Pregnancy & DID *guarded talk of past abuse

Hi,

It has been a long long while since I've been here, but I need some feedback.

My life has changed so much. I got a different job (my boss tracked me down for the position based on recommendations!), had to move about 80 miles away, etc. However, in general it seemed like everything was settling out and my therapy was going great. I was feeling better than I ever had before.

Then I turned 39, and I had to re-evaluate everything.

You see, I have always felt different from others. Many of the ways that I see the world are unique. And my experiences often feel unique. For example, I am the oldest of 4 children, the youngest being 12 years younger than myself. My mother became mentally ill (paranoid schizophrenia) as a direct consequence of the last pregnancy (not to mention living in an abusive household and being desperately poor), so in most ways, I was left holding the bag. For a few months, my baby sister was sent to live with a relative, but after that, as I always describe, it was like I was a second wife for my parents. My sister shared my room/bed, so I was the one who woke first in the middle of the nights. I changed her diapers, fed her, and was solely responsible for her care any time I wasn't in school (my parents were not allowed phone calls at their jobs). Add to this, two other children (the older of the two is five years younger than me, and it was more of a sibling relationship, but my brother was only 2 when the youngest was born) So, when I left home, I felt like I had already raised children. I was so relieved that I never even thought of having my own until I was in my 30's.

And no one ever understands. I often feel alienated because people think (and say!) I am just a single woman who could never know what it's like to have the responsibility of children (you know, because being an engineer, I'm kind of dumb like that ). It's so frustrating I love to do family type activities a thousand times more than normal single activities (clubs, bars, yuck), and people are ALWAYS commenting about how good I am with children, but people never think to invite me. I just feel left out. Of life.

At 39, I realized that I had better decide. I'm not getting any younger. Now or never. And now seemed good. I was in a perfect position to start a new life. A "normal" life (if anyone with DID can ever have that ). For the past couple of years, I haven't had problems with the others in quite the magnitude as before. We get along, for the most part. Now seemed good.

So, as you have guessed, I took the plunge. I contacted a fertility clinic and a donor bank (ok, so the relationships part is still a struggle ). On the second try, I got pregnant and now I'm 10 weeks along.

But WHOA buddy! Everything's gone haywire! I'm losing loads of time. My meds are completely screwed up now (time loss, can't find my meds sometimes, morning-all-day sickness...) And 1 of the others, Meagan (I should clarify that she is telling me that it is spelled Meagain) is going berserk! My T says she thinks it is because of all the focus on my body parts (fertility clinics do A LOT of tests).

Add to that: I pre-discussed with my psychiatrist about the risk of my own risk of my mother's illness, about which I have always been concerned, and he said "if we keep the genie in the bottle, then it will be improbable, but if the genie gets out, it's always difficult to put it back in again." So when Meagain started going crazy, and I started falling out of it, Veronica decided to get an abortion to keep the genie in the bottle. Then Sara tried to stop it by calling my psychiatrist for a way to put them to sleep. My p-doc has never met the others! I'm mortified! I don't ever want to talk to him again. Not to mention that, from what I've been told, since she was stressed, she "sounded like a little kid" though she just turned 12 and is usually mature. And Sara said that the dr's response was that nothing will happen unless I let it because I am stronger than the others! That's sooooo not true. Veronica is the strongest of us, but even she doesn't have complete control. Doesn't he understand at all? Do you?

My T was able to get Meagain somewhat under control, so Veronica did not go through with it (I cried when I found out how close it came!) I am a whirlwind of confusion.

The point, besides just getting it out, is that I would like to know how others may have dealt with their pregnancies? I am so scared.

First, congratulations on your wanted and successful pregnancy. May all go well.

Second, do I understand you to mean your psychiatrist has been helping you suppress your alters? As if they were nothing more than schizophrenic delusions? If that is the case, you need a new therapist ASAP. If you think being pregnant is stirring the pot, just imagine what may happen once you have another baby, a toddler, a small child to deal with. Many women with DID first discover their DID and enter therapy when their children reach same age as the woman was when she experienced her own "Big T" childhood trauma. Labor and delivery also tends to blow the lid off.

Third, if you do not have schizophrenia now at age 39, the odds of you ever having it are really small. It is an organic disorder and usually becomes apparent in teens or early 20's. Are you sure your mother has schizophrenia?

