new, unsure, scared

Hello All,

My name is Christina. I've been reading the boards for a month now, and I have to say I like what I've read so far. I joined mostly because I have a lot of questions and I feel alone, so I figured why not find a place where I can get an answer.

I am currently seeing a therapist, well an LCSW at my local clinic due to financial reasons, yesterday was my first initial session. I am wondering how to bring up the DID diagnosis with her...

I'm afraid I may sound crazy or that my diagnosis is beyond her expertise. She diagnosed me with depression so far. I've been in therapy most of my childhood and teenage years, and often the therapy was abruptly ended by my mother or the therapist being unable to handle me.

The reason I feel like the diagnosis of DID best fits me, is I fit several of the described symptoms. I guess I am what you might call co-conscious with my many alters I've begun to discover.

My significant other has described me as having "different" Christina's. When I ask him what he means he tells me sometimes I'm small and fragile like a child, or sometimes I seem tall and angry and my voice turns deeper and scratchy. (which baffles me as I'm only 5 ft tall), other times I'm aloof like I'm here but not listening or aware of my surroundings (I find that mostly when I'm writing or doodling).

I currently keep a blog, and I can access it via my mobile phone, and there are entries written that I often don't remember writing. I find that I often argue with myself, but more than like internal dialogue, different voices answer me back. I worry that I'm going crazy. can anyone offer advice?

thanks,
Christina

edit: this was posted tonight: http://jaerianatales.blogspot.com/2011/ ... r-you.html

Hello and welcome Christina, and any others who might be there! It sounds like you've certainly come to the right place. Do you know if you have a diagnosis of DID in your past? Because I've found that often helps, at least when it comes to therapy. I'm very sorry that you've been bouncing around so much throughout therapy, I can relate to that. I had 4 therapists in the span of 3 years.

Although you might be nervous about bringing it up to your therapist, it's crucial to voice concerns and thoughts to her. She can't help you if she doesn't know what's wrong. If you're able to, would it help to bring your SO to your therapy session? He could help verify signs or symptoms that you have, and even those that you aren't aware of. I find that therapists are more likely to listen when they have some sort of proof or verification.

My psychiatrist was skeptical and didn't believe my concerns. He thought I was "self-diagnosing", when really I was just bringing up the fact that I matched so many symptoms. This made one of my alters, Kat, very angry, and I actually lost time and switched without knowing it. She ended up yelling at my psychiatrist, asking him questions like "you think I'm fake?". My aunt was in the room at the time, so was my therapist, and my aunt was very scared at how different I was. (Kat's voice is deeper than mine, her jaw juts forward in defiance, and she usually has an angry scowl on her face). Even after that my psychiatrist put it down as "possible DID". So sometimes we just have to trust ourselves. Only you know what goes on in your mind, how you feel, what happens within you, so trust yourself and what you know. Don't let anyone try to place doubt in you if they're skeptical or if they doubt you themselves.

Oh and if she's a therapist, no one should sound "crazy" to her. It's her job to work with different people that have different troubles, problems, and conditions. Even if you're beyond her expertise, she should at least be open to what you have to say. Perhaps you could try printing out symptoms of DID and circling ones that you experience? Or even write about the symptoms you experience? That might help her to see where you're coming from, and might help her to understand DID a bit if she's not familiar with it. Maybe, if you're comfortable with it, you could print off some of your blog entries. Let her know of the ones you don't remember, and highlight important parts that stick out to you (like arguing with yourself or something). Perhaps even write about what emotions you feel when you talk or argue with yourself.

I talk and argue with myself all the time, aloud or inside my head, and different voices always answer back, either aloud or inside my head. So you're not alone in what you're experiencing, and you definitely don't sound "crazy".

Perhaps, to help get more "concrete" evidence, your SO could record you in some way when these different Christinas come out? Either by video or even simple voice record, if the voices are indeed different. It might help you feel more confident in your suspicions and might help your therapist to see what you're talking about.

You could also trying communicating with these different Christinas and seeing if they communicate back. Like writing to them (on paper) and seeing if they write back, seeing if you remember when they write back, or seeing if you can learn more about them via talking to them, either aloud or in your head. The more you know about yourself and possible other parts, the more you'll be able to share with a therapist (not necessarily your current one) and the better chance you'll have of getting the proper help. I found that the more I knew, the less doubt I had of myself, and that allowed me to stick up for myself and what I knew instead of allowing doctors to brush me off or misdiagnose me. (For the record, I'm still undiagnosed since the last psychiatrist never got a chance to change the "possible DID" diagnosis, and after that I was switching therapist and psychiatrists too often to get a formalized diagnosis on that topic. I am diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety though).

I hope you find this place helpful, and that you're able to progress in therapy. Feel free to post anything you're comfortable about posting. And again, welcome.

~Cassandra and Company

Hi Christina,

I don't think there is much more I can add, since tomboy pretty much covered everything I would want to say. But I want to say welcome to the board! I'm glad you wrote on here. I hope you find this place helpful, I know I have.

Welcome again.

thank you cassandra for all your help. its been a rough road. I dont even know why I'm awake right now (its 2am where I live.)

I may consider some of the things you've suggested. I'll also look around at other topics as well.

thanks,
Christina

Just wanted to say hi, Christina, and welcome

You are certainly not going crazy. A lot of us here experience what you do. Some have been diagnosed, some have not.

This is a place where you can ask as many questions as you need to and I can guarantee someone will respond. There are some VERY knowledgable people here who will help you understand what is going on for you.

Bourbon

Welcome to the board! I hope you find it as validating as I have.

sparrowspirit wrote:My significant other has described me as having "different" Christina's. When I ask him what he means he tells me sometimes I'm small and fragile like a child, or sometimes I seem tall and angry and my voice turns deeper and scratchy. (which baffles me as I'm only 5 ft tall), other times I'm aloof like I'm here but not listening or aware of my surroundings (I find that mostly when I'm writing or doodling).

When I was reiterating my therapy session to my best friend yesterday, he said something very similar to me. He said sometimes I'm very small and childlike, whereas other times I seem more adult.

Don't be scared to rant or rave or cry to us on here. Somebody's always listening.

thank you very much, dividedtruth.

i will post if I have anymore questions.

*waves* Hi!

hello,

last night was harsh. my significant other came to bed and I think he got caught up in a conversation with one of the littles. I call them littles because I don't know if there is more than one.

He told me that he had been trying to wake me from a bad dream, I guess I was flinching and crying. He says he worries for my mental health, and he hopes this isn't a "test" to push him away.
I told him it's not, and I asked him what I had said.

He told me that I told him that mean people shouldn't hurt little girls, and then just burst into tears. curled up on my side and everything. when I came to, I told him that he shouldn't force me to tell him things. I told him that I don't share things with people. because if they know everything about me, then they leave me. He worries for my mental state and that worries me. We're celebrating our year anniversary tomorrow and I don't want to ruin our relationship.

The night terrors are getting worse. This is a new thing that's only been happening for about a month or so now. It's happened before, but these are things I don't share because he'll think I'm crazy. I'm scared of being alone. I'm only 22 and if things get worse and he leaves me, I have nowhere to go. I don't want him to think of this as a game, and I can't stand that he pushes me to tell him these things. I don't remember, I don't wanna remember, but the memories are happening.

I don't know what to do anymore.
-Christina

Hmm. It is not fair for him to be pushing you, or whoever, to talk if you are not comfortable with that. Can you talk with him about that?

Have you got someone safe you can talk to about these night terrors, and memories? Do you talk about it in therapy, for example?

I can understand your apprehension but take it at your speed, no one elses.

Bourbon