T-update. FRUSTRATED. Need advice. Possible TRIGGER.

I am so frustrated right now. SO ######6 FRUSTRATED. I feel like I completely cheated myself out of what could have been a really good session. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. She asked me why my backpack looked so stuffed and I told her it was cuz I had my wolfie in there and she said I should take it out if it made me feel safer. She was really sweet about it and wanted to know about it and the baby blanket. I still really like her and feel like this is a good fit

But okay here's where the $#%^ went down. We did something called the hands-on technique where you just try to become really aware of what your body is feeling and how tense you are, aware of your breathing, etc.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER-guys if you feel uncomfortable about girly things like this steer clear. Or if something sexual could trigger you please don't read on.

The second she asked me to become aware of what my body was feeling, I started to feel....ugh....arousal type feelings. Like physical sexual stuff. I literally had to excuse myself to the bathroom to put on a liner cuz I was freaking out I would stain her couch or something. It was THAT BAD. So bad that I wish I had been wearing black shorts instead of khakis...


END TRIGGER

HOW do I bring this up next time???? ADVICE PLEASE. It ######6 messed up my session. All emotion seemed to be completely erased because I was struggling to keep my mind off of it and why that could possibly be happening and why it seems to ALWAYS happen in therapy/when I get nervous/sometimes when I'm just feeling very small. I just am so mad because there were things I should have/wanted to talk about, but forgot about because of all the UGH.

I am SO embarrassed about it but I need advice on how to bring it up next time cuz I don't want my session to be ######6 ruined again. Okay it wasn't ruined. But I just didn't get what I felt I could have gotten out of it.

Divided, I am so sorry. That sounds really hard. I'm sorry I really don't have any advice but I wanted to say I do understand the feeling of having wasted a therapy session. I don't know if this'll be any consolation, but there are going to be sessions where you feel it was a waste of time and totally pointless. I think that's just part of the process. Most sessions (hopefully, if you have a good T) will not feel like this. As for big overwhelming feelings you don't know where they came from? Again I can relate. Honestly, I would think about if those feelings are even something you want to bring up to this T, at least right now. Talking about anything sexual can be very hard and uncomfortable, especially if you don't know the T that well. What makes it even harder is that it happened during session, so that adds another element of possible shame and embarrassment (although I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of). I would try to be really easy on yourself about it, and don't feel like you have to force anything as far as telling her anything you might not feel ready to. You just started with this new T, so you're just testing the waters so to speak. It sounds like it was a really intense and confusing experience, but I would try not to be hard on yourself. Weird, unexplained things happen to all of us. I'm not saying there isn't an explanation for what happened, but don't try to force figuring out the explanation if its not there yet. Does that make sense? I do understand the sense of shame however since I've had my share of embarassing sexual stuff that I've never been able to tell ANY therapist, and I've been in therapy for about eight years!!! Just remember, lots of love, kindness and patience with yourself. You'll figure it out.

~hugs if wanted~

Thanks for the reply brandic. I admit, it's the LAST thing I want to bring up to this T because I AM ashamed and embarrassed, but if it starts to wreck my therapy sessions, well then...I don't know. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I guess I'm trying to figure out HOW to bring it up because I honestly have no ideas what words I would use or how to NOT make myself sound like a complete creeper... I mean I guess my biggest fear would be that she would suspect me of having some kind of attraction to her or something which is ABSOLUTELY not the case! Lol I like her a lot but not that much.

Honey, you aren't going to like hearing it, but this is exactly the kind of information you must find the courage to disclose to your therapist. Richard Kluft has a line that is so perfectly apt:

Yeah. Talking about this stuff can be an exercise in titrated mortification.

You are likely experiencing an intrusion of a somatic memory, a typical first flashback, relating to something that happened to one of your alters. When that alter comes forward, you feel the intrusion.

That is exactly what happened to me when my Alter 1 first started coming forward. I felt intensely sexually aroused, seemingly at random, and along with the arousal I experienced phantom physical sensations. All that began the moment I met the other man my Alter 1 is in love with, more than a year before I understood I have DID. Over time the flashbacks have become richer, more detailed, and I (we) now know Alter 1's trauma was a disgusting act of violation and Alter 1's feelings for this man at first had more to do with that trauma than with the here and now man who is the object of those feelings.

