Seeing through an Alter

Lately, as Ive been exploring the frustration of work issues by writing about them. Ive had some healing. its a real wonderful thing to write. ITs as if my alters are watching this as well and wondering if its OK to come out..

Im watching my alters watch their PTSD movies. Im watching Alters that cant speak, but desperately feel, and want me to explain to the world the stitches they received by abuse and being a throw away. I could never fight back or talk when I was certain alters.I just wanted to be noticed and loved. I wanted a family. I wanted a real friend. I finally gave up..

Im noticing now as I look at work issues, First: Trauma stopped development. I zoned severally. Way Way out their at a pre adolescent age. 9 to 11. Amnesia. THen, All stopped. Im a very sensitive person. I never came back except a few years 14 to 16. Was re-hurt again. I never came back...

My Alters are watching PTSD reruns of their ruined lives. Interestingly is the perspective Im taking. These Alters are staring at me, and wanting me to watch with them, not next to them, some what close to them. Im a bit to the right looking down the same tunnel, watching what happened to them from a safe place. Its fascinating, Its O so sad. Its helping me know what happened to me through all of those years of dissociative amnesia.
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Im strangely interested in more street DJ bicycling. THis is a developmental thing for guys in their pre teens to early teens to middle teens.. about 10 to 15. Im noticing this to be a natural thing. Its fascinating and unreal, yet, it feels great, it feels like the me that would have moved forward at that age of trauma.. Im almost 50 years old and Im going to get a street hard-tail trick bike. Note, Im a mountain biker in great shape.. Ive been riding for about 12 years. So, its not that far fetched.. The point is , the alters are moving. Moving forward in curiosity away from the original traumas they experience. THis is a new strength for me..

Almost all of my life in one form or another has been Amnesia. It is a horribly large part of my dissociative condition... Much more then any other part. The PTSD is horribly painful and severe, as well as the suicidal consequences of dissociative disorder. D.I.D seems deep and strong guided. However, I seem to have about 4 other parts to me. Not 250..!!! like some ive read about.

This is telling me the Alters are helping me, showing me , Showing me themselves and wanting to help constructively. This is a place of compete blindness to me. As it opens , its all new..

OMNICELL wrote:Im almost 50 years old and Im going to get a street hard-tail trick bike.

I approve. You'll have fun. Have you read Robert Oxnam's memoir? He took up street roller skating.

Here's a CBS news interview with Oxnam: link