Getting More Complicated

Well, therapy has started to become therapy.

My last two appointments have proven I'm just starting to understand what's going on. It doesn't matter how much I look up, or learn, or try to do on my own; I only start to really understand when another person (my T) shows me what I should already be looking for.

Our signature has changed. As we read "The Flock", it triggered a lot of internal arguments and internal re-arrangements. Those that didn't want to acknowledge their 'separateness' due to disbelief of this diagnosis have since thought otherwise and even tentatively stepped forward. Sara, Sarah, and Cheryl are just three of these examples. Cheryl actually wrote in Susan's diary and took control when Susan found out she needed to write a paper in a group, and it would count as a midterm. Susan cannot, due to social awkwardness, work in a group; Cheryl thrives in a group setting. She couldn't write a single sentence pertaining to the paper, but by the sky could she get the group to work together and compromise.

Cheryl bounced into our T's office and immediately opened up about "The Flock"; how she felt about it, her thoughts, her perceptions, etc. Then, with no provocation or hesitation, Cheryl flew into personal anecdotes about her feelings in general and how she couldn't quite remember what happened the last session. She tried, and failed, to be Susan; our T casually mentioned that Cheryl spoke of Susan as ol' girl to try to throw off our T's impression that she was talking to an alter. Instead, when Susan started to tentatively gain back control and focus more on her journal entries, our T mentioned the change in behavior. The bubbly, charismatic girl was slowly replaced with the depressed, anxious, and socially awkward Susan.

We've learned, also, that there isn't really a 'host' personality to us. Susan, who should be the host technically, is our Recluse...but we are not always reclusive. In fact, hardly so. We switch with the situation; charismatic Cheryl for groups and outings, Sara for intimate interactions with Wes, Sarah for her patience and understanding of Aleena, Samantha for when situations become a tad too much for the others..the list goes on. There is no 'Host' who stays in control for a majority of the time. I believe the only exception to this would be when on a solitary vacation; Susan may 'host' most of that time period.

Does this make sense to anyone? I read a lot about 'hosts' and we could have sworn Susan was ours'. It seemed logical, at the time, considering we all respond to the name Susan as well as our own given names.

The ages change quite a bit, and we were told that would happen. I am obviously not twenty-five years old because the body is not twenty-five years old, but I believe to be that particular age. Cheryl would say she was eighteen, but in fact was 'created' when the body was still a few years younger. That goes for Samantha and Sarah as well. Eve and Sara, however, are still 'stuck' at their ages for their own reasons, while the rest of us continue to grow.

We're learning quite a bit with this therapist. The system, if it can be called such at the moment, is in chaos from the new knowledge, but we are growing. We are moving forward. It seems like a logical start to what will ultimately become healing.



I'm learning to let go and let the others have their time. It's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm sure we all (as DIDs) have come across this kind of hurdle. I went over my fears about letting go and allowing the others to come forward. They are stupid fears, but apparently relevent. My T helped me tremendously when she said she doesn't judge a single thing anyone would end up doing. My fear was to be ridiculed for allowing Eve to come out and play because she would act her age, and we are certainly not four! I feared being seen as an idiot for playing with toys or talking like a child; I feared losing control and not being taken seriously. I also feared faking it...which doesn't make much sense... -sigh- A whole therapy session was given just for that, and I'm sure I'll need plenty more, but at least I'm making progress.

I admire you and your 'letting go'. I hope I get that way in T within time.

bourbon

Susan et al: your system sounds a lot like the system described in Truddi Chase's book, When Rabbit Howls. We have a thread about it here. Here follows a spoiler! In that system the host is scarcely more than a facade, at first.

Una, I am going to look over that thread. That's one book I had wanted to read before "The Flock", but my T practically forbade me to pick it up. But I'm interested now, if their system sounds like mine. Thank you for the input, I look forward to learning more!

Bourbon, thank you. We haven't quite let go in therapy yet. Cheryl may have gone in, but she's not much different than me voice or mannerism wise. I'm hoping one day I can let Eve out, as she struggles constantly to get the body on the floor to play, but is held back by myself and Sam. More Sam, though, because Sam kind of feeds on our fear. It'll happen one day, for both of us I'm sure.

Linaeve! So glad to hear you are discovering more of yourself, and that your therapist is so AWESOME!!! Hurrah for you.

Can you ask your T why she would prefer you not read "When rabbit howls?" I can see why some therapists may not want their patients to read certain fiction because of triggering, etc., but I also don't think there should be a vibe that your therapist is "forbidding" you to do something. You are an adult, after all, and she's not your parent. You should be able to choose to read it, if you so desire.