Do I have DID?

My therapist has brought up DID or being on the dissociative spectrum a couple of times, I keep telling him I don't have DID, there's just "me", but he's having me journal (I think to find triggers, but I can't seem to find any), and the more I pay attention the more I'm questioning myself.

Here's a couple of things though... I don't lose time (not exactly), there aren't different people in me (just me), I remember a lot of early/childhood abuse... but... what has me questioning is that I always refer to myself as "parts" like "the logical part of me" or "the mother in me" or "the planner in me" or "the morbid part of me", and while I don't lose time, I do space out - sometimes for a long time - but I'm always where I am... I don't go shopping and not fully remember, I don't find things in my home I didn't buy etc. I am always dissociating at least a little unless I am forcing myself not to.

Here are a couple of journal entries ---- possibly triggering --- be careful!

Mildly dissociating = Not fully aware in the moment, but interacting and can sometimes recall details, like a nosy but deaf fly on the wall, or like I'm watching something happen from the other side of a moving train, so I KNOW what's going on, but I don't seem to be participating in it. Sometimes it’s like everything is a movie of my life

"Sunday: husband took the kids out for the day, watching oatmeal cook in microwave, when the timer beeped I snapped out of it to find a big mess in the microwave. I cleaned it up and tried again, this time making sure to stop myself. I sat down to try to catch up on some favorite TV shows and… … my oatmeal is cold. I ran some errands (mildly dissociating), watched a movie with husband and the kids, get everyone to bed and passed out.

M: Running errands (mildly dissociating), getting the house ready for holiday visitors (mildly dissociating, being very forgetful from one room to the next, not remembering what I am doing or what I went in that room for), evening business with kids (mild, very frequent & brief- just seconds, almost constantly being pulled away then pulled back), after the kids were in bed I tried to dissociate, I was feeling very depressed and wanted to escape. Overwhelming sadness. Finally settled on reading and was able to dissociate then."

So... when I disappear - I go to a place where I am watching early childhood abuse happen on an old film reel, I can sit there forever just watching these tapes play over and over. It's not a calm and peaceful place. My therapist says I am passively re-traumatizing myself by doing this, but when I don't dissociate a lot and I am in reality a lot I get incredibly depressed and think about ending my life a lot - so I like to dissociate even though it takes me to a dark place.

Here's another thing from my journal "I’ve also realized that I dissociate a lot when I’m reading. I guess I always knew it, but I’m paying more attention now and it’s a very strange experience… I know I’m reading – I see the words, I feel my eyes following the words, I sense my brain processing them, but I don’t know what I’m reading and my thoughts are on other things. If I want to know what I read I have to re-read it (and I recall the details as I’m re-reading them), and prevent myself from dissociating which usually gives me a headache. I’ve also noticed that while this is going on, I might be thinking about several different things at once. Like this: I’m reading, mildly dissociating, thinking about wording for an email I need to send for work (and other responsibilities in that role), and thinking how good it would feel to slice my arms open and let the pain pour out and thinking then how scary that would be for my kids and singing ‘Blackbird’ all at the same time. I know I do this a lot, but I’ve never paid attention to it or put words to it before." Is this just thinking, or is this DID's "internal dialogue"?

Everyone has parts, right? Everyone thinks about a lot of things at the same time, right?

Also, when I'm at home alone I'm sad & depressed, but when I'm working with small children I'm happy and playful, and when I'm with adults I'm serious and witty, and when I'm with my kids I'm kind and nurturing... this is NORMAL - right?


Or do I have DID?

