Bit of a vent... (triggers SA/PA/SH)

by **Feathers** » Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:00 pm

Not really asking for advice here just looking for a place to vent everything that's currently circling in my head...

- First and foremost I have a sexual alter (Sophie) that is addicted to rape, and spends a lot of the time she is out obsessing over being raped and convincing my boyfriend's alters to rape her. This is probably completely unhealthy but if she goes too long without her addiction being fulfilled... Well, last time it drove her to self harm and obviously this is NOT what I want.

- Secondly Sophie and/or a different alter is driving me from inside to be attracted to old men. Usually I avoid old men, they tend to freak me out. But every so often I find myself lusting after certain older men, Jeff Rawle (60) and James May (49) as examples... I don't even understand my attraction to these people, well apart from Jeff Rawle who recently played a serial killer in Hollyoaks (soap) and Sophie has Hybristophilia (defined as a paraphilia involving being sexually aroused or attracted to people who have committed an outrage or a gruesome crime). Today I've just felt a desire to sleep with a much older man and I don't like it.

- I have DID, 25 alters and counting, with no memories whatsoever of any abuse, so I don't know what caused my psyche to split... Presumably abuse from an older man which is probably the cause of the above (both the attraction and being freaked out by old men).

- My psych doesn't appear to believe in DID. She says I'm either borderline or bipolar (I think I'm bipolar as well as DID) and thinks my alters are me making stuff up. It's not like I can just go get another psych either, I live in a country with a free health care system, which is awful, my first psychiatrist didn't believe there was anything wrong with me at all, and this psych is my "second opinion", so I think I'm stuck with her...

- My boyfriend has DID also and one of his alters attacked me a week ago, (already posted about this) freaked me out and one of my littles... His alters are under control most of the time, but it's the fact that this has the possibility of happening which still has me a little freaked. His alters are working to keep this particular alter under control however...

- I've just felt so lost a lot of today. I was suffering derealization for hours this morning, and I've just felt generally lost all day. The derealization is returning now, too. Usually I can cope with most of the things above but today it is just feeling too much for me. I think that's why the derealization has kicked in, to help with the fact I don't really feel like I'm coping with everything right about now. I'm currently at university on top of all of this, and being derealized in class just makes it absolutely impossible to follow what my lecturers have to say...

Sorry for the ramble, I just needed somewhere to get all this stuff out *sigh*. All my boyfriend has had to say all day is "at least the derealization will pass eventually" which is a ###$ load of help...

Kaz x

Feathers wrote: My psych doesn't appear to believe in DID. She says I'm either borderline or bipolar (I think I'm bipolar as well as DID) and thinks my alters are me making stuff up. It's not like I can just go get another psych either, I live in a country with a free health care system, which is awful, my first psychiatrist didn't believe there was anything wrong with me at all, and this psych is my "second opinion", so I think I'm stuck with her...

You live in the UK where I live. Are you restricted to the NHS? Is there any way you'd have funds to go elswhere? NHS & DID just do not go. I know.

by **Feathers** » Sat Jan 28, 2012 10:06 am

bourbon wrote:
Feathers wrote: My psych doesn't appear to believe in DID. She says I'm either borderline or bipolar (I think I'm bipolar as well as DID) and thinks my alters are me making stuff up. It's not like I can just go get another psych either, I live in a country with a free health care system, which is awful, my first psychiatrist didn't believe there was anything wrong with me at all, and this psych is my "second opinion", so I think I'm stuck with her...

You live in the UK where I live. Are you restricted to the NHS? Is there any way you'd have funds to go elswhere? NHS & DID just do not go. I know.

Unfortunately we don't really have the money to go elsewhere, or we would have years ago

.

Soph xxx

by **bourbon** » Sat Jan 28, 2012 11:57 am

Feathers wrote:Unfortunately we don't really have the money to go elsewhere, or we would have years ago .

Soph xxx

I'm sorry. It's really not right that you are fighting the stupid psychiatrists to get proper help. I'm sorry.

by **Feathers** » Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:35 pm

bourbon wrote:
Feathers wrote:Unfortunately we don't really have the money to go elsewhere, or we would have years ago .

Soph xxx

I'm sorry. It's really not right that you are fighting the stupid psychiatrists to get proper help. I'm sorry.

Thank you Bourbon. We are on the waiting list for psychotherapy... Hopefully the actual therapist will be more understanding...

Kaz x

Bit of a vent... (triggers SA/PA/SH)

Bit of a vent... (triggers SA/PA/SH)

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