new to dx

I've just been dx as DID by my therapist but I'm not sure.

I am sorry if this hurts feelings but I have never believed in DID. I've heard it is a way of thinking you a separate people and it is suggestible , but I'm not separate people and I don't think I am. I don't think I lose time or forget things but my T says I do.

How can I trust that my therapist is not making up my dx he says he has experience with DID so I think he might be projecting???? How do you test for urself that you actually have DID??? Has anyone else not believed in DID until diagnosis?

I've never had experience being an "alter" and my childhood was bad but as far as I know I remember everything. I do not believe in repressed memories I remember everything I remember which is a lot of bad stuff but I've never felt like separate people.

My therapist says he has seen me switch and seen me dissociate and he has told me what it looks like but I know that I was "there" the whole time. I get enough attention and feel okay with my therapist I have been seeing him 20 months. This came out of nowhere when I was asking about depression wondering why sometimes it is worse.

Should I seek a second opinion? I'm not really interested in having this disorder and don't think my therapist is accurate. How many therapists have you seen before you got a diagnosis? Did you keep seeing a therapist until you go that diagnosis you wanted or was it a surprise??

Sorry to be so confused I am scared.

This isn't the first time I've said this, and probably won't be the last. Obviously you have some sort of belief that you have DID because you're here. Right. Whether it's subconscious or not, part of you believes it. This is where you fluff up your feathers and say "No. I'm just looking for someone to tell me I don't have this." Even at that, we can't tell you whether actually have this or not. It's against the rules, or something. Ask yourself these questions.

Do I have black outs (Lapses in Memory)? If so, how often?

Can I give a clear timeline of my past?

Do I occasionally feel like someone in my head is influencing me?

Have I ever looked in the mirror and not fully recognized myself?

Has anyone ever approached me and called me by another name?

These are some of the questions that if answered yes to, might lead you to DID. Talk to your therapist. They're the one getting paid for this. This is only an Alter's view.

As a side note, I don't take too well to people who don't believe in me.

-Kendra.

Well... hmm I'm not sure how or where to start.

First of all, let me reassure you that DID is very real. It's the brain's way of coping with things that are unimaginably painful and overwhelming. It literally splits off the feelings and/or memories associated with the trauma so that the child/person can function. I myself don't have DID (I have something very very similar) but I have known many people with DID (both in person and online) and it's an issue that is close to my heart. I get extremely protective when people talk about not believing it. I just had to put that out there.

Secondly, it seems like you have a preconceived notion of what DID "looks like." I would throw that out the window, because each individual case of DID is different. What you are describing is someone having extremely strong amnesia barriers. In other words, not remembering the abuse, not remembering your childhood, and not remembering or being present when you switch. That is the case for a certain percentage of people with DID, but many people have other types of experiences.

I wouldn't automatically assume that your therapist is wrong, or that the diagnosis is wrong. After all, he has experience working with DID clients, and he has been observing you for 20 months. That's a significant period of time. I'm not claiming he's right either, since I don't know enough of the details. But it sounds like there's a reason you are in therapy - you want to feel better I'm guessing? Would you say that is correct? So I wouldn't jump to any conclusions or assumptions yet. If at all possible, try to maintain an attitude of curiosity about it. This may be extremely difficult, given your strong views toward DID in the first place and not believing it even exists. But if you can at least hold onto one small ounce of openness to it, you might be surprised what you could learn, and how you could grow, even if you don't end up believing you have DID. All in all, being just a little bit open could end up being be a tremendous learning experience for you.

Another possibility is that you don't have DID, but that you have dissociated ego states. That's the conclusion that I came to, after having been (mis)diagnosed with DID, and after many months of trying to figure out what was going on with me. Basically, I don't feel like I have different "people" or personalities within me, but I do switch moods very quickly and easily. And these "moods" have certain ways of talking and acting that are different than my normal, "main" self. I am still present, I still remember things that happen, but I just feel very different at different times.

I'm just curious, do you ever have experiences where you don't feel like yourself? Or your moods change drastically and suddenly and you have no explanation why or where the feelings are coming from? Do you ever feel like you are watching yourself, or that you are behaving in ways that aren't like your regular way of behaving? Do you ever feel really young, or really scared, and just want to disappear?