Help me

I cannot tell you for sure if you have d.I.d. but I can tell you a lot of your entroes sound a lot like how my mind works. I can finish a whole novel and not recal a word or detail about the book (for example harry potter or twilight.) Then I will go to see the movie and know exactly what the differences between the book and the movie. Upon rereading the book I will remember it clearly. I often will do something like mail a letter and forget that I have mailed it. Your inner dialog sound somewhat similar to mine. However I have the ability to trace emotions I am feeling to whatever dialog is presently talking also there is more of a solid base for each, I can feel a presents of someone with me. Sometimes its things I don't feel are my feelings or aditude. It feels foreign to me. Sometimes I feel someone staring at me. Or I feel like I'm sinking deep into my mind but my body takes on by itself. It was only after I started questionging the thing I heard in my thoughs that I started to get responces that were not my own. The more I comunicated the more I learn about each part and the more theses parts started to feel separate from my self. But there are different levels of separation. You may not have full fledged separate alters like I do, that doesn't mean you dissociate any less then I do and I don't lose very much time either. I think the best thing to do is to keep on recording things. Keep a note on how old you feel when different parts are avalible. I know when my little ones are around I start to feel like a child I will forvet how to do things like tie my shoes and I start playing with toys. I remember doing some of this but its as if I'm watching from far away or from inside. Then when they leave I lose interest in the toys and its harder to remember what I was just doing. My little ones love candy so I'm usually coming down off a sugar high lol

Hi tightrope, this sounds very difficult for you. It is hard not knowing. but what is good is that is seems you are getting to know you, noticing well when you are dissociating. I'm not a professional and barely into accepting what I think is DID but more or less dissociated egos states (no loss of time, rather we are co-conscious). But what i think is that youa re clearly dissociating. did your T elaborate on why he thought it might be DID and not only dissociation? I think most of us feel our alters talking to us, no that we are just talking to ourselves. as well, mine and have specific ages and genders and characters which are not really shared.

Also, when I'm at home alone I'm sad & depressed, but when I'm working with small children I'm happy and playful, and when I'm with adults I'm serious and witty, and when I'm with my kids I'm kind and nurturing... this is NORMAL - right?

This is very normal for ppl with DID and people who don;t have it. I think this is an essential and beautiful part of being human is to be able to connect and engage with ppl in different ways. If you feel like you are you when doing all of these things, with the same sense of self and desires and dreams, I'd think you don;'t have DID but more of a dissociative disorder going on. But if you feel these states are very different and represent different selves then maybe you want to pursue the idea a bit more. It took me a long time to accept it and I still am in a certain state of denial. but take it slow and explore as much as you are ready for. You are in control of this process and you don't need to rush it. It also sounds like you are a multi-tasker so a wandering mind is certainly part of the deal.

Either way I would still focus on your dissociation and the trauma you are reliving. This must be awful for you and for whatever reason your self wants to deal with it because you keep popping it up .

Take care,
Sam

As others have said tightrope, you have done an EXCELLENT job at describing how your brain works...and mine works so similarly. I call them "videos" but I like your description better. The videos can play over and over in my head sometimes. For me, they are not videos of abuse, but actually just videos of anything that has caused any kind of stress for me;usually therapy sessions. A session with my therapist will play over and over again until it seems like all the different "parts" of me have gotten their chance at talking to her. It's like I edit out my adult self and put in my teenager self. Or my little girl self. OR the other way around. But like you, it's NEVER a peaceful experience. Nothing that makes me feel happy. Another example, is I can imagine a conversation going differently with my boss. I say something very strong and not passive like usual. But then in my fantasy, he fires me or yells at me, etc.

I think of myself in different parts all the time too, but never talk like this in therapy because I'm scared of being diagnosed with a DD. I try to steer clear of all that terminology in sessions. I wish I had the courage to be more authentic like you!

And same with the layers of thoughts. I'm amazed how sometimes I can have a song playing in my head, be thinking of a therapy session, and be reading at the same time! It doesn't happen very often to me but it does happen.

And the forgetting things...cold oatmeal...boy can I relate to that! How many times have I made coffee and forgotten about it completely? And I am a very avid coffee drinker, so that's odd for me! I have to stay in the kitchen while I'm cooking, otherwise I'll probably set the house on fire.

So...I guess what I'm trying to say with all this talk about myself is that I relate to what you wrote. I can't tell you whether or not you have a DD, lol I can't even figure out whether or not I have one. I will say, though, that it seems like your on the right forum here. These kinds of dissociative experiences are very similar to what a lot of people here, myself included, experience a lot. So I hope you stick around, and I hope you figure yourself(ves?) out soon!!!

Tightrope wrote:Everyone has parts, right? Everyone thinks about a lot of things at the same time, right?

