I'm So Lost Right Now...

Yep... Here comes another one of my "I'm confused, I dont know what to do - Help!" posts...

If you wanna hear some good background music that really describes how I feel right now click Here.

I.. Dont really know how to explain how I've been feeling lately. I dont really know the word... Numb? Dissociated? Alone? Scared? Somewhere in the mix of that is how I feel.. My birthday is on Wednesday, and any other year, I'd be bouncing off the walls with excitment. The one time of year my parents actually put aside their differences and let me have a good time. But this year... I feel nothing. Its just another day. Adding another year to my screwed up timeline. Dont get me wrong.. Im not Dreading it or anything. I just feel nothing towards it. Ive been feeling this way about just about everything for a while.

It started back in July when Chaos came to be. It wasn't as bad then. It was only a few things that I "lost interest in" But now that I met Nichole (who is a little freaking devil...) Ijust dont care about anything right now.

I do "feel" just not anything worth feeling, if you know what I mean. Im constantly confused.. Im always so light headed. I can hardly walk straight.. Good thing I have the keyboard memorized, otherwise i couldnt post this, lol... I feel depression... Aloneness.. Scared... Anger... i feel all of that, I just cant pick out anything too be thankful for, anything to brighten my mood. It feels like The Soothing Light At The End Of the Tunnel, really Was A Freight Train Comin' My Way. (You're amazing if you know what song that is)

... Now that I look back on that paragraph.. I realize how dark Im sounding... This is so unlike me... Im normally so happy no matter what.. You know , putting on that brave face so no one worries.. I guess Im just tired of it..

Sorry.. Ill get to my question.. Is this how major Dissociating feels like? I know this isn't normal... I already asked my friend.. She said it's very odd... So... What do you guys think is wrong? Am I overwhelmed? Is it a phase (god I hope so..)? I really dont know.. I cant make heads or tails of anything right now...

Well I don't really know the answer to your questions, or how "normal" it is since it sounds normal to me since I've experienced similar things. I could be totally wrong, but it kinda sounds like a depression of sorts. When I'm feeling depressed, I'm missing all the "good" feelings - any excitement, giddiness, joy, enthusiasm just all completely gone. Numbness, anger, irritability - these are the more prominent emotions. It could be that your birthday is bringing on a depression in you. That's actually what happened to me this year on my birthday. I usually really love celebrating my birthday, but I think because I've lost a couple really close friends this past year (not because they died, just because they stopped being my friends) it didn't feel the same not being able to celebrate it with them. I'm just guessing this is the reason, although at the time I couldn't figure out what was going on, or why I was feeling that way. It just felt like this huge weight, like I lost all joy and motivation and didn't know why.

My point of saying all this is, I can relate. I understand. And I'm sorry you're feeling this way, cause I know how crappy it can be. Just know that there's someone else out there who knows what you're going through. Hang in there... And I know this may not cheer you up but... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Happy birthday x

`*^Happy Birthday!^*`

My vote is for a light depression, not quite suicidal, but the joy de vie is..meh. I'm pretty dark emotionally, so welcome to the club? It'll get better. When I'm heavy dissociated I feel like I'm in my head more, more like swimming through a thick fog, time passes quickly though which helps when everything sucks . Everything feels far away, sounds, feelings, everything, or maybe that's derealization. Ugh. IDK. I'm confused right now.
NEway, you sound like you've gone through alot this year. I hope your next year will be as momentous, but in a very positive way.