Memories, can't cope *triggers*

*WARNING - I'm gonna say this as best I can but there will be triggers about sexual abuse*

I don't know how this has happened, I don't know why they're sharing with me now out of the blue but I am starting to remember things and I don't like it and I don't know how to deal with it.

It started with a friend of the family talking about his Father who had abused his sister when they were younger. I felt terrified, I could feel Emmy and Jez shaking and crying and I had no idea what was happening. Every now and then the subject of Fathers hurting their daughters or my Father in general came up and the same thing happened. I didn't know what was going on. I hate my Father and I know he's a dick and that I'm terrified of him but I never knew why before.

Now all of a sudden out of the blue Emmy is sharing memories with me. Memories of him hitting us when we were small, making us take care of our newborn baby sister while he went off and did whatever he wanted to when our Mother was ill. Memories of us hiding under the bed, in the bathroom, in the wardrobe because we knew he would be coming for us. When he left and moved in with another woman he did the same thing to us just in a different house and no one ever knew. We only got things, books or food, when we had pleased him and if we refused or we cried he wouldn't let us eat.

Then Jez shared memories of a school trip to France that I know I went on but don't remember any of. We shared a room with a girl and 4 boys came in. She left, they locked the door and thought it would be fun to see 'who could ###$ the lesbian'. They touched us, took it in turns, violated us just like Father had.

Guys I don't want these memories. I don't know what to do with them. This is the most I can say about it, I can't even write down any more of what happened. The memories are getting clearer and there are more and more of them that just keep coming. Emmy and Jez are terrified, neither of them will come out because they're hiding. They won't even talk to me I can just feel their pain mixed in with mine. I'm falling apart. I can't stop cutting because it's the only way I know to deal with these feelings. What am I meant to do? I have no one to talk to about this, and I don't even know if anyone would believe me.

I just feel so numb and in so much pain at the same time, how is that even possible? I want to talk but I don't know how and I'm not in therapy or anything so all I have is a few friends and here. I don't even know what I'm asking or what I want... maybe I just needed to get it out I don't know. I have to hug myself at night because I feel like I'm going to fall apart if I don't.

Dark xx

Hey...

$#%^ I'm sorry. I'm not sure what else to say... But... someone is listening.

[R]

*hugs if wanted*

Sometimes it is good to just let it out and talk about it. It's also good to have a cry after you do.

I'm sorry this stuff happened to you. It isn't your fault. It's over now though and it is just there in memories. You already survived it. Now you just have to survive remembering.

I have no one to talk to about this, and I don't even know if anyone would believe me.

I believe you. I'm sorry you went through that.

I'm really sorry you're going through this

Perhaps those memories are flooding you now because something or someone inside of you thought that you were strong enough and ready to know. If that might be the case, it might help to be thankful to whatever part of you believed in you enough to share.

Pain is not an easy thing to bear. Built up pain and anguish from years of not being felt is just overwhelming and excruciating. But if pain is allowed to be felt and given it's place often times it can lead to healing. I know this may sound trite, but pushing it away and avoiding it only makes it worse (at least that is my experience). Cutting may help relieve some of that pain temporarily, but it will come back.

Sometimes I find it helpful to write in a journal, scream, hit something, and then distract myself. I give myself the time to feel the horror and then try to "put it away", promising to return to it at a specific time. Also, if the little ones are crying and scared perhaps providing them with love and comfort as you would another child might just provide you with some soothing.

In any case, you are being heard. These are just some thoughts from what I've been through, and my apologies if they aren't quite right. I hope you find some relief soon...

I don't know if I can. It's like it's all happening again. Every time someone even comes near me I'm freaking out, shaking and having a panic attack. Yet even with the pain I still feel numb, I can't seem to cry however much I want to. The main protector of the system is trying to take over so I don't do something stupid but I just can't let her, I don't feel safe letting one of them takeover constantly even if it would be a good idea.

You make sense, I know you do and I keep writing in my journal but I can't seem to get it all out. I'm trying to let Emmy and Jez know I love them and tthat we're not in danger any more it's just so difficult. I thought I had dealt with most of my past and put it behind me, and now here come these things I wasn't even aware of. It's like I've gone back to being 16 again when I was just starting to wwork tthrough things. What makes things worse is that I have to talk to my Father tomorrow on the phone and he wants me to go bback for a visit soon. I keep putting it off but now I feel physically sick when I think about talking him let alone seeing him.

I guess it's just a lot to take at once. I wish I could tell my friend but I don't even know how I would begin to try.

Don't answer the phone tomorrow! Don't go.

As for the flashbacks, I try to ground myself when they happen. A simple thing like tapping a finger and focusing on that finger hitting the table does wonders. Then I wiggle my toes and focus on it. Then I name 10 things in the room. Something like that may help you. It doesn't work for body memories for me though, sadly.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough night. I may be just some unknown person in another part of the world behind a fake name and a keyboard, but I'm thinking about you and I care. I hope you stay safe tonight and that the flashbacks stop.

Please be safe.

Thank yyou ashes, it helps to know that there are people here and I will ttry your suggestions. I don't kknow what body memories are, so far I've only had flashbacks and sometimes I get these things like are kinda like cold shivers but they go on anywhere between a few seconds and a few minutes. I can't control my body when they happen and I get these really sstrong waves of emotions.

For tonight I'm gonna try playing on the xbox, see if I can lose myself in the game so I don't cut again or anything worse. Thank you again for your support, everyone.

DarkenedAngel wrote:For tonight I'm gonna try playing on the xbox, see if I can lose myself in the game so I don't cut again or anything worse.

I think that is a great idea. Sometimes we need distractions, and this sounds like a healthy one.

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I don't understand fully what you're going through, so I won't pretend I have great advice or anything because I don't. I do understand what it is like to feel like the trauma is still occurring, that it is not in the past, and that it is bigger than anything and everything. However, amidst all the feelings and emotions, please try to remember the fact that he can't hurt you again. You were helpless before. Now you are strong, even though you may not feel that way right now.

We are here to support you.

Definitely DON'T answer the phone when your father calls and don't go and visit him. That sounds like an unsafe thing for you to be doing. Even if he won't directly abuse you now you are a little bit older, it will cause you to feel awful because of what he's done in the past and you deserve better than that.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through. It is really awful and he and those other boys should never have done any of that stuff to you. That was so wrong of them. You deserve to be safe and respected and they completely violated that and that is wrong of them.

In terms of coping with the memories, I find that giving myself small amounts of time to feel it a bit and then focussing on grounding myself and distracting myself works best. If I'm having flashbacks, I just work on grounding myself. I find clapping a couple of times out loud helps me because I can focus on the noise. Also I like to like a scented candle and focus on the smell. Or take my shoes off and focus on the feeling of running my feet through the carpet. Basic grounding techniques like that can really help sometimes...

Don't go. I had this conundrum over christmas. I went but I put the traumatised one, Kerry, in a bubble before I went, with the help of a friend. If you can get out of it do. For everyone inside who is struggling with this chaos. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.