Una+ wrote:do I understand you to mean your psychiatrist has been helping you suppress your alters?

No, my psychiatrist leaves my overall therapy to my T and mostly sticks to meds (though in general I have been totally appreciative that he spends a half hour per visit and REALLY listens to me, that is why it is so shocking). My T gets very upset with me when I ask how to make the others go away. sigh.

Una+ wrote:just imagine what may happen once you...

Is this supposed to help?
The toddler, small child stuff, is not an unknown. I already have a clue about that. It is the pregnancy and delivery I am worried about.

Una+ wrote:Labor and delivery also tends to blow the lid off.

I know. That is why I am getting scared. Not to mention what should I tell the midwife? If these appts are freaking Meagain out and making me lose time, what is going to happen then? I don't like people to see when we switch!

Una+ wrote:Are you sure your mother has schizophrenia?

Una+ wrote: It is an organic disorder and usually becomes apparent in teens or early 20's

I have been told that most cases show up by 28 (though the hormonal changes with pregnancy can spark latent disease...it is simply that most pregnancies occur in the 20s). My mother was 29 when she got it. She has only ever had 2 diagnoses (PS and bipolar). Some examples of her breakdowns: Telling people that they couldn't be "saved" unless she prayed to Jesus for them, Being deathly afraid of demons and marking all kinds of things (like my teddy bears) with crosses to keep her/us safe, Being told by voices to kill her children, Hearing the TV give her commands, Being afraid that she saw some confidential information at the FBI building and now they were after her. So yes, I, personally am sure of the PS diagnosis. You can't see her fear and not know it. In my opinion, her mood swings come from her enmeshment with my dad, who will never go to get help but who has a violent temper, a few suicide attempts, and uncontrollable spending when he gets any money (all possibilities for the bipolar spectrum).

Hm. Well, paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar are an incredibly unlikely combination. One of the hallmarks of schizophrenia is a persistently flat affect, the complete opposite of bipolar.

Okay, so are you trying to suppress your alters? And you aren't open about them? I think you would benefit from telling your midwife about them ASAP. Also, increase your number of sessions with your psychotherapist. What is happening right now qualifies as a crisis. Your insurance may allow extra sessions for a while.

I didn't know about my DID, but I was aware of some of my history and I did tell my midwife I had a history of sexual abuse. No details; she did not need details to understand how to help me. Telling her was important, so she knew to allow that much extra time to explain well in advance about any hands-on procedure she wanted to perform. Also, telling her relieved a huge load of anxiety I was hardly aware of carrying until it was gone. As an "elderly primipara" myself the pressure on me to undergo amniocentesis was extreme. I have a needle phobia, so that was a major anxiety issue for me. One of my pregnancies was very difficult, and required extremely close monitoring with ultrasound exams 2x/week for 5 months. Due to how the baby was positioned, some exams required use of a vaginal probe. These also were a problem for me. Vaginal probe exams are a problem for most women, even those who do not have a history of sexual abuse.

I appreciate that you have already raised children, but this was when you were teenager. Were you aware of your alters then? As a teenager I babysat little children and had no problems that I knew of. I was losing time then, but I didn't know it. Decades later, now that my DID has become overt I am not losing time but little children sometimes do trigger me. I depersonalize and/or have rage attacks.

I hope this helps you feel less alone.

Una+ wrote:One of the hallmarks of schizophrenia is a persistently flat affect

That is not always exactly the way it is. Over the years, I've met several levels and types of both schizophrenics and bipolars, and it varies.
For us, when my mother is off-kilter (i.e. needs meds adjust) I would say her affect is primarily agitated and fearful, with a tendency to outbursts of indignation. I, personally, do not agree with the bipolar diagnosis (they changed it from PS when bipolar first started to receive the attention and she was already on some meds - in the 80s), but the meds accomplish the same goals and she feels less stigmatized by it, so I just let it be.

Una+ wrote:are you trying to suppress your alters?

I'm not exactly trying to suppress the others, but I am DEFINITELY NOT open about them. Not even to my family. It's just that we get into quicksand and lost relationships very quickly if people think it is me "acting childish," "being bitchy," being forgetful, or in general, being out of control.
Veronica, for example, is as involved at work as I am, sometimes more so. But she is older and knows not to use her real name (though I think she has relationships she doesn't tell me about) and usually passes control back to me when I am with my friends. Actually, she kind of suppresses me, I would say.