I hope you don't mind me asking you these personal questions. It's just, I wish someone had asked me these ten years ago. That would have saved me a lot of money on therapy that didn't go anywhere! Because basically, if you answer yes to some or most of these questions, good chance you experience a certain level of dissociation. Could be DID, or could be something related.

I guess my main point would be, if what you experience is dissociation, wouldn't you want to know about it? I'm guessing you want to figure out the underlying root of your distress and your issues (whatever they may be), and exploring this could provide you with valuable information. Again, I'm not assuming that DID is what it is, but these are important things to explore.

Please keep reading and posting on here. We are all here to answer any additional questions you might have.

Like Brandic and Luna said, DID is very real and it's not that unusual to not believe you have it at first, and sometime you doubt it for years later. But there is nothing to lose in finding out if you do have it. If you do, it really best to find out, because losing time is dangerous, and if you don't, you can figure out what you therapist is seeing and why they think that.

It's amazing the amount of time you can lose and still rationalize it to yourself, thinking you're just forgetful. My advice would be to just be open minded and try and figure out what is going on. Getting scared and upset and denying everything won't help anyone, least of all you.

I'm sorry you're scared. Just keep in mind that knowing doesn't change if it's true or not, so it's really best to find out what's going on.

Hello! Thank you for the help.

To Kendra: Not sure if I have a belief of what my therapist says or not that is why I am here. TY for the questions. My answers to the questions are all no. I might bring this list to my therapy. TY again!

To brandic: Hello. I do have an idea of what DID looks like but am researching more before my therapist and I talking about it I had watched one movie I don't remember the name. A friend of mine I asked says it is a self-perception disorder, like to have low self-esteem but I do know it is much more greatly severe. I don't know much about any psychology but a good friend of mine knows a lot and I ask her often, all I know really is what I've heard so I am trying to learn! My therapist says I go away and act differently but I am pretty sure nothing like that is going on. I remember my appointments. Where did you research information for DID online or did your therapist help you? I don't know where to start or how to find out what is different. I have mood shifts and I don't think I have a regular way of behaving it is very random and spur of the moment. I do feel young, scared and to want to disappear but usually that is when my depression is manic. I do want to know about it, so I can tell if it is going on but I always feel like one person, one body who is always the same. I am in therapy for my depression and also as domestic violence recovery after I moved out from my partner. As far as I know I remember all of my childhood and there are bad parts and also good parts. So it has been a long time in therapy. I have a problem trusting because sometimes I will trust anyone, I'm naive and it is a very hard task to stand up to my therapist on this issue but he is not forcing it and is being gentle. Thank you for your kindness. I think I do need more research or reading. What I have learned today since I posted has been a LOT but from videos I have not been able to relate.

To Caecandy: I have read about losing time today and that it can be rationalized. I'm not sure or self-aware enough to know. When my therapist told me I got very defensive, upset, we could not talk much so all I have been doing is talking to a friend of mine and research this weekend!

Thanks everyone. I didn't intent to offend if I did, I apologize. I don't really know much about all of this stuff or how to work on the message board either.

For me it was a few months after the initial diagnosis before I realized I did in fact have a history of amnesia. I had forgotten numerous incidents.

It could be that you don't have DID but something similar that involves dissociation. There is also a possibility that your therapist is accurate that you do have DID, just a milder form (Una has mentioned before overt DID versus covert DID, the latter one actually being more common).

I know you don't feel you have different parts, but it is quite possible (since your therapist has observed you switch it sounds like) that you are just not aware of them. Or, that you are so used to them you just see them as different aspects of you. If you do in fact have dissociated parts, this is both true and not true at the same time. Yes of course these parts or aspects are you, but if they're dissociated then you are not as connected to these parts than say a non-dissociative person. When I refer to parts being dissociated, this does not necessarily mean outside your awareness, as in "classic" DID cases. They can be very much in your awareness, but not as fluid or connected, if that makes sense.

For example, if something happens where I think I have upset my partner, I switch into this mode where I feel like a little kid (I call her coraline), and cry and apologize profusely for hurting her (even if it's just a perceived upset, not even real), and beg for her not to be mad at me. And then as soon as I'm assured she's not mad at me, I switch back to my regular adult mode. This type of behavior is not normal for a non-dissociative person, but for someone who has dissociated parts, it's quite normal. This part of me holds much of my self-hatred, self-blame, and feelings of guilt and shame and being "bad". I don't feel this way the majority of the time, nor have access to these feelings, except when this part of me is triggered.

