The color blue. Realization? Fusion? Passive influence?

Was it just my own realization/identity discovery or influence from an alter? I don't know and I don't really care. Whatever it was, it was good.

I started sobbing for...no apparent reason. Well I take that back, I can trace my thoughts leading to the sobs. I was playing the video of my last therapy session in my head, but editing it(as I do constantly), seeing myself having a different reaction to the following statement by my T. She had told me I was smart enough to be the leader in my therapy.( I had told her I wasn't) All of a sudden I started to cry, because I started to feel like therapy was pointless and I started to feel very alone. I mean what's the point of therapy if I am smart enough to do it all on my own? My own. The thought of having to do it all by myself was just devastating. I started to feel like I alone was responsible for all my problems, and that if I wanted to fix them, I would have to get up and get a move on and hurry up and fix them, and stop wasting this therapist's time with my pretend frailty.

As I cried, I said "my favorite color is blue!" This is the first favorite color I can remember having. I remember changing my likes and dislikes constantly because I didn't think my mother liked it that I liked the "boy" toys. My dad called me a tomboy because it was true, and my mom would BLOW UP whenever anyone said something like this, as if they were calling me a bad name or something! As a result I was never very conscious of what I liked and what I didn't like, because in the end, I just ended up liking whatever my mom liked. I was a little miniature of her.

What I like and dislike has been even more warbled in the past year. All sense of identity, it seems, had been stripped from me.

But last night, I truly did FEEL like my favorite color was blue! I wanted to scream it out to the world and tell them "My favorite color is blue, take that world!" And I just kept on crying.

I don't know what it was, but whatever it was, it was good. I'm so happy to tell you all that my favorite color is blue.

Being a leader does not mean doing anything on your own. By definition, a leader is never alone, because a leader exists only in connection with others. Being a leader means making choices and decisions for yourself and others. But you won't be doing it alone. Using --- even depending on --- the support of others is part of good leadership.