rage

Lately, I've been feeling rage bubbling up inside of me, just underneath the surface. Usually, I am not really aware of my rage. It gets triggered from time to time and I lose it, screaming and throwing things. But then things go back to being "normal" - ie I'm not in touch with those feelings anymore. Not the past few days however. The last few days it's like I'm constantly aware that the rage is there, and I can feel it. It's like I'm walking on top of it, and can feel it bubbling and boiling under my feet. Every now and then something will happen (someone will say something, or do something) and it's like a hole is created between me and the rage and the rage starts to leak through. So I have to apply pressure to stop it. This might sound weird, but I can literally feel the pressure building inside when I am trying to "shut down" or stop the rage from pouring out. Because I can't let it. I need to stay sane. I need to stay safe. I need to stay functional. And yet just keeping the rage at bay is taking all my energy. And it's making me very irritable. I don't even know if it's necessarily a "part" of me that is holding the rage. Usually if a rageful or angry part is close or trying to communicate something to me, I'll hear their (usually screaming) voices in my head or I'll get some visual images they are sending me. This is different. It's like I'm encountering the beast itself in its pure form. Rage.

Quite honestly, I have no idea why I'm posting this. I'm not looking to have a question answered, or for someone to be able to tell me what to do, since I don't know if there's anything I can do. I guess I just wanted to share what's been going on with me recently. And this is also the reason I haven't been very helpful with responding to people's posts on here. I just can't do it. I have been reading a few posts, but I am just overwhelmed with my own stuff right now to be able to give anyone else advice or anything. So I apologize for this.

The hardest part about all of this, I think, is the fact that I work full time, and that my job is very emotionally draining. I have to be present and attentive at all times for my job. I can't afford to "lose it" and have any sort of break down because that would probably cost me my job. Just missing two days last week to a stomach bug was hard enough... and yet at the same time, I know having a regular routine is part of what's keeping me together. I never do well when I have unstructured time. My partner reminded me of this just this past Friday night, when I was having a really hard time emotionally, and she reminded me I had been alone for two days, due to being sick, and I never seem to do well when I spend too much time alone.

Anyhow... that's all for now I guess.

Sounds like this is your own rage. So, why do you feel letting it rip would make you insane or unsafe? What is that about?

Yes the thought of letting it rip makes me feel insane and it feels unsafe. There is much shame and judgment about it. In my experience with rage (that is, my experience of other people being overtaken by rage) it felt very scary and dangerous. There was also no room to express anger myself, thus the shame and judgment. I think it would be different if I could go somewhere and scream where no one could hear me, but sadly no such place exists anywhere close to me. I live in an apartment complex and am worried and paranoid enough about what they must hear when I've had crying or screaming sessions. Those felt involuntary however. I could not voluntarily "let it rip" even if I wanted to. Too much self control and judgment.

Thank you for posting this. I didn't realize I am experiencing much of the same thing with sadness right now, but it was rage like this a few months ago. This will pass.

brandic wrote:The last few days it's like I'm constantly aware that the rage is there, and I can feel it. It's like I'm walking on top of it, and can feel it bubbling and boiling under my feet.

This sounds like a forward...the time to "let it rip" may be closer than you think.

I hope you can let it rip soon. When I have really released anger, it was done in a T's office. Then it was transformed safely into angry tears. That time for you may be coming soon and I hope so too. Now that I think about it, that one time that that happened for me(when I got truly angry and honest about it) I think I subconsciously triggered it myself, right before T, because I wanted a witness and I wanted to express it in a safe environment. If you can do something like this, you won't have to worry about your neighbors or whatever. Lol I still wonder if the other therapists/patients in the building were able to hear me scream "I want to ######6 kill her!" But try not to worry about something like that. Your T is probably used to hearing things like that.

When I'm angry, I usually don't want hugs...so here's an angry face to go with what you're feeling. It's okay to be MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for sharing.
I too fall apart with unstructured time. That is a big landslide for me.
I am a bit empty of words today but I wanted you to know that I read this.

Bourbon

I just want to let you know that I've felt this. I understand what you're going through. And I'm here for you if you just want to rant. PM me, let those fingers fly; I've learned that slamming my hands on the keyboard and writing angrily, even if it's about something as simple as the toilet paper roll being empty, it helps. And I'll listen.

As much as I hate it being said to me, you won't really hurt someone. It certainly feels that way though. I know, as Slap gets closer (she is my Anger personified, I think), it'll feel like a barely contained hurricane rumbling and churning in my chest. Too big for my puny body to hold. It'll feel like my very skin is trembling with the rage. I'll get panicky and either start fretting around, trying to keep busy, or hold really really still to keep from shattering the 'control' I'm trying to keep. My husband says my eyes get wide and I go really pale, until something finally sets me off. Then he says my eyes narrow, my face pans out, and I fluff up (aka I stand taller and my shoulders round off). After that, it usually is kind of a backseat blur; I might remember it, I might not.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, that you have someone who can relate and is willing to listen. -hugs if wanted-

LinaeveWorkman wrote:even if it's about something as simple as the toilet paper roll being empty, it helps. And I'll listen.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets REALLLLLY frustrated when someone uses the last bit of toilet paper and doesn't replace it, or does,but puts it on top of the holder and not IN the holder!!!!

Sorry, not related at all, jst yeah, ARGH!

Lol this toilet paper conversation is making me laugh!