field do not believe in DID or think that it's part of somebody's delusion or attention seeking. People often get misdiagnosed as psychotic or borderline, and then horrible treatment ensues from that. Cautiousness in seeking a proper T is absolutely necessary. But, getting help is also necessary. And your conflict over it may only get worse as you actually start seeking out professional help. It's the whole denial thing- we want to avoid and deny, yet this only hurts us even more in the long run and gives us more problems over time. It's not easy. Summoning old memories just for the sake of it is no good, but working through the past so that you can live better in the present is the upside to all of the conflict and torture of therapy.

You are right. It would be wisest to bite the bullet and go and see a shrink. I think I need to start writing things down for the appointment, because if I'm feeling good on that particular day I won't be able to tap into what's wrong.

the divided feeling between me part and a little me part

Okay, hopefully this doesn't sound too crazy, but when I get that feeling, it's someone up front,co-con-like, it's much easier to communicate. Rather than a blending feeling, they are there in the front seat of the car.

If I look inside, sometimes I can see them, other times, it just feels like I have an extra pair of eyes looking over my shoulder, theoretically speaking. Like I can tell who it is, they are just there, quietly reading along with me, etc. then they'll fade into the darkness.

With the lost mittens, it sounds concurrent with the little feeling. Kids like to hide junk, it's annoying at times, but they think they are funny. Have you asked the little to stop it? What's up? Maybe the little is trying to help you relax as how a child would. IDK.

I think I need to start writing things down for the appointment, because if I'm feeling good on that particular day I won't be able to tap into what's wrong.

I do that too, just draw a blank and like um, I don't remember why I'm here thing. I wish you luck in your search for a T.

Thanks Borg.

I got the same feeling today again, of walking through the house we used to live in. This time I didn't do anything funny or clumsy though.
Anyway, it's beginning to feel like I'm integrating some memories in this way. I just talked about memory integration in another post, perhaps inspired of these experiences I've been having lately.

I'm feeling rather ageless at the moment.

Awesome, it sounds like you are in a good place. I'll go see if I can't find that post about memory integration, I could use it.
TTFN