Need (might trigger!)

Hi.

It's been terribly confusing and painful few days. Me and my parts started to practise integration and trying to find a harmonious outcome. But there are still broken parts in me that need help, advices and such... I feel whole but I feel broken at the same time. I'm happy and depressed, sad and hopeful.

But that's not the issue I wanted to write about... I've faced a very sensitive and embarassing problem when the integration started happening. I realized that I started to feel like a kid again. Around 16 years old and with that came a desperate need to talk with a mother and father-figures. I'm not talking about my abusive parents (biologically they're my parents but emotionally they're not), but about "adoptive parents." This need has been in my mind for a while and it keeps growing and getting weaker alternately... And it's killing me!

I just need someone...someone I can call a mother and a father...without being afraid of abuse and hurt... And at the same time I confess this to myself, I feel stupid, naive and idiotic... I'm 23 years old for goodness sake! I don't need parents anymore! I can do all on my own! But still the need is there...waiting and loudly shouting to my ears.

Maybe it's a cry for help that never had chance to surface and it's now coming out? Maybe it's the unmet need for unconditional, caring love I never got? Maybe, maybe, maybe... I don't know what to think or what to do with this feeling. It's crushing my heart and giving it strength to beat at the same time. I'm torn in two... I feel so much. I feel too much...

Any ideas, experiences?

Lots of people have needs like this, not just those with DID. Have you ever read Tuesdays With Morrie? That's a beautiful book about a grown man who found a mentor in a very elderly man who was dying. There are many adults out there who have "older" friends who they turn to for advice, and those older friends really do enjoy giving the nurturing that is needed.

I'm 22, and I have a friend who is 36. He's so kind to me, and I asked him if he could be my pretend big brother, and he said yes. He is trying to understand me, and does understand that when I act younger it is dissociation. So he's always very comforting.

If you can find a way to be around some older people, you will probably be able to get a little bit of the nurturing you crave. When I used to go to church, before all this weirdness started, I always had older people kind of "looking after me" so to speak. At the place where I work, this is still how it is, and I appreciate their kindness. Just to give an example, one of my managers, a much older woman, gave me a ride home when it was raining. She gave me kind of a mentor talk about jobs and careers, not in a professional way, but in kind of a parent sort of way. I doubt she knows how much I appreciated it, or how secretly I was absolutely basking in what felt like cool refreshing rain as I noticed that her actions were because she does indeed care. Trust is hard for me, as it is for many of us on this board, but if you can start by opening yourself up and getting out there, you may find that others have a need to nurture just like you have a need to be nurtured.

Just my experience. I hope you are able to find what you need. Until then, I offer you warm hugs if you want them!!!

I so agree with dividedtruth89. I am much much older than u but i still want, need to be parented, and also to b able 2 b a kid. Most of all i am still finding ways to parent myself, and get n touch with my internal self helpers. And learning to honor my instincts. Getting out n nature, by any body of water, feels like being mothered to me. I dont think it has to come just from myself or other people. Blessings

dividedtruth89 wrote:Lots of people have needs like this, not just those with DID. Have you ever read Tuesdays With Morrie? That's a beautiful book about a grown man who found a mentor in a very elderly man who was dying. There are many adults out there who have "older" friends who they turn to for advice, and those older friends really do enjoy giving the nurturing that is needed.

I'm 22, and I have a friend who is 36. He's so kind to me, and I asked him if he could be my pretend big brother, and he said yes. He is trying to understand me, and does understand that when I act younger it is dissociation. So he's always very comforting.

If you can find a way to be around some older people, you will probably be able to get a little bit of the nurturing you crave. When I used to go to church, before all this weirdness started, I always had older people kind of "looking after me" so to speak. At the place where I work, this is still how it is, and I appreciate their kindness. Just to give an example, one of my managers, a much older woman, gave me a ride home when it was raining. She gave me kind of a mentor talk about jobs and careers, not in a professional way, but in kind of a parent sort of way. I doubt she knows how much I appreciated it, or how secretly I was absolutely basking in what felt like cool refreshing rain as I noticed that her actions were because she does indeed care. Trust is hard for me, as it is for many of us on this board, but if you can start by opening yourself up and getting out there, you may find that others have a need to nurture just like you have a need to be nurtured.