The difference between me and someone with DID - well, one of the differences - is that these aspects of myself don't feel like separate people. But these parts are still dissociated, since they have thoughts and feelings that are usually pretty extreme, and that are different and disconnected from my "normal" or typical way of being.

During these times when you feel young, for example, do you feel like you are in total control? Like, does it feel like you completely? Are you choosing to act that way? Or do you find that part of you different, or unrecognizeable? Or like you are watching yourself?

I'm glad you are researching more about it. I just want to make you aware, however, that movies often depict quite extreme and often unrealistic portrayals of people with DID. Books might be more helpful, especially since you don't seem to display many of the more overt forms of dissociation.

One book that I've heard good things about is "Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation" by Suzette Boon. It has a lot of workbook type activities. Or anything by Elizabeth Howell. She is quite good and knowledgeable. A really good real life account of someone with dissociated ego states (not DID but very similar) is a book called "Finding Normal" by Debra Curreen. I read it cover to cover and really liked it.

Oh and you asked how I learned about DID. Well, it's kind of a long story , but I became friends with someone many years ago who has DID, and I started researching it online to find out more about it. Since then I have gone back and forth about whether I had it, and pretty much determined that I didn't. Then a recent therapist, not my current therapist, very strongly tried convincing me I had DID, about eight months ago. She observed the same sort of changes it sounds like your T observes with you. She gave me a book to read, can't remember the name of it at the moment, but couldn't relate to it at all. From that point, so much of what I've learned has come from this site. People post very informative articles and videos, as well as their own personal viewpoints, so most of what I know about DID and dissociation is actually from coming on here and reading as much as I can. Also, the book "The Dissociative Identity Disorder Handbook" is quite good. However, like coming on here, there are parts that I could relate to and other parts I couldn't relate to at all.

I totally get the point where you're at of being like, what the hell? My therapist is WRONG. But my guess is he's not just pulling this stuff out of thin air. How would making that stuff up benefit him in any way?

But the most important thing is, it sounds like you are wanting to learn more, and that's a great thing. Just keep on like you're doing. You'll figure it out. And we're all here to help.

Brandic

toolateforlove wrote:I've just been dx as DID by my therapist but I'm not sure.

I am sorry if this hurts feelings but I have never believed in DID. I've heard it is a way of thinking you a separate people and it is suggestible , but I'm not separate people and I don't think I am. I don't think I lose time or forget things but my T says I do.

I'm not in therapy but understand it. I can't really say if I ever believed in it, it just sounded weird to me. People that have other people in their minds... what?

My mother called me Sybil a lot growing up. I did a search on it years later cause I never knew what she was talking about. She would make references about how I can be so different from one minute to the next and I thought she was imagining things. Turns out, I just wasn't aware of the switches and had no memory of them.

Has anyone else not believed in DID until diagnosis?

I started believing in it a while ago. Now it seems my ISH is proving to me it's real.

My therapist says he has seen me switch and seen me dissociate and he has told me what it looks like but I know that I was "there" the whole time. I get enough attention and feel okay with my therapist I have been seeing him 20 months. This came out of nowhere when I was asking about depression wondering why sometimes it is worse.

A year ago I would have said the same thing. People would tell me all the time that I went blank for few minutes or ask what just happened. After a while I stopped denying it and just started making excuses. I think I started excuses in high school after years of "what are you talking about?" when someone would mention it. After many different people in many different situations report the same thing about you, you just start making excuses. Claim to be forgetful, say you were daydreaming, say whatever to get out of it. Fact is, I wouldn't know that I was sitting there blank for 10 minutes or what words came out of my mouth moments before. I had nothing. I didn't notice the time loss.

Sorry to be so confused I am scared.

I know the feeling. Confused and scared are common with me.

toolateforlove wrote:How can I trust that my therapist is not making up my dx he says he has experience with DID so I think he might be projecting????

Hey, just wanna throw this in there: Your T may mean he has experience with DID as in treating it, therefore has an eye for picking up the signs. Rather than he has experienced DID himself?

Keep talking these worries through with your T. He says he's seen you switch, you say you remember the times he's talking about... you both can just discuss how you experience the sessions and work out slowly what is going on.

Wishing you the best,

Bourbon