Childhood not as bad

I always think I'm being dramatic when I think of having DDNOS or possible DID which I don't think I have. My childhood either wasn't as bad as I think it should have been for me to develop something like this but then again there's always things I may not know. I have heard many things from various family members about my moms temper and I actually do remember those things. To other people she could have been considered physcially and emotionally abusive but to me it was normal because I knew nothing else. I'm told by my aunt who practically raised me too that when I was a baby my mom would be frustrated and give me nyquil in my bottle and put me in my crib, shut the door and turn the radio up loud. She was always dragging me and brother around, stressed out all the time but when she found my stepdad after her second failed marriage (my brother and I have different dads) she calmed down a little. Big emphasis on little lol. I can remember things when I was a kid that now that I'm an adult seem very strange like, letting me watch movies where toys come to life and kill and people and then getting me a porcelien doll collection things like that. A lot of other things too but maybe I'll get into that some other time. I don't really know what I'm looking for but its so nice to talk of these things. I feel evil and like such a bad person when I feel like I'm blaming my mom for the way I am but I don't know.

There are some cases of DID or DDNOS where the person has had no physical or emotional abuse of any kind. It sounds like you were neglected as a kid; maybe that affected you more than you think. Don't blame yourself or think that you're a bad person! You didn't give yourself DDNOS. Something else did, and it sounds like it could've very well been your mom.

I used to babysit a 3 year old little girl (ill call her sara for her privacy) who's mother sounded very similar. She would go threw bottles of chilrens night time cough syrup and so sara would sleep all the time in her crib so that her mother could sleep all day too. She fed sara gatoraid daily (too much sodium for a three year old!) And when she was hungry her mom would feed her something fast and easy which was usually potato chips and lunch meat (no bread or anything) when I would watch her I would change her diaper and she would poo neon green from all the sodium in her body. I started feeding her normal foods while I babysat her like eggs and toast and cereal, (she drank like a gallon of milk the first night I had her) soon her mother was arested and her father took custody of sara. I explained to him that she needed to stop taking cough surup because she had him convinced sara was sick for at least a year. And she needed to eat somthing besides potato chips and lunch meat. He changed her diet and soon she was pooping a normal color and she wasn't sleeping for 18 hours at a time. Nor was she as moody. (She would scream at people, bite, pull hair, ect. Until her dad changed everything.) She was a much happier child. She also started to learn how to talk better and walk better. Being neglected like this she bearly knew more then a few words. I was stunned that she seemed so far behind most children her age. And her mother desesrved to go to prison for treating her daughter this way.

brandonsmom777 wrote:I feel evil and like such a bad person when I feel like I'm blaming my mom for the way I am but I don't know.

I don't really hear you blaming her. It sounds more like you are trying to find an explanation for what is going on with you and realizing that in truth your mom may have contributed. So, you don't need to turn blame on yourself for that one. Pointing out that you are a certain way because of the combination of your innate reactions to someone else's actions is not necessarily blame, it's logic (though I think many of us on this forum would be justified in actually blaming, it sounds more like you looking for answers than blaming just now).

I know that for me, my mom has often told me how my dad used to spank me from when I was a "tiny baby" in the crib. I know he did this because I remember him spanking my sister as well (he pretty much learned that was useless by child #3). He claimed that I "needed to learn" though I think it was he who had to learn. I actually don't blame him for that, not exactly anyway, because this is so obviously stupid, but I do blame my mother who clearly knew better (she's says all syrupy that it "broke her heart") but did not stop it (I don't give her credit for "begging him to stop" she should have made it stop).

brandonsmom777 wrote:but to me it was normal because I knew nothing else.

Yes, it wasn't until I was much older that I realized that my dad's behavior was not normal. I actually remember thinking once (after seeing a spoiled child throwing a fit while the parent offered treats) that I was glad that my dad cared enough to spank me to keep me from embarrassing myself that way. I didn't realize at the time that terrorizing and/or "spanking" a child until the adult is tired and/or in two sessions because of the adult's fatigue was not "normal" and probably even more harmful than spoiling a child.

what you experienced was abuse. it's very very hard to understand that. when you're a child you can't believe your parents are capable of harming you... you need to believe that you are taken care of.

SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING

I entered therapy and nonchalantly told my therapist that my father, as a joke, hung me in front of my mother in the garage. With a noose. I was thinking, "Wacky old Dad and his quirks!" Once I had accepted that I was abused, and felt safe, more and more memories came to me.