Doing nothing

So...I'm not even sad about this. Just recognizing it.

I do nothing. I go to work, I hang out with one friend. I am trying to branch out and make other friends but it's not working. Too much anxiety.

I should be in school. I'm 23. I should have a car. I just ride a bike. I am not doing anything challenging. I am just coasting on by.

I am afraid. I am afraid of financial trouble. If I get a car, does that mean I won't be able to pay my rent and I'll end up homeless and living in the car? And what about driving by myself. Won't that be scary?

School. I have to return in the fall. But I'm afraid I'll start a new major and realize I hate it...again. Sometimes I want to be therapist, other times a nurse, other times a EMT, other times a manager at the grocery store I work at. A teacher maybe but I couldn't discipline. I learned that working at a daycare.

So I am doing nothing. I am surviving. I don't want a boyfriend. I just want friends. But I'm afraid of them. Guy at work I gave my number to asked me why I'm a tomboy, I'm so pretty I should have long hair and wear pretty clothes. He made it sound like I'm going to waste. But I like being a tomboy. If that means I never get married so be it. My sister married at my age. I probably never will. I am just not comfortable with sexuality anymore. There was a time when I loved it. Now the thought of kissing someone makes me cringe.

can anyone relate? The only emotional instability I have nowadays is anxiety and sadness. No more anger. No fear. I feel quite worthless sometimes. I say this with a straight face.

Sometimes surviving is all you can do. (Emphasize do) It takes a lot of emotional energy to get through life and doing one or two things well is better than doing a hundred things mediocre. imho. The western media makes it seem like all of life should be filled to the brim with activity. Why? Isn't it saying something to have time to smell the roses.

I hear you say that you are being stopped in some cases by fear. That's legit. But instead of tackling all those fears at once, maybe you can focus on one thing. Either getting back into classes (who cares if you change majors a hundred times? What's the big rush?) or getting a car or meeting one new person. You don't have to do it all at once.

And if that guy doesn't like your personal style, well there's plenty of people out there who will, so if he makes those remarks again, put him in his place and remind him that he's not the fashion police!

If you don't want a relationship right now, don't force it. Just focus on the things you do want and the other will probably fall into line. I never was into the dating scene and though sometimes I feel out of touch with some of my friends, I still have plenty of friends who feel just like me and we're almost 40. It's ok. Some people just march to the beat of a different drummer (not all people like the same music so don't force yourself into relationships just to fit in, that brings it's own kind of misery - you're the only one who can decide which has more reward).

Eileen

hun you are being hard on yourself. You are doing just fine. I am a tomboy and I am married. So you will find a person who loves you for who you are and doesn't want you to be what they want you to be. But you don't need that now so don't worry about it.

You are 23 and in my opinion doing what a 23 year old should be doing. Finding their way, finding who they are. The last thing you want is to rush into a career, marriage, family and find out in your 30s you did it for the wrong reason.

You are doing just fine. Pat yourself on the back and keep going,

Sam

Don't worry about any of this. You aren't merely surviving, you are working hard on healing yourself, sorting yourself out, finding out who you really are, both separately and collectively. School can wait, and I suggest it should wait. If you don't absolutely need a car, don't get one. I was older than you are now when I got my first car. I got it only because I moved to a rural area with no public transportation, but even then I mostly got around on a bicycle.

Are you living alone?

Most women with DID present as androgenous. Most of us have issues of sexual identity and sexual orientation. That's to be expected if we have opposite sex alters. All of mine are oriented to men but some are male themselves so my sexual identity is uncertain.

As for the guy at work who wants you to be someone else, well that's his problem not yours. Pass on him.

Una+ wrote:Are you living alone?

No. I have 3 roommates. I isolate so much though I might as well be living alone

InfinitD wrote:And if that guy doesn't like your personal style, well there's plenty of people out there who will, so if he makes those remarks again, put him in his place and remind him that he's not the fashion police!

That's good. I'll say that

SamsLand wrote:you are being hard on yourself

story of my life.

Una+ wrote:Most women with DID present as androgenous. Most of us have issues of sexual identity and sexual orientation. That's to be expected if we have opposite sex alters. All of mine are oriented to men but some are male themselves so my sexual identity is uncertain.

Well that certainly causes problems! I don't feel like I have alters, but I can definitely say I feel like I have a boy self. Sexual identity and sexual orientation problems...I long for the day when these will be in the past. Or at least a day when I feel safe enough to bring these problems up in therapy.

Well that certainly causes problems! I don't feel like I have alters, but I can definitely say I feel like I have a boy self. Sexual identity and sexual orientation problems...I long for the day when these will be in the past. Or at least a day when I feel safe enough to bring these problems up in therapy.

Take your time hun, there is no rush. One day at a time.

Sam

I think I understand what you mean and how you feel. I wish I had some words or wisdom, but we live much the way you do. I don't know how to make it better, but I wanted to offer some encouragment to you.

Your life isn't nothing. You hold a job which is good, I can't do that. Maybe aim for manager? Then with your extra wages you could go to evening college after work to get qualified for another career if you want.

Cycling is better for the environment and healthier for you than driving, so I see that as a good choice too.

Maybe start talking to your housemates a little? You want friends and it's easier to start with people you already have. You could build up to going out to lunch all together once a month or something. Is there a support group for people with anxiety near you? If you joined you might make friends and the people there won't mind if you get in a panic. I go to an art group for people with mental illness and it's good because I can go there whatever state I'm in, not like my other friends where I have to pretend to be fine/normal so if I can't then I can't go.

That guy and his comment. Men sometimes need reminding we wasn't put on the planet for them to look at! We are people not ornaments and we have more purposes in life than just to attract a man. I only want a boyfriend if I can get to know him first to see if he's the right person, but I find most men don't want that they want someone who will sleep with them almost right away. So I'm going to be an old woman with cats instead! X

Kerry H wrote:That guy and his comment. Men sometimes need reminding we wasn't put on the planet for them to look at! We are people not ornaments and we have more purposes in life than just to attract a man. I only want a boyfriend if I can get to know him first to see if he's the right person, but I find most men don't want that they want someone who will sleep with them almost right away. So I'm going to be an old woman with cats instead! X

Love it! Replace cats with dogs and I'm right there with ya. This is so true about how guys need to be reminded of that sometimes. Because that's exactly how he was making me feel. Like I was a special, beautiful ornament, placed at the back of the Christmas tree. Well maybe I'm not the ornament! Maybe I'm the tree! And maybe I prefer to stay in the woods all bare and boring as opposed to being chopped down and stuck in the living room surrounded by arguing humans and cats trying to climb up me all the time! Not to mention no sleep because of all the damn lights they'll put on me and an early death when they chuck me out on the side of the road where I'll rot and get picked up by the junk man who will chuck me into the incinerator or the wood chopper and I'll turn into air polution. I choose the woods.

That's a good idea about the support group...I'll consider this. There are groups like that at my school, but I can't enroll till fall. So I'll look around.

SheWhoMustNotBeNamed wrote: I don't know how to make it better, but I wanted to offer some encouragment to you.

Thank you! And thanks again Samsland and everyone who replied