Chameleon effect

Hi! I've had a little break again between my posts.

I just today figured out that there is a huge problem that has been affecting me and my relationships very severely... I call it the "chameleon effect" and I actually have a part called Chameleon. So this is certainly about her!

This part's job was to please outsiders, be exactly what they wanted and behave exactly they wanted me to behave. Only today I realized that she's still doing her job! I act exactly like people deep down want me to act - I please everyone all the time and in the process, I've completely wiped out my own personality. Chameleon makes me change my "colours" all the time and become something else, regarding the environment and people that are around me.

Tricky part is that I've done this with my boyfriend... I changed my colours so that I would be something he has always wanted to have in a girl. And now I'm already bitter. Bitter that I've lied to myself and bitter that he really thinks that this is me. The sad truth is that the girl she fell in love with does not exist! It's a mask, it's just fantasy made by me! And now I just want to...leave.

I feel very safe, calm like a sheep and submissive when Chameleon makes me behave like people want me to behave. And breaking the old habit causes panic and feeling of loosing the safety. I've realized that around my boyfriend I act and think very submissively, I'm calm and happy but when I'm alone, I rage and hate myself and him.

From the start, it's been Chameleon talking to him through me, not actually ME. I want to be honest to myself and stop Chameleon from putting the mask on my face over and over again. She has helped me like that in the past when environment was dangerous but this feature is not needed anymore on the present. It just causes terrible problems! I don't think that my feelings ever were real... It was Chameleon who started this and who kept this going.

Any wise words?

What you said about leaving your partner. That's ok to feel that. It's ok to do it.

Or if you want you could try becoming a bit more less chamelion-like and see how people take it. If they don't like the new you, they are free to leave. If your old friends are not a good fit for the new you then you'll find new friends. People change all the time in life. How many marriages break down, how many friendships fall by the wayside because "we've grown apart", "we want different things", "our lives just headed in different directions and we lost touch"?

I don't know how you can stop being a chamelion though. Exposure therapy maybe, for the anxiety? If you can gradually lose the fear, then maybe you can get back to being yourself. X

I'm making a little update here. My name's Attacker. I'm a protective part in this system.

Me, my Host and another part called "De" got rid of my Host's boyfriend - we chatted in a sophisticated manner and things didn't get ugly, even though I would've wanted to let them get such. Things are getting better now but not completely.

The biggest f**ing problem is that my Host got re-traumatized by these events. I'm pissed off over the ability to even measure it... All the things she did with her boyfriend were straigth from the past - she just repeated history with Chameleon and another part called "SH", which are both sabotaging our healing process by their actions!

My job in this system is to protect things like these happening! I failed in it and now we've got BIGGER job to do!! My Host decided NOT to listen to me or other parts after we had temporar integration few months ago. I do admit that we should've given her more information about it: she actually thought that it was permanent. But the bottom line is that SHE screwed up EXTREMELY BADLY!!!

My Host is NOT able to lead us for a while. I'd take the lead if I could but I'm not the right one for that job, but at least I can help the new host from repeating things like these! I'm pissed off to my Host, Chameleon and SH! If I could, I would force them to leave the whole system... They caused damage to all of us and now we've got even MORE healing to do!!

My head hurts from all of this and we've got a full blown war in the system... Everyone is accusing others and there is no communication between the parts. This is a disaster.

Does SH stand for Self-harm?

Parasprite wrote:Does SH stand for Self-harm?

Hello Parasprite. I'm Defender.

No, it's just a shortened name of the part! We sometimes use "cover names" for each part online and the real names outside the site (in real life).

My names are covered by SOPA

Hello Kerry H! This is Defender - I'm replying on her behalf.

Kerry H wrote:What you said about leaving your partner. That's ok to feel that. It's ok to do it.

My Host was very glad and relieved to hear those words! It eased her mind and she didn't feel as guilty as she did before. And I personally think that this was a very good reminder that there are in fact people who understand her and us. It seems to keep her going! (I don't get motivation from that myself but when my Host feels better, it affects us all.)

Kerry H wrote:Or if you want you could try becoming a bit more less chamelion-like and see how people take it. If they don't like the new you, they are free to leave. If your old friends are not a good fit for the new you then you'll find new friends. People change all the time in life. How many marriages break down, how many friendships fall by the wayside because "we've grown apart", "we want different things", "our lives just headed in different directions and we lost touch"?

I don't know how you can stop being a chamelion though. Exposure therapy maybe, for the anxiety? If you can gradually lose the fear, then maybe you can get back to being yourself. X

We have already started trying to be less "chameleon-like"! It is going to take very super tiny steps but I'm hopeful that we will someday get out true personality visible without the fear of getting rejected/hurt. It's very hard for her and for some certain parts to show our true skin so we're starting this very carefully to prevent possible panic attacks and re-traumatizing. The latter one is a BIG threat in this so this is VERY sensitive issue.

Thank you for your help! ^_^

If tiny steps don't work, try the wobbufet method
Hit that way ---->
Comes back that way<----
Goes back that way--->
Comes back<---
Goes back-->
Comes back<--
Goes back->
Comes back <-
And then stabilizes in the middle |

Hi, it's nice to meet you all. I hope you can get your system stabilized and get the communication back so you can all work together. X

Kerry H wrote:Hi, it's nice to meet you all. I hope you can get your system stabilized and get the communication back so you can all work together. X

Hi Kerry H! It's very nice to meet you too. ^_^

I'm the Host. Things have calmed down quite well and communication is starting to work again. Plenty of my parts are still asleep due to the temporary integration. Those parts just want to rest and be left alone, so we'll have to manage with smaller group. There's still almost complete lack of a leader/boss so things are very hectic.

After the breakup, me, Defender and another part wrote my ex-mate few emails and asked him not to contact us anymore. He was just too strong reminder of our past and it made us very unstable. We couldn't manage being around him so this was very healthy decision for all of us!

I just hope that this mistake will be soon forgiven and we can continue working together like before...