malingering?

I've found that my therapist talking about the DID diagnosis made my concerns about faking it higher, rather than lower. I thought hearing it from him would make it better, but it doesn't. Both when he first starting using DID as a sort of working diagnosis and a few months later, when he responded to a question I posed saying that he was no longer considering it a "potential" diagnosis, but was "committed" to DID as the diagnosis (though, from his perspective, the distinction between DID-like DDNOS and CPTSD with extra helpings of dissociation and DID is not important as we would be working with parts the same way regardless), I had extreme reactions that I must have tricked him in order to get attention, and felt really guilty. The funny thing is, it is nearly always a "voice" that feeds me this denial. T asked how I could question it in light of that voice, and I told him the irony isn't lost on me, but it "sounds true" at the time. Anything that confirms DID makes me doubt and question it soon after...it's like I have something in me that automatically takes anything I believe in and dismantles it. Observer has told me all the reasons why that is, but it still always feels so real.

Hiding or downplaying true disorders is normal. In D.I.D. more so since much of the disorders revolves around adaptation and keeping things appearing as normal as possible. It is a way of being that works until it does not anymore. You could even argue that it is not even a disorder as much as a way of being in a set of circumstances to keep one mentally safe that becomes one when it is no longer in that set of circumstances as we try to fit in as "normal".

When it is protective it is not disruptive. When you end up somewhere you have no idea how you got there or even where the place is your at now it is disruptive etc. The more organized your D.I.D system is the less likely you will have much idea or anyone else for that matter of your system and how it works. It is how a person with it can go through there entire life thinking there "nuts" but for the most part everyone else does not even know. In fact some people are often "perfect" on the outside and one day when it falls apart they can't even get up and brush there teeth because now the other one who did that is not etc.

That is why D.I.D is so hard to fake because the layers of dissociation are many and complex and most fail because they try to have "alters" and don't really have much idea of what "alters" are like. They think the only component to D.I.D is "alters". So they don't have a way to auto dissociate other things that are common. Of course there are exceptions there always are. But we need healthy skepticism or we run the risk of becoming so myopic in our own stuff we forget about others,

I worry constantly that we're faking...my friend who also has DID was like "Sarah, you either ARE multiple OR you are the best actor in the universe." Since I know I'm not that good an actress, I guess I'm multiple. I dunno, maybe worrying about it is healthy. I have known a few people who were always very "I DO have DID and don't you DARE question that because it is SO very obvious"--who were faking.

Eisa wrote:I worry constantly that we're faking...my friend who also has DID was like "Sarah, you either ARE multiple OR you are the best actor in the universe." Since I know I'm not that good an actress, I guess I'm multiple. I dunno, maybe worrying about it is healthy. I have known a few people who were always very "I DO have DID and don't you DARE question that because it is SO very obvious"--who were faking.

This is pretty normal also. D.I.D. is not a conscience choice. It is a result. Because of that those with it will often consider themselves faking it. But the reality is would you or anyone else with purposefully put there loved ones through D.I.D.? I would not and I am sure most others would not either. If one could stop it most would I think. Having people worry when you don't check in, not being able to see some people you love one day cause your not together enough who really wants all those things.

So when we are asked to accept it as real why would we want it to be. It is easier to be a lie and think about how bad we must be to make it all up because for many of us that is the twisted result of that lesson being taught to us by people who were suppose to love and protect us.

I just usually end up going another layer and convince myself that I'm faking these worries that I'm faking things, because it makes me seem more DID and I'm trying to trick people.

There is no escape from the denial.

yakusoku wrote:I just usually end up going another layer and convince myself that I'm faking these worries that I'm faking things, because it makes me seem more DID and I'm trying to trick people.

There is no escape from the denial.

Yep and that is the cycle of denial in a nut shell. You know what though truth has a way of shinning through. Maybe not always and maybe not with the most comfort but it does. See the thing about denial is it is trying to deny something. The fact that it is trying to deny something means something is there. Denial exposes itself of it's own fallacy.

lolointerupted wrote:This is pretty normal also. D.I.D. is not a conscience choice. It is a result. Because of that those with it will often consider themselves faking it. But the reality is would you or anyone else with purposefully put there loved ones through D.I.D.? I would not and I am sure most others would not either. If one could stop it most would I think. Having people worry when you don't check in, not being able to see some people you love one day cause your not together enough who really wants all those things.