It is the younger ones that have no business being out when others are around, in my opinion. It causes chaos, ridicule, and suspicion about my mental faculties. Not to mention the moments of awkwardness of not knowing who people are or what they are talking about (Brian will fill that it in, but not always very quickly). And with my family, everyone seems to already believe I am on the edge of psychotic (who can blame them? I assumed so too, before the DID diagnosis) because of mine and Meagain's tendency to extreme depression and because of my "unique" thought processes (I tend to be introspective and academic while they are more normal: outgoing and more easily superficial - a necessary relational quality I cannot seem to master). I even had one aunt chastise me for being selfish for attempting to get pregnant - because of my genetics and possibility of losing my grip (if she only knew what goes on in my head).

I know it is not really possible, but sometimes I just wish the younger ones would get their therapy and move on or grow up. I don't mind them being around and I really do appreciate the part they played in the early years, but it is MY life now, not theirs - or at least - if they want to be in the adult world, they need to let the past go and join in the present. sigh. it's not PC I know, it's just frustrating to live like this. I'm tired of being so different.

Una+ wrote:probe exams

I have now been having these about twice a week for the last 3 months. Hence, the Meagain affair.

Una+ wrote:Telling her was important,

Yes, I feel that she needs to know something. But it's hard to find any recommendation on midwife, let alone that she came recommended by someone I highly respect and has birthed more than 500 babies and has the only birthing center anywhere near me. When I mentioned that I have only in the past couple of years been able to learn how to rate pain (I used to not be able to tell the difference between a stubbed toe and a broken one) and that I was having a hard time with all the questions she was asking, she looked extremely uncomfortable and kind of like "what am I getting myself into." I was so afraid she was going to drop me.

First congratulations!
Una+ gave some solid advice. Some of the advise might seem hard, but knowledge is power.

I didn't know about DID prior to having kids, but I really underestimated the power of the triggers with one's own child(ren), in addition, the difference of the genders and their effect on my own triggers. Something as simple as cutting my DD's hair caused a major flashback/panic attack. With DS, I was apprehensive with hair cutting but it didn't cause the same flashback. In regards to pregnancy, it's really hard not to feel violated with the exams, although necessary and routine. The Dr./midwife should talk you through it, try to make you feel more at ease.

I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy!

I have three kids. I am 32. New to DID so I can't comment on how it will effect you with you already knowing about your system. I had no knowledge of childhood abuse when I was pregnant.

Based on that I can say that my pregnancies went fine. I did, in thinking back now, have panic attacks during pelvic exams. I was not aware of my DID then though. Now it has me wondering who that was triggering.

Deliveries were fine/normal. I had two "the regular way" and one c-section.

Having kids will trigger. For me the pregnancy didn't trigger, but as your kids become the ages you were when you were abused, triggers happen. I don't say this to scare you, but just so you can be ready.

For me it was my oldest, who is a girl, turning 4 that was my hardest year.

But, you already know about your DID and have therapy in place. You will do better than I did with it since you have the upper hand.

Good luck and congrats!

Hello all,

I just wanted to say thanks for the feedback I've gotten already and to encourage others to continue posting. I need all the help and info I can get.

Don't know if this helps, just sharing my experiences...

I had my two kids more than twenty years ago, no clue about my DID then, untill recently, I'm 48 now.

With both births I was able (well, the only thing I could do at the moment) to get OUT of my body and the pain. So there I was, my body all relaxed, even during worst pain. Unless somebody touched me, when I came connected with my body and the pain.
The midwife was trying to be nice, holding my hand...and I yelled at her "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!"

With both births I was able (well, the only thing I could do at the moment) to get OUT of my body and the pain.

Yes, totally agree, I didn't even know I was in labor(both times ), I was like; I think this is it, nope, not painful enough, okay now? maybe? lol.

Oh, I know this isn't DID related, but I had two c-secs(pregnancy/delivery complications), and that belly wrap thing they sell in the stores, really helped the healing process! I think it was $20, I got the larger size. It really helped squish everything in place.