Just my experience. I hope you are able to find what you need. Until then, I offer you warm hugs if you want them!!!

Hi dividedtruth89.

That's so sweet...that you have those people around you, nurturing you and caring about you. ^_^ I wish so much that I can some day have the same... I've been so long afraid to receive love and caring from outsiders because I always thought that those things are ugly and painful...but just few days ago I started to see the truth. I think that I'm starting to be ready to be loved...and to love.

Thank you for the hugs! I certainly want those! =^_^=

I'm starting to be kinda attached to my care assistant... She's really nice and she has really surprised/confused me with her trustfulness! I kind of see her as a person I'd like to have the mother-daughter talk with... She told me that her role with different patients has changed from mother to life coach. ^^ So she might be willing to help me with that... But I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to ask. :/ I don't want to break into tears or something on front of her...but at the same time I want to.

Damn, this is painful subject. :/

Exceptional wrote:I so agree with dividedtruth89. I am much much older than u but i still want, need to be parented, and also to b able 2 b a kid. Most of all i am still finding ways to parent myself, and get n touch with my internal self helpers. And learning to honor my instincts. Getting out n nature, by any body of water, feels like being mothered to me. I dont think it has to come just from myself or other people. Blessings

Hi Exceptional.

Heh, the need to be nurtured and to nurture doesn't ever seem to wear off... ^^;

It's nice to hear that you've found other ways to parent yourself. I feel that I need other people though...I've been alone for so long time. :/

I agree with u. We all need other people.

I'm writing update...

I'm pretty confused right now. My care assistant told me, just couple hours ago, that in two weeks she's resigning and starting in a new job. So she's not going to be around me anymore...

I hate to cry in front of the people, but after I heard this, I just couldn't fight it... Tears kept pouring from my eyes but I stayed quiet...I didn't want to break down. I didn't even look at her...only few times, I was so mad... Rejection is something I fear more than anything and that is what I felt happening. Though she knows that. And she tried to explain that this is not rejection but a chance for something new. She said that she felt quilty and bad...she told me that of all the people she's working with right now, I was the hardest one to tell this to...because she knew that I'd react strongly...

I don't know what I should feel now. My past is telling me to hate, hit & run, leave her behind...just save myself from these feelings and leave..But she didn't give me that option: she wants to help me get over those feelings...

I'm a f*cking mess right now...I feel so much hate...I don't want to admit that I'm crying and feel sorrow...but that's what's happening right now. I'm crying and I feel sad. I don't want to get attached to anyone...I don't want to have this happening to me again...! I don't want to be rejected...I can't stand it anymore...

She said that this is not about her rejecting me...I don't know what to believe... I can't trust her. But I kinda want to. But I don't. I want her to go away...JUST. GO. AWAY.

I just...don't want her to leave... I can't do this...

I'm so sorry Adameil. This is truly unfortunate. I do hope you can come to terms with that it's not her rejecting you. However, I know I that if I were in your shoes, I would probably be reacting in the same way.

The first therapist I started seeing was a psychologist at my University Counseling Center. I thought she was just wonderful. But she told me early on that our time was limited so she hoped I would find an actual therapist. Until I got one though, she saw me for about 3 months and towards the end there, she started seeing me weekly as opposed to biweekly(biweekly was her standard, but for some reason we began weekly appointments...I remember feeling like I didn't remember much of what happened in the appointment...okay tangent.)

I can only cry in front of certain people, but I have cried several times in T and one time full out bawled. I'm glad you were able to let that out, and it also shows how good of a care coordinator she is that she wants to help you work through those feelings. I definitely think you should. My University T and I had a couple talks about my leaving therapy, and I just remember the things she said really helped me to move on, even though it was still very hard.

