Dream was too realistic... *possible trigger*

*possible trigger warning, talk of deceased parent*

So I had a dream that was very upsetting to me, mainly because it was so real.

The dream started out by basically replaying my life, starting from the 9th grade. I relived high school and everything. Except for one major difference. My mom was alive. As it turned out (in my dream), her death was a conspiracy that was prompted by my mom's best friend's ex-husband and his girlfriend. (In real life, my mom helped her best friend to leave this husband since he was abusive, and he hated my mom for it). In the dream they had faked her death so that there would be no questions asked, when in reality they kidnapped her and had planned to torture and eventually kill her. (I think they even killed a person who looked like my mom to help it seem more real). Anyway, in the dream my mom was found and returned to me when I was 16 and a junior in high school. She decided to stay separate from my dad I guess, I'm not sure, that part's fuzzy, but I do know that I went from living with my dad to living with my mom. The dream continued to play out my life until I got married at age 22 to a boy who looked like my first boyfriend from high school. This is where the dream gets odd.

After we got married, we took our limo back to a small house party where our friends and a few close family members (like my mom) were there to welcome us and were playing games and we were going to join in on the fun. (I was even carried bridal-style into the house). My old Japanese teacher (we called him Sensei) was there, but I think he was the only older adult aside from my mom. (Sensei really helped me through high school, he was one of the few good teachers that tried to learn what was going on in his students' lives if they started failing or were really struggling in class because he knew how much outside influences could affect school performance. He really cared about all his students). Anyway, while we were playing games there was suddenly a lot of commotion outside. I'm not sure exactly what happened, all I know is that suddenly there was a fire truck and there were firemen struggling to give aid to a lot of people while waiting to the ambulances to show up.

Sensei knew a bit more than the average person about first aid stuff so he jumped out the window to help. Even though we were on the second story of this house/building, he tucked and rolled and made his landing seem easy and smooth. My mom knew a bit more than the average person in first aid as well, and she's always ready to help when/if she's able to, so she jumped out. This terrified me, since my mom (in real life and the dream) had spina bifida and couldn't walk or run very well, much less land after jumping out of a window. But she landed somehow, and ran over to the people in need. I screamed at her to come back as she ran across the grass because I guess there was still danger (it was like a shooting or a fire or something, I just can't remember what). I ran through the house and out the door as my mom helped the firemen distribute CPR to people and watch over some people to try and keep them awake/stable. I was outside just watching her tend to people as the ambulances came, and I watched as she waited until everyone was taken care of before she headed back towards me. I remember being very scared the entire time for my mom's well-being, and thinking of all the ways her jump from the window could've gone wrong and all the ways she'd put herself at risk. When she got close enough to me I grabbed her hand and asked her why she did that and told her that she shouldn't have done something so risky and I asked her to not do it again. I told her that I needed her, and that I didn't want to lose her again as I tried to "pull" her back towards the house quicker. I remember she stopped walking, causing me to stop, and she looked at me, meeting my eyes. She said, "You don't need me anymore. You're about to start your own life. I can take my own risks and handle my own responsibilities", and then she let go of my hand. I remember feeling shocked and hurt in the dream, and I started to cry as I took a step back from her. I remember feeling so shocked that I fainted, falling, still reaching for my mom's hand, but she just let me fall.

And that's when I woke up. I was still struggling to reach my mom's hand just as I had been in the dream and I was crying as well. I cried harder as I realized it was just a dream, it wasn't real as it had seemed, my mom wasn't back, and I cried even more when I remembered what she had said to me in my dream and how she had let go of my hand. It felt like she had died all over again.

My boyfriend Mike was unable to calm me down, and I cried and felt sad for a good long while. When I finally at least stopped crying and told him about the dream, he asked if my mom had "come to me" in other dreams. Aside from flashback dreams about her death, I told him I hadn't dreamt of her before. He said it sounded like a "passing of the torch" type of thing, like my mom's spirit was trying to reach me through my dream and was telling me that it was time to live my own life and move on. Telling me that it was time to let go, like how she had let go of my hand in the dream. But I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I still need her (even though she isn't there), I'm not ready to let go just yet, just like how Cassie/we weren't ready to lose her when we/the body was 10. I'm even crying as I type this and I'm not sure why I'm posting it. I guess I'm hoping that it will help me as a type of outlet for the emotions that were brought up by this dream, but even then I don't know why I'm posting it. So I guess don't worry about replying. I just...I feel really alone right now, and I'm getting a lot of overwhelming emotions from Cassie, so I thought writing this out might help both of us process it somehow. I'm going to stop rambling now.

i miss my mom...

Thank you for being so genuine in your rendition of your dream and your feelings of it, Cassandra. Tears came to my eyes as I read the end of your post. In fact, reading your post, I was reminded of lots of different things in my own life. Like a few months ago I had a dream where I woke up with my hand reaching out for something, but I don't remember what the dream was, a nightmare of some sort I think. I know I remembered the dream when I awoke, but now I don't, it's a very foggy memory.

Do you think that you or anyone inside perhaps holds some anger towards your mom for "leaving" you?

It is so touching to read about the attachment you had to her. I hope you can someday realize that she lives in you. And, if you believe in Heaven, that you will be reunited with her again.

Hugs if you want them. Please post more about your dreams if it helps you. Here's a link to Random Dream Thread.

dissociative-identity/topic74762.html

Thank you for your kind reply, Divided. (Although I am sorry that I made you cry ).