Everyone has parts. Apparently not everyone thinks a lot of things at the same time. Your parts sound more dissociated than most, and you are describing losing time (your troubles with the oatmeal). That is enough right there to diagnosis you with a dissociative disorder. Whether it is DID or not depends on what is going on while you are losing time: are you trancing out ("lights are on but nobody home") or is another part of you sitting there wondering who forgot about their oatmeal?

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I was reading back through my journal and wanted to add this here: "I don’t want to be a burden on other people, I don’t want to bring people down, or have people disrupt their lives to worry or care about (or for) me.

I like to give a positive impression, but it’s a mostly true impression. I am kind, generous, helpful, etc. If I showed the world what was in my head (it’s scary in there), I’m not sure what would happen. So, to be able to effectively raise my children (and do it better than most!) and mostly function, I hide that part of me, it goes into compartments that get buried under safer, more relevant compartments. Every day I feel like I’m being pushed onto a tightrope carrying my past in my left hand and my kids’ future in my right hand. Sometimes there’s a strong wind. There is never a safety net.

My defenses are high. I have a lot of walls I put up; sometimes they are the only things keeping the wind from knocking me off of the tightrope.

I do use restraint, and I behave with situationally appropriate behavior (which I thought was called using good social skills). I admit, I never know how to act and have to watch other people and take social cues. I always thought this was because I didn’t have any good examples of proper socialization/etiquette when I was growing up.

My memory of my past is very good. I know there are things I am not remembering, but it’s not for lack of trying; I replay memories and search for new information every time. I need to make sense of what happened to me. From what I read it seems as if repressors unconsciously forget memories and have amnesia of traumatic events as a result. Is it because my family was fairly open about the abuse once it was reported (even though it continued for years afterwards) that I am able to easily recall it? What about some of the other negative experiences (traumas?) in my life? Some were never reported to anyone, just carried in their own compartments. Is my ability to compartmentalize the same thing as suppressing since I can put entire sections of my life in boxes to store for later, and then not consciously think about them?"

Also...

"I was able to get some more history from her (my mom): I apparently always told very big lies and lived in a fantasy world when I was younger. I’d tell teachers that I had a baby sister or that I was pregnant or that I was working and supporting my mom or that I was an only child or that I was homeless. I don’t remember any of this, but it was in that time period from when I was 12-16 and using a lot of drugs, and then again from the time I was 18-19ish and attending college for the first time. I was also inpatient at a mental health facility – I knew I was there, but I thought it was just a few days after a suicide attempt when I was 16, she said I was there over a month (!). Then a few months later I was back there for 2 weeks - I don't remember any of this"

Is that lost time, or is that a poor memory? I haven't had anything like that happen (that I'm aware of) in at least a decade, other than being extremely forgetful, but mostly just getting up to get something and forgetting what it was right away. I rely very heavily on my phone to remind me about appointments and things I'm supposed to be doing. Nothing gets done otherwise.

My therapist said a few weeks ago after I was talking about compartmentalizing he said "you need to reintegrate", and I was familiar with the concept, but quickly changed the subject. I'm so confused.





chibixal - Thank you for saying all of that. I just feel so confused and crazy all the time, it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone. Were you *always* able to trace emotions to a more solid base? or is that something that came with time and practice? I do not feel like anyone is with me, I feel starkly alone.


***** Possible triggers ****** I changed the color to white, highlight the blank area to read it...

Sam - My therapist said the same thing, that the trauma I am reliving all the time needs to be dealt with, but we don't really seem to be doing that at all and I don't know why. Well, I guess I do know why but I can't imagine things changing if we just ignore it all. When I started to think/talk "my first memory was..." my body got cold, my head started spinning, I had pain/burning in my genital area and I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't finish the sentence and I was shaking. As far as the same sense of self/dream etc. I don't know... when I'm with little kids I want to be a preschool teacher, I get consumed with their energy and innocence and I feel so safe and happy, when I'm with adults I want to be a nurse, when I'm in therapy I want to be a psychologist - I'm currently a student and getting ready for nursing school, I figure with that degree in hand if I get bored with any of those I can work with kids, or in psych or in surgery or wherever I want. I couldn't think of any other degree I could easily do that with.

dividedtruth89 - I do that too, with therapy and conversations and everything - I replay it until I process it all and then it's discarded, but my abuse memories stay, no matter how much I process them in my head.