No. I would not put my partner throguh these things. You speak a lot of sense. The classic way I try to fight denial is to say to myself alright then, let's stop this then. If it's not real. You can stop it. I can't. Dissociation seeps through. Depersonalisation seeps through. I remain to feel "not right" like I have done for my whole life and without the asnwers of why I don't feel right just takes me back a few hundred steps in the wrong direction.

Kerry H wrote:"don't go near the community mental health team, unless you really can't cope and need a social worker. CMHT don't really do that much to help you, but every time their psychiatrists see you they'll re-diagnose, which then over-rides your previous diagnoses. So if you initially present, to someone who doesn't know you, with an outward behaviour consistant with Borderline Personality Disorder then that's the label you'll get. And once they've labelled you manipulative and an attention-seeker they won't listen to anything else you say"

I understand where they got this from. I got diagnosed with BPD by a psychoanalyst (not even a psychaitrist) under the NHS. Since then my care coordcinator, the multiple psychaitrists I've had have all just accepted that label as what it is and gone with it. It will be interesting now, that they have a report that says "the BPD is not the truth, DID is"... whether they will listen to this and change their opinions AND my notes. We will see.

Kerry H wrote:I've been with CMHT a year now, they accept now that I need more in-depth help, which I can't get access to without a diagnosis. I'm lucky, my psychiatrist has spent an hour talking to me, despite me refusing medication. And I have at least one more appointment with her. X

That is good. I'm glad the psychiatrist is recognising you need more help than just medication. I'm glad she is spending the time to get to know you.

yakusoku wrote:I just usually end up going another layer and convince myself that I'm faking these worries that I'm faking things, because it makes me seem more DID and I'm trying to trick people.

There is no escape from the denial.

This is pretty much what I've been feeling through this entire thread. That well, yes, I often feel like I'm faking... but maybe that's just because I AM faking and didn't admit it even to myself. Or maybe the faking is just another part of trying to seem DID.

It's a huge relief to see this really does seem to go with the territory. And glad to see it's possible to hold it off for a while!
~Rage

Discussed my feelings about this again with my T today. Journaling after Wednesday night's session, it became apparent to me that my invalidation is the single biggest obstacle in the therapeutic work we are doing. It cancels out my ability to believe what my parts are sharing, even in their very existence, and to identify/acknowledge/accept the validity of all of our needs and how they are being addressed within the context of therapy. I described my feelings that I was somehow making this up to get attention, without knowing I was doing it. T felt, of course, even if that was the case, that there were very real needs behind it which needed to be adressed. However, he reiterated that my diagnosis is emphatically real. He went step-by-step through how and why DID makes sense for me and even managed turn some of my own invalidations into further evidence of my dissociation. He used words like "real" and "true" and every time, I ended up with anxiety. He said the same things about the memories. He walked step-by-step with me and countered every invalidation and contradiction. He wants me to learn to to rely on and trust God to lead both of us where this process should go and just share everything that comes up, rather than filter such a large quantity or buy into the voice that immediately says, "That makes no sense. It is impossible!" Cognitively, his arguments were nearly flawless, but I am still struggling to accept what he said on a deeper level. I came out feeling guilty again, as if I have tricked him, as if the doubt itself is some sort of ruse. But, it is not as strong as it has been in the past, like my indulgence of those ideas has lessened, even though I am still "hearing" those accusations. If I can't get past this, then I will keep re-dissociating everything that the other parts are sharing and I will never be able to integrate any of those experiences, since I will just decide that the memories or even the parts themselves are a lie to avoid having to know those experiences in the first person...

This is where I am at today and it made me think of this thread.

It sounds somewaht helpful then that your therapist is willing to walk you through your denial, make you look at the evidence in a logical way, and try to fight your doubt with proof. I think I like that attitude. My current professional is much more the type to say: "well, perhaps you are making it up, perhaps you're not, we don't really know, either way, something needs to be dealt with". and leave it at that. And it is frustrating, to say the least.

I'm glad your denial isn't as strong as it has been in the past. You keep knocking that wall down, brick by brick, and eventually you will see right through it.

Bourbon