I bounce back and forth as far as Heaven and God and religion in general is concerned. I don't think it helps that Kat has lost her faith, Rain doesn't think much about religion but believes there is a higher force, L.C. lost her faith, Ray and Lynn don't understand, so Cassie is the only one who still holds strong to our original faith of Christianity. (Although I know you can believe in a Heaven without being Christian). ANYWAY, so at least Cassie fully believes that there is a Heaven and that we will see our mom again some day.

I think there might be anger coming from someone for her "leaving" us, but it is very buried, possibly even projected onto something else. We (actually mainly Cassie and Kat) have a lot of guilt when it comes around to our mom's death, mainly because of what we did the morning that we called 911, so I'm fairly certain that in order to not add to the guilt we would've buried any anger we had beyond our knowledge. I know that Kat had a lot of anger towards God for "taking her away", especially when she was so needed, and that's mainly what made Kat lose her faith. (Though we denied being angry at God repeatedly, even to ourselves, we'd say "I'm not angry at You, God", even though at least Kat was).

I think for the first time I'm starting to realize how huge of an issue this is for all of us and how sensitive of an issue it is, since I'm starting to tear up again just by writing this. I've obviously protected Cassie from addressing this too much. I'm starting to realize that I don't think anyone in our "inner family" knows just how much pain Cassie is still in from this major loss, nor do we know the extent to which it's still affecting her.

Hey tomboy,

I don't know if there's anything that I can say that will help make things better or easier, but I wanted to tell you that I read your post, and that I am just so sorry. It sounds like a very powerful dream, and as you said in your subsequent post, that there is a lot there.

I haven't lost a parent, but I lost my grandmother when I was 12. There is a part of me who is extremely sad and depressed about this, and I didn't even know or realize it until that part emerged a few months ago (on my birthday) and who talked to my (ex) therapist on the phone for hours and hours, just sobbing and telling her how much she missed my grandma. I was shocked, because I don't have any feelings connected to my grandma. I know I felt extremely close to her when she was alive, and she felt more of a "mother" than my own mother, but I haven't been connected to any of those feelings (that I can remember) since she died. Now I realize there is a still a lot of pain and sadness there, that I didn't even realize.

So I think for those of us who are dissociative, and who have experienced a great loss when we were younger, it's very complicated. The feelings of sadness, (possible) anger, grief, etc. is not necessarily accessible, or even "there" most of the time. Or at least that's how it is for me. I know for my partner, who lost her father at age 5, she has lot of unresolved feelings relating to that loss. But at least she's aware of it. I think for us, it's harder because we aren't even aware that there are unresolved feelings there to deal with! And even if we become aware (like you did with your dream, or as I did with this depressed part talking to my therapist), how do we access those feelings to them resolve and move through them? That prospect sounds very difficult and complicated, since they are dissociated.

This is where a good therapist, I believe, can really help. I wish more than anything you had someone - a professional someone - who you could talk to about all of this. I know you are considering the possibility of continuing therapy... I guess for your sake (and when I say "your" I mean everyone) I just want you to feel supported and able to connect to some of these feelings with someone who can help and support you. Sorry I hope it doesn't seem like I'm shoving therapy down your throat or anything. I can't quite remember your reasons for not being in therapy at the moment (I apologize, I don't have the best memory sometimes), so if it doesn't feel comfortable or right I completely understand. I just truly want the best for you and want you to be able to more forward and actually process these very heavy feelings that are there surrounding this great loss.

And as I have said before, I am always here if you need it.

C

By the way, for what it's worth, I wanted to share with you a book that my partner is reading that is helping her process some of her feelings re her father's death. She is doing it with her therapist, well the "hands on" part, which I guess is the second part of the book. But it doesn't need to be a therapist. I think you could do it with anyone. I figured I would pass along the info in case you were interested. My partner has really good things to say about the book. Maybe it's something you and Cassie could do together? Just a thought...

The Grief Recovery Handbook - by John W. James and Russell Friedman.

Please don't feel obligated to check it out, by any means. Only if it calls to you.

You make a lot of sense brandic, and thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot. I don't think I ever realized how dissociated I was from those feelings since I always remember being "fine" (I didn't even cry at her funeral or anything). So I never realized how "not-fine" I was, since most of the feelings were kept by Cassie and she wasn't ready to face them at the time. (I think I'm repeating myself. Oh well). That and I was never really allowed to process the loss since my dad fell apart after she died. I pretty much became the adult at age 11 and he became the depressed little kid. I knew we couldn't afford to have both of us break down, so I had to be the strong one. I remember Kat would get angry at my dad for crying about our mom sometimes, and she'd shout at him to "get over it" and "move on" like we supposedly had. I think Kat said it well in a post of her's (can't remember which), about how Cassie/we were in our bedroom that summer, unmotivated to do anything, and how Cassie is still in that bedroom while I've shut that door in order to keep living and moving forward. I guess I'm realizing now that I didn't really process anything, I simply shut the door and walked away from things, and even though it was needed at the time, I have to turn around and face it properly now that I don't have to be strong for my dad or myself anymore.

It doesn't sound like you're shoving therapy down my throat. The only reason I'm not in it right now is that I lost my Oregon Health Plan insurance when I became an adult, and was never able to get back on it as an adult. And I certainly didn't have the money to go where I was originally getting treatment from. But I've been looking at clinics who specialize in financially struggling, uninsured patients, so hopefully I'll be able to check those out soon and see if I can get back into therapy.

Thank you very much for the book suggestion, the title actually sounds familiar, I think one of my therapists might have suggested it but I wasn't ready to go anywhere near the topic at the time (aside from shutting off all emotion and talking about what happened factually). I'll definitely look for it.