Do I have DID?

brandic wrote:Do most people not think many thoughts at the same time?

I asked my therapist about this and he said no. I got him to try to explain to me how it sounds inside his head when he is thinking and the way he described it, it sounds like it was very focussed on one thing at a time and sounded like it must be kind of.... quiet


Tightrope, welcome to the forum. I think it is good that you are here and attempting to learn more about your experiences and how to help yourself. I can certainly relate to a lot of what you said about your experiences. I think you expressed yourself very articulately. I think sometimes it can be difficult to explain what you are going through, but you did a really good job. I hope you stick around to talk more here...

brandic wrote:Una - Do most people not think many thoughts at the same time?

Apparently not. Not in the way we do.

Here are some examples of how my multiple lines of thought manifest on the outside. Last week I had just begun telling my therapist something about Alter 5 when suddenly I loudly interrupted myself, saying "[Alter 2] says . . ." The rest of the session was monopolized by Alter 2. During some of that time I was reporting out loud what Alter 2 was saying inside, but other times I was thinking my own thoughts while Alter 2 talked out loud. And my husband says I frequently respond out loud to internal conversations that I am not fully aware of having. I will be setting the table and thinking about the last steps of preparing dinner when he and I both hear me say something like "Why not?"

My professional work is very cognitive. When I am focused on my work, it does seem as if my mind is very clear and apart from my thoughts it is all quiet inside my head.

brandic - thank you for your reply. Do you know why my therapist would mention integrating? I really thought that compartmentalizing was a good thing, and I really like to be able to dissociate, but do wish I didn't do it so much... but when I stop myself (which I usually can, but not always), I get depressed and suicidal. I feel like such a mess. I hate being in my head, but I hate being in reality, too. I don't know if I want to lose the ability to compartmentalize or dissociate, if I can't do those anymore I'm not sure I'll be ok. My therapist mentioned one client with DID, but I don't know his full experience. I do know he's an expert in the field on repression and he wrote a chapter in a book on dissociation and repression. He also went to an awesome college and has a lot of his work published. Overall I feel like he's a wonderful therapist and I don't doubt his ability to treat me. This is the first time in my life I've felt I found someone who *could* help me, and the first time I've felt like I could trust someone enough to let them know the significant amount of crazy going on in my head. Frankly, I'm not willing to switch therapists even if someone else might be better qualified to deal with me. My therapists presence comforts me in much the same way as my best friend's presence does.


salted lipstick - thank you! My therapist has said a few times that my writing is very poetic and deep, which amuses me because I hated the poetry sections in my college English classes. I just cannot imagine my head being quiet. When I was younger it was more like racing thoughts and chaos, but now it's not quite that noisy in there. Silent would be maddening!


Una - thanks for sharing... I can't exactly relate to what you shared, but it's helpful to me to know what's going on in other brains.

Tightrope wrote:Do you know why my therapist would mention integrating? I really thought that compartmentalizing was a good thing, and I really like to be able to dissociate

Integration is a common objective in therapy plans for DID. Integrating does not mean giving up the use of compartmentalization or dissociation.

I guess I'm just failing to see what there is to integrate if my T wasn't talking about my compartments (which is my ability to compartmentalize). I wasn't feeling very strong with the holidays and everything, but I see him again the first week of the New Year and I'm going to ask him some hard questions then... like: How crazy am I? What do you think is wrong with me? How do we fix me? is nursing school a bad choice for me considering the mess in my head? How long until I am "better" and by better I mean **Trigger** not thinking of dying all the time, not wanting to slice myself open constantly, not wondering if my kids would be ok if I killed myself, not WANTING to dissociate to escape my real life and my real feelings?

Today: We are taking down Christmas decorations. My home in in chaos and my brain keeps trying to shut down. My children aren’t doing what they are asked to do, and it’s been a constant battle. I am so worn down that it’s hard to keep up enough mental energy to continue encouraging them to do the right thing. I’ve accepted that I cannot do this myself, but I really need the people around me to do their part. If they don’t I have to carry everyone’s responsibility on my shoulders and my balance and strength are already severely compromised. If they don’t do it, I have to. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done and my home remains in chaos. Chaos breeds chaos and chaos shuts me down. It’s a vicious cycle.

Possible Triggers...



My mother is a hoarder, she keeps everything. Her attic and basement are scary packed with stuff from my past. I simply cannot go into her home without having flashbacks and my head doing all sorts of crazy things.... so I don't go there. She comes here. She doesn't get why I don't go there, but I don't.

Anyways, a few years ago she went through some old boxes and found some of my old dolls. She gave them to my daughter. I thought it was ok. I was ok. Until today. I'm cleaning my daughter's room, and in her closet under a lot of other things are two dolls that were mine. This is the first time I've come across them since I started therapy and I don't think I was prepared for the flood of emotions I got just holding them and looking at them. The one doll especially - I am certain she was with me for at least some of my abuse, I used to carry her everywhere. I just held her, rocked her and cried. I took my old dolls and put them in my bed. They are covered up and being taken care of. I'm a mess. I've been having a really hard time lately anyways, but this just really got to me.

It doesn't help that my mom told me yesterday that she has a big bin full of my old barbie dolls and barbie stuff in her attic for my daughter... all I could think is that when I was playing with those barbies I was making them have sex and hurt each other. I hid them under blankets and in shoe boxes but if she would have just paid attention... if she would have just noticed... maybe she would have seen my pain.

I don't want the barbies in my home. I have tried telling her that they remind me too much of my past, but it's hard for a hoarder to accept that you want something thrown away, even if it's for a good reason. She just doesn't understand.

My heart is screaming loudly right now.

Some of the same feelings here.

Can you arrange to go to your mother's house to pick up the dolls? Maybe with a friend who is in the know? If you can manage it, let your mother know when you are coming so she can get them out and look at them herself one last time, then when you come give some reason why you cannot take time to look at them with her. Then take them directly to a thrift shop or charity donation bin. That is, if you don't feel the dolls are full of negative energy. If they have negative energy, you may need to do some kind of cleansing ritual.

I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling with those triggers. I think Una's idea of taking them to a charity shop is a good idea, that way you won't need to have them in your home, constantly facing them everyday.

The Barbie dolls should be burned. Negative energy is putting it very mildly. Plus, they are caked in decades of smoke and dust and pet stuff. No child should be forced to "play" with them.

I slept with my dolls last night. I cried myself to sleep as I clutched them. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm a grown woman with children. I'm too old to be sleeping with dolls.

I need to avoid this thread for a while. But I can manage to say that I hear you.