These feelings you are experiencing have nothing to do with the therapist. They are there in you, just waiting for you to notice them. Your therapist's only part in this is in directing your attention to your body. It is normal, but would be a mistake, to attribute these feelings to your therapist.

Re how to disclose this to her, how about giving her a printout of this thread? Or you could just cut and paste your own text into a new document, and print that. No context then.

Well, I know it would be hard, but I really wouldn't worry about her thinking that. If she's an experienced therapist, and I assume she is, I'm sure she's seen and heard all kinds of stuff that is far "worse" than what you experienced in session. Her job is to not judge. I really don't think she would think it was her that caused those feelings for you. I can see how you'd be afraid of that, but in my opinion it sounds like just that - a fear.

If you think you would feel comfortable telling her, I don't think it would hurt. In fact, it could be a good thing to work through together. But just remember that you shouldn't feel in any way obligated to tell her. That is completely up to you, and only if it's something you feel comfortable doing.

Thanks guys. Una, your thoughts are usually dead on. Definitely not something I want to hear, but you're right. I guess I could print out the thread...I don't know if she'll be comfortable reading it; it seems like she really expects me to come forward myself with what's bothering me. I don't think she wants to seem pushy. At one point in the session, she said "you take the lead", and while I appreciate this, it's pretty challenging! So I guess I will wait until I feel like I can read my post from this thread, out loud, without dying Like I've said before...I'll take peace in the knowledge that the ball is in my court and I can bring this up when I have become more comfortable with her/talking about that stuff in general

A T cannot help you unless you are totally honest with her. Simply say what you feel.

Nothing else. No excuses. You pay these people for this. This is their job.

Don't you think she noticed you avoided something and now you waste time sorting that out instead of just telling it like it is.


That's my MoM tone! But its true!

I of course do not mean that its simple to do... Just blurting out the truth.
I mean its simple what you NEED TO DO....
Just suck it up and blurt it out. Remember honesty is always best. And remember its not easy for anyone to admit something like that but we can still do it. I have told my T things I thought I would bury and never tell anyone as long as I live, but its important them to know to fix me. Now I have a new T I have to get brave again. I did however put it in writing, but I was not on the spot to say either. I volunteered my worst secrets because I still don't know how I did those things. Being aroused does not even come close to the things I have done! Remember your T hears bad stuff all day and that was not even bad. It's human.

tylas wrote:Simply say what you feel.

Simple for some maybe...

tylas wrote:Don't you think she noticed you avoided something and now you waste time sorting that out instead of just telling it like it is.

Haha didn't think of this...I'm sure it was obvious SOMETHING was definitely wrong with how I just BLURTED out during a long silence "I'm sorry, but can I PLEASE use your restroom?"

Just read what una wrote. Yes some really good advice. Please just ignore everything I said! Lol

Hiya Divided

I can only echo the general sentiments of whats been said before really.

This T sounds wonderful - I still remember being so chuffed for you when you made that post - and I personally would think that she will be more than fine reading a printout from these threads. You have already said how understanding she has been with things like Wolfie, so I do not doubt that she will be understanding that there are things that you find difficult to talk about with her, at least at these initial stages. I think printing out the thread is an excellent way of conveying the information to her whilst sparing you the difficulties of having to formulate words past your embarrassment. Brandic (welcome back by the way!!) practically took the words out of my mouth in how she is not there to judge you.

I know you're feeling frustrated about what happened, but I'd suggest that that is borne out of how excited and hopeful you are about being able to make progress with this T, and an eagerness to work with her and get things move - and what a wonderful thing it is to be having that feeling!

-- Fri Sep 23, 2011 7:49 pm --

brandic wrote:Just read what una wrote. Yes some really good advice. Please just ignore everything I said! Lol

Ello you

Just to throw in that I think that there is nothing in your post (as ever!) worth ignoring. You offered reassurance, empathy, and advised Divided to consider what to do going forward! Nothing wrong there!

Ignore the ignoring I'd say! :D