Una - like with the oatmeal, I think it's just spacing out. I don't have any recollection of any memory of wondering whose oatmeal it is.

-- Fri Dec 23, 2011 2:12 pm --

Oh, another thing! possible self-harm trigger - changed to white again

When I MUST stay present, like when I'm in therapy or a parent/teacher conference or in class - I scrape my hands or nails or pinch my skin with my nails constantly to keep from dissociating. I have a history of cutting myself with razors and I'm not doing that anymore, but I have to hurt myself to stay present.

Tightrope wrote:Una - like with the oatmeal, I think it's just spacing out. I don't have any recollection of any memory of wondering whose oatmeal it is.

Unfortunately, you would be the last to know what was going on while you were absent.

Tightrope wrote:When I MUST stay present, like when I'm in therapy or a parent/teacher conference or in class - I scrape my hands or nails or pinch my skin with my nails constantly to keep from dissociating. I have a history of cutting myself with razors and I'm not doing that anymore, but I have to hurt myself to stay present.

Me too...I don't know what would happen if I didn't. My therapist has a geode rock in the play room that I jab into my fingers. (The sharp, diamond like part of the rock.)

Sam - My therapist said the same thing, that the trauma I am reliving all the time needs to be dealt with, but we don't really seem to be doing that at all and I don't know why. Well, I guess I do know why but I can't imagine things changing if we just ignore it all. As far as the same sense of self/dream etc. I don't know... when I'm with little kids I want to be a preschool teacher, I get consumed with their energy and innocence and I feel so safe and happy, when I'm with adults I want to be a nurse, when I'm in therapy I want to be a psychologist -

I hear ya. I know how this feels. For me I was raised by narcissists so I am tend to be a container for their emotions. But the positive side of that is I absorb the energy and emos and moods of the ppl around me so I can sometimes be very different things with different types of ppl. I think it is ok and you shoudl view this as a positive attribute.

When I MUST stay present, like when I'm in therapy or a parent/teacher conference or in class - I scrape my hands or nails or pinch my skin with my nails constantly to keep from dissociating. I have a history of cutting myself with razors and I'm not doing that anymore, but I have to hurt myself to stay present.

I know this all to well too. Lately i've had to really focus to stay in the conversation. I was talking to a colleague yesterday and I made myself do these really weird things to keep from dissociating. I hope he didn't notice!

Hang in there and keep talking it out here. It really helps.

Take care
Sam

Hi tightrope,

That's a great username by the way. I just wanted to tell you I can relate very much to a lot of what you describe. I can't really go into much detail at the moment, I'm not in the best place to do that, but I wanted to just share that you are not alone in being confused and not knowing what these symptoms mean or where they come from. As others have probably already said, it seems obvious that you are dissociative, and most likely have some sort of dissociative disorder. It doesn't seem obvious to me that you have DID, although please don't take this the wrong way, it is definitely a possibility. For people who are on the dissociative spectrum, the DID diagnosis can be quite elusive and very confusing trying to figure out if that's exactly what you have. For myself, and most of the therapists I've seen (even those who specialize in trauma and dissociative disorders), I've gotten a diagnosis of DDNOS rather than DID. Only one diagnosed me DID and I believe she was mistaken. However, my symptoms are very much like someone with DID. I just don't have the clear cut alters. I have very compartmentalized parts and feelings and thoughts and voices (in my head). Just because I have this doesn't mean I have DID. Just because I feel like different people sometimes doesn't mean I have DID. I would try to take it slow, and work with what you have at the moment. As someone who spent many months in agony trying to figure out the answer to whether I have DID or not, I would say be open, be curious, don't try to force the answer, and I think you'll figure it out in time.

Does your therapist have a lot of experience treating people with DID? That is a big key in determining how accurate his/her diagnosis can be.

Una - Do most people not think many thoughts at the same time?