Strong flashbacks & panic attacks (might trigger)

Hi there.

I'm pretty much messed up, once again. I can't sleep...it feels so dangerous and hostile. I can't concentrate on anything, I keep getting panick attacks every few hours!

I have apx. 420 integrated parts but during these last weeks, I've got 10-8 new ones that are not yet ready for integration. These new parts came with very painful information and pure panic... It seems that I've also been a**sed at the age of 5 and 14. This far I've thought that the a**se started at the age of 2 months and ended when I was 3 years old...I was wrong. There is more of it! My past is looking more and more grim and I certainly understand why my su***dal behavior started around that age... My life's been pure h*ll...

The biggest problem at the moment is that few of these 14 years old parts are stuck in the panic-mode. Whenever they surface, I get hit with an overwhelming wave of terror and panic. I can't sleep when panic hits...I just can't even imagine going to sleep! I need to stay up.

I know that my body needs sleep and I know that I should try to stay PRESENT, but it's d*mn hard! The panic is so real, so strong that I need all my energies to just see that I'm in fact safe and that all those bad thinsg are not happening at the moment... This feels so draining...I just can't stay sane.

If you have any ideas, any tips, I'd be glad to hear those! I'm exhausted...

Hey

Unfortunately I don't have some really wise words of wisdom that will help you right now but I wanted to let you know that I have read what you wrote and I am so sorry to hear things have gone a bit rubbish again. I can't imagine how exhausted you are with having to deal with so many flashbacks and panic attacks. I hate anxiety and panic it is soul destroying. You will be okay, this will calm down and until then be good to yourself and take it easy. Your past was hellish but you have worked through a good deal of it and have succeeded in integration so you will manage it again. Make sure people around you know that you may need a bit more TLC and support at the moment. It sounds like you've come an extremely long way since this all began and you are an inspiration for that. Keep at it and you will finally get to where you want to be in life: no more horrible surprises of abuse.

Bourbon

I just want to say that I'm so sorry you are having to go through this right now. It sounds so very difficult. I also want to say that I can relate to the feelings of anxiety and panic and terror that overtake you. I have unfortunately experienced those as well, and I know how awful it can be.

Like Bourbon said, it sounds like you have come so far and worked through so much, so try not to get too discouraged. You are fighting the fight, and it will get better. Just remember to take one day at at time, and that these feelings aren't permanent. They won't last. Sorry, I don't know if that will make you feel better or just piss you off, but sometimes it's helpful (for me, anyways) to be reminded that the overwhelm and the panic and all that really really awful stuff will pass. You have the support of all of us on here. Hang in there.

Brandic