Can you write her a letter of how much she has meant to you? I did this, and it really helped. Lol I never sent it though cuz I was embarrassed and didn't want to seem clingy. But even so, it may help you come to terms with the attachment you have with her. Is the problem because you feel like you WERE able to trust her, and now you can't because of this turn of events? Trust is difficult for all of us here, I think, sadly.

The thoughts that she is rejecting you, as well as your feelings of not being able to trust her...they may be helping you mask the real sadness you feel, so I hope you can sit with all these feelings, because they are all real. You don't have to save yourself from the feelings. Now that you are older, you can allow yourself to feel whatever you want, and not have to worry about possible bad consequences or punishment or rejection. I'm guessing in your past that acknowledgment of your feelings usually led to rejection. This could be a wonderful healing experience for you, to help you realize the difference between rejection and the end of a healthy relationship.

Even just writing that I realize that I should be taking my own advice PM me if you want to just have a listener. I offer you safe, warm hugs if wanted.

Hi dividedtruth89.

I have so much things I want to say but so little means to get it out... And this will be very chaotic reply without any frame but I'm too tired to care about that...

I am really clingy towards her to be honest... I hoped that she'd be here until I move and that I could practise trusting with her...but then she told me this. I lost all my trust towards her...so it was because of the turn of the events. I worked through the attachment issues this afternoon and beginning of the evening...I realized that every time I let myself get attached to someone/something, they left me very soon. My only true friends, a dog and a cat, both died of old age... My parents dismissed me...my friends changed school.

It makes me so mad... Why do people keep leaving me? Right now I feel like this is another dagger to my chest, another reason to not to get attached to anyone or trust anyone... But she didn't give me that option...she said that she won't accept my hateful comments like "go away and never come back!", but she wants to finish this positively... So it kinda makes this even more painful... She made face the most excruciating problems in my past by doing all this... I just want her to leave already...and I never want to trust anymore...

Yeah, she is a good care coordinator... She asked me three times if she could hug me and every time I replied "no" or just stayed quiet... Second time she asked what would happen to her if she'd try to hug me. I just can't...let her do that... Deep inside I have the need to be close...but my g***amned past is preventing me from doing that... I simply can't. I want to. But I can't. There is a line I simply can't cross... She also just put her hand to the table, offering it to me...if I could grab it. I didn't. I just couldn't...

I'd wish that I could also bawl in front of someone... I don't want to admit it to myself but I trust her so much that I could do it in front of her... I can't admit it to myself how much she means to me... I can't give that information to my awareness...I just can't accept it... I was always rejected...I can't get attached to anyone but h*ck! I am! I'm attached to her! I guess I learned to keep my attachment deep inside me...hidden. Because when I never showed it: it didn't hurt when I was rejected. I simply forgot my attachment and thought that it never was...that I never felt sorrow or yearning for those people. That I never. Cared. Anyone. But no...that feeling couldn't be killed in me. It was there and it still is.

I don't want this relationship to end. It hurts so bad because I care... And yes. All the anger and mistrust are masking the feelings I haven't been able to face... I see the possibility to heal through this experience...I'm just so scared to face it. So scared to face my own sorrow...that has been building up until today...

I also realized today...that I keep searching the company of people that are depressed and lonely...when they get too attached to me - I leave them. I just run...I panic and I hate them for caring for me. I think that those relationships remind me of myself...how I've been treated and rejected... I feel bad for hurting all those people. But I was too broken to realize what I was doing...

More updates...

Tomorrow is the last day I meet my care assistant and then our paths will separate.

I won't cry. I won't. I will be like a rock. Be happy that she's moving on with her job and life and be happy of the memories I have of her. Be happy of everything she teached me, how much she helped me and listened and believed me.

I won't cry. It's not sad thing that she's leaving. Not at all.

I'm partly stuck in a flashback/past etc. right now so that's why I'm so "cold" at the moment. We'll see how tomorrow goes...

Wish me luck or something. =/ I wonder if anyone's reading this at all. Hmh.

She won't be dead like my beloved pets. Just being somewhere else. Crap...I'm crying